Petersfield Newswire

Council eases grave concerns in Petersfield

2012-02-02T11:06:00.002Z

Grave matters indeed

East Hampshire County Council has been hailed for its “thinking outside the box” after solving two problems simultaneously.

Faced with a public outcry over the rising charges of cemetery plots and maintenance, the council’s problem-solving guru, ‘Smart’ Alec B’stard, contacted the roads and highways agency to ask about the costs of repairing loose paving stones and potholes.

B’stard explained: “There is only so much money in each pot – civic amenities and road maintenance – but together we could do so much more. So now we plan to bury people underneath loose paving slabs or in potholes.

“There is no need to engage the services of a gravedigger as the holes already exist – some of them large enough to accommodate a couple wishing to be buried together. And once they’re safely underground the dual maintenance subsidy is enough to chuck in a bit of extra asphalt or concrete every time there’s a cold snap and the holes start to reappear.”

The corpse of recently departed Arthur Pewty, formerly of Brian Close, Petersfield, said: “I was worrying about how my family would pay for my cemetery plot but this stroke of genius from the council has put my mind at rest. I can now head to the afterlife without any pecuniary fears.

“It’s a great example of thinking outside the box – which is something I can longer do…”

What have the Romans ever done for us?

2012-01-13T16:50:00.003Z

Petersfield is set to become the centre of world attention, after the statue of King William the Third was discovered to have something up his sleeve.

The statue before time had its way

For some time now the statue of William the Third, or Bill the Turd as he is known affectionately by locals, has been decaying. The situation reached tipping point on December 21 2011, when Bill’s right arm, the hand of which was holding an unidentified scroll, dropped off.

Wynne Tersolstice, working for R Maggedon Erections who were employed by Petersfield Town Council (PTC) to assess the damage to the statue, has announced that there is a prophecy inscribed in the arm and scroll.

“This is earth-shattering news”, he said. “The discovery of the millennium. You may be aware that life on earth is expected to end at midnight on December 21 2012; this is a widely accepted view, a date that all children are taught at school. Well, it would appear that date is wrong. The actual date is in fact January 21, 2013”

Tersolstice shows us some inscriptions on the inside of the arm and ultimately a series of roman numerals that are inscribed on the inside of the scroll, they read – XXI I MMXIII.

One more Christmas after all

“The sculptor’s name also points to the fact that the original Mayan projection was wrong, perhaps working under a nom de plume, as the piece is signed Huan Moore-Month.

“The original calculations were made using the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization and is based upon a cycle of thirteen b’ak’tuns (periods of 144,000 days each) since the mythical creation date of the calendar's current era.

“It would appear that since we went decimal back in the 1970s, that’s thrown things a bit and we stand to gain an extra month.”

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Mark Kett-Pitches commented: “You wait ‘til I speak to Al Paca, that Peruvian stallholder who used to sell jumpers, shawls, hats and scarves.

“He refused to renew his licence as we wouldn’t reduce his fee to reflect the fact that 2012 will be a short year. Who’s laughing now Paca?”

Blow me

2012-01-06T15:16:00.002Z

Proper fairy lights, arranged by real fairies.

A treemendous reversal of fortunes has seen Petersfield win a second award for its Christmas tree lights, this time because they look so beautiful.

Our story of 20 December 2011, told you how the straight lines of lights that were simply hanging vertically from the town tree had met with bad reviews from all and sundry, and had in fact won us a wooden spoon type award from the appropriately named Government Body - CRAP (Christmas Redecoration And Parties). That same organisation has now awarded us a gold star!

Newswire questioned Petersfield Town Council (PTC) in an effort to establish who should be congratulated for the alterations, but nobody seems to know who was responsible.

Speaking on behalf of PTC Wynne Dee-Knight told us: "Nobody was given instructions to make the changes, but the Council will happily take the credit for the improvements; doesn't it look lovely".

Harry Caneforce, a member of the PTC team who is responsible for removing the decorations told us: "We don't know who did it, the way the lights were draped it would have taken me only a few minutes to remove them, now it's going to take me quite a while to untangle the ruddy things from the tree. Irresponsible, that's what it is".

Apart from Mr Caneforce, everyone we spoke to regards the display is far more Christmassy and imaginative, far better than the dreadful straight lines that hung there before.

Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Gus T Weather told us: "This really is an incredible story, what a stunning transformation. Adding to the mystery of course, the work seems to have been carried out overnight by fairies. Real fairy lights, how wonderful".

Ho ho ho.

2011-12-23T10:00:00.032Z

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

Petersfield: Sleepy market town

2011-12-21T12:00:00.006Z

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

Petersfield decorated

2011-12-20T11:44:00.000Z

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Survival not nailed-on certainty

2011-12-13T16:50:00.000Z

Richard Bingham, behind closed doors since 1974

In a dramatic turn of events, a shop about which few people have heard and even fewer use, is in danger of closing unless more people know about it and use it.

The Unitary bookshop is located in a series of underground tunnels originally built in the 60s to house right-wing Conservative councillors in case of a left-wing revolution. As the Cold War due to a close, Glasnost prevailed and Tony Blair headed the Labour Party, all fears of the left-wing ever having a voice again faded completely and one of the dark tunnels was turned over to the entrepreneurial Archbishop of Herne Farm who inaugurated a secular, yet highly religious bookshop within.

Now, after more than 30 years of waiting for somebody to come through the door, the bookshop is in danger of closing. It is news which has saddened several of the volunteers who work there.

Richard Bingham, the seventh Earl of Lucan, has volunteered in the shop since 1974 and was distraught to learn of its possible closure.

With his words spoken by an actor, he said: “I’ve been hidden here for more than 30 years and the thought of having to move somewhere else if the shop should close is heartbreaking. It’s come as something of a shock – almost as much of a shock as that day in 1987 when somebody came in. But he was looking for the Physic garden and we were able to send him on his way.

“By the way, what IS a Physic Garden ?”

A spokesman for rival capitalist bookshop Hellstones, Lucifer Dark-Lord, said: “It’s such a shame that in a largely secular society there is no room for a shop such as this: one selling cards, books and wooden toys designed to brainwash people into denying science.

“Mind you the authors of those books have been around for years trying to flog their wares. It’s time for the new bright young authors like Richard Dawkins to have a chance at hitting the bestseller lists.”

The Unitary Bookshop is a family run business still managed by three generations: father, son and holy nephew. A spokesman recalled: “We’ve always had a variety of books. The first book was Genesis – we sold a lot of those until people started bringing them back having thought they were a biography of a 70s rock band.

Nice weather for it

2011-12-08T17:05:00.001Z

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Petersfield news ... from Petersfield papers

2011-12-02T17:51:00.003Z

A round-up of the best stories from
this week's Petersfield media...

Bonfire fodder

Error leads to aphtae epizooticae mix-up

An administrative error at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) is being blamed for the deliberate burning of 15 paintings at the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists Gallery in Selborne.

A spokesman for DEFRA admitted: “It was an easy mistake to make particularly as the pictures concerned were all of a bovine nature. It is disappointing, but, on the other hand, it is reassuring to know we can act so promptly to allay public fears.”

Top comic may be Hounded out

...possibly

The Christmas show at Petersfield Comedy Club may or may not be headlined by a top TV comedy act depending on whether he gets a better paying gig. Or not.

There will be other comedians on the bill, however, and if audience members who have paid to see the TV star, who may or may not participate, are disappointed they may be able to get their money back. Or not.

Old Bill on the Liss

You're nicked me olde beauty

The lack of police coverage in East Hampshire was illustrated last week when a talk on the police was given at the Liss Area Historical Society.

Local policing as history. It doesn’t need us to say any more, does it?

News on the dark side

2011-11-28T12:00:00.025Z

A shot in the dark

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.

How the council spends your money

2011-11-23T10:00:00.001Z

As easy as pie

Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.

Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.

Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.

The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .

Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

PRATS - Petersfield's vocal locals

2011-11-22T07:55:00.001Z

Cam Payne, Petersfield's biggest PRAT

A new website has been launched to enable Petersfield residents to object to the many things they object to “in a more organised manner”.

The man behind the website, Cam Payne, chairman of the vocal local organisation Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes this is a major step forward in the town’s ability to complain irrationally about all manner of topics.

He said: “Petersfield residents are renowned for objecting – whether it’s against planning applications, the closure of the Town Square, car parking, pavements, the lack of organic five-a-day vegetables, the increasing appearance of fog or a failure to increase oxygen levels for old people.

“While these are all valid objections, as a town we need to have a more co-ordinated approach. Too often the protests are limited to individuals posting leaflets on telegraph poles or somebody writing a letter of ill-informed complaint to the local newspaper.

“The launch of the new website will enable us to protest in a more organised manner. And it will also lead to more concerted and visible campaigns. For a start, this week, following on from the much publicised ‘Occupy’ protests in New York and London , we are holding an Occupy Cloisters march.

“It will start at the statue in the centre of the square and culminate at the Cloisters coffee bar where protesters will occupy all the tables, pausing only to order the occasional latte and eggs Benedict.

“And if, as expected, the protest gathers momentum we will be able to nip across the square to Milletts and purchase some thick socks or even a tent. For most people this will only differ from their normal day in that they will be ordering eggs Benedict instead of a smoked salmon bagel – but the important thing is we have to start somewhere. And the website has enabled us to do that.”

The website comprises a simple content management system into which visitors add in relevant information in order to generate a campaign. These include ‘cause of ire’; ‘action required’; ‘how many angry residents do you require?’; and a multiple-choice section for ‘required action’, which includes tick-boxes for ‘angry letter to the paper’; ‘angry photograph in the paper’; ‘poster pinned up angrily in the library’; or ‘angry stall in town square at next event organised by an angry Ben Errey.

No news is news

2011-11-16T17:59:00.000Z

Wenlock and Mandeville...

Following last week's news that the Olympic torch is coming to Petersfield we can now round up all the other exciting Olympic games news from around the area.

Petersfield won't have a screen, so you'll need to watch it on the telly.

Greater Leigh Park a flaming nuisance?

2011-11-09T12:19:00.000Z

Catch me if you can

Petersfield residents have received assurances that despite problems with illegally parked cars, that continue to remain unchecked by Petersfield Town Council, the Olympic torch will make its way through the town next year.

News for people living between Petersfield and Portsmouth was, however, far less positive.

The torch is set to be carried from Portsmouth to Brighton on July 16, 2012, day 59 of the mammoth relay.

The start of the journey is set to see the torch carried from Portsmouth straight to Petersfield without visiting Leigh Park, Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Horndean or Clanfield despite the fact that it will be coming within yards of each of them.

Immediately after gracing Petersfield the torch will visit settlements as small as Rogate, Midhurst, Easebourne, Tillington, Petworth and Duncton.

Lord Coe has been approached by Chantell Fewdont a representative from Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville etc. or as it known Greater Leigh Park, pleading that he change his mind and slightly alter the route of the torch to take in some more of these built-up areas.

Lord Coe was unequivocal in his response: “Not a chance” he said.

“We did give this matter serious consideration, and one of our major goals in planning the route was to reach out and meet as many of the population as possible, where possible in deprived areas, but this would be a risk we are simply not willing to take.

“You need to realise that much of this journey will be broadcast across the world and if anything were to go wrong, well it doesn’t bear thinking about.

“My advisers tell me that ‘torch’ has its own meaning in Greater Leigh Park, and the last thing we want is for a wanton trail of destruction to follow the runner, because the locals think it appropriate.

“In addition, this torch is golden in colour. It’s not real gold, but I have been warned that the locals will almost certainly not realise that and that a runner carrying gold would be like a scene from the pied piper of Hamelin.

“No we will not be diverted; Greater Leigh Park is a flaming nuisance.”

Olympic torch to bypass Petersfield?

2011-11-07T14:31:00.000Z

Hardly a shining example

Plans for the Olympic torch to be brought to Petersfield in July could be thrown into chaos because of unregulated parking in the town.

Sebastian Coe, the former Olympic gold medallist turned Conservative party mouthpiece, admitted the health and safety of the runner could not be guaranteed in Petersfield.

He said: “Petersfield has become renowned for the haphazard and unregulated parking which has been encouraged by the town’s independent shopkeepers.

“It is not right to ask somebody carrying the Olympic torch to weave in and out of badly parked cars just to visit a tin-pot Hampshire market town. We have to be able to guarantee the safety of the runner and we can’t currently do that.

“In addition, the predilection for local farmers to muck spread and fill the town with noxious gases on warm days in July and August does not sit well with the idea of a naked flame. Hence we are currently reconsidering our initial route.”

The news will horrify the town’s residents who are still reeling from the news that a giant screen planned for the town square during the Olympics has been banned owing to fears of a loss of trade by pan-pipe buskers.

But news of the potential re-routing was welcomed by local jeweller Matt Tress, head of a local independent traders group. He said: “I welcome people double-parking illegally outside my shop – it means they’re more likely to come in and pay through the nose for their purchases. It’s good to see that people are thinking of the small shopkeeper for once.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised a full investigation into the issue and is likely to favour whichever option can provide him with the most votes and the best PR.

Petersfield residents are wheelie confused

2011-11-04T10:00:00.008Z

Frubbish boards the number 48 to Rogate
with one of her children

Changes to local bin collections and bus timetables have left Petersfield residents bewildered.

Many people are complaining that their buses haven't been emptied for three weeks while others say it's unacceptable that they have to catch a wheelie bin into town.

Local mother of two Ismelda Frubbish was faced to take her children to school in a green wheelie bin on Tuesday.

She said: "It was downright humiliating. When we arrived everybody was pointing and laughing. I simply hadn't realised it was supposed to be a grey bin week.

"The council was no help either. The told me to take my complaint to Winchester , which meant waiting ages for the number 95 dustcart. They're washing their hands of all responsibility."

A council spokesman advised "you should always wash your hands after touching domestic food waste or bus passengers".

A sign of the times in Petersfield

2011-11-03T10:00:00.002Z

Splendid signage

Petersfield is celebrating after being awarded European Centre of Signage status for 2012.

The prestigious award follows a vigorous vetting procedure which saw the east Hampshire town lauded for its “lack of regulation” and “diversity”.

The chairman of the EU panel of international judges, Bill Board, explained: “Petersfield was the stand-out candidate. Too often in large cities, where there is an abundance of regulated hoardings the focus is on big corporations and legitimate, paid-for advertising and the close proximity of golf sales.

“But Petersfield manages to be a smorgasbord of unregulated signage, from bright yellow notices of forthcoming comedy nights to posters in a cleverly designed childish form advertising bonfire nights. And they’re not just limited to one area – these notices are all over town, ranging from A4 notices attached to lamposts to six-foot posters nailed to bits of plywood and tied to roadside trees.

“It was this diversity, lack of regulation and complete disregard for aesthetics and the safety of road users which appealed to the judging panel. That’s why it was placed ahead of Tromsø, in Norway, and the small French village of Beaucoups de Trivialities, just north of Ridicules.”

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, Bobby Bear, was able to provide further details of the panel’s findings.

He said: “The judges made comment about the diversity of our signage and picked out for special mention the seasonal Petersfield Town Juniors six-a-side signs – described as ‘plentiful and effective’; the ubiquitous ‘Hot Tub Sale’ notice – ‘hugely informative’; the Winton Players’ series – ‘just made us want to go and buy a ticket’; and the ‘hilarious’ no parking at any time notices in the High Street, which ‘showed a satirical and contemporary sense of humour, largely lacking in other conurbations’.

“We are delighted to win such a prestigious award and you can guarantee somebody will produce a handwritten bill in celebration and staple it to a telegraph pole near you soon.”

Crime prevention

2011-11-02T13:36:00.000Z

An officer tests out a new toy on loan from Surrey

The number of crimes reported in Hampshire has fallen, according to new Home Office figures released last week.

Muggings are up 10%, burglaries up 12%, robbery is up 8%, domestic violence is up 23% and fraud is up 3%. Identity fraud is up 36%, knife crime is up 17%, gun-related crime is up 13%, road crime is up 26% and drug crime is up 29%.

However, against this backdrop of increased disorder and criminality stands the fact that nearly all of East Hampshire’s police stations have been closed down.

Detective Superintendant Plod said: “I am proud to announce, that in line with official guidelines, from next year Hampshire Constabulary - Eastern Division, will operate from one solitary police station.

“It is anticipated this will cut our overheads by some 35%. Furthermore, we will be selling existing police stations, and expect this action to raise £3.5M for police funds. This should enable us to invest in some shiny new cars and some of those rather splendid Segway scooter things.”

We asked DS Plod how it is we are being told crime has reduced in the area when the truth appears to be the complete opposite.

“Reported crime has fallen,” he told us. “You need to find a policeman, or speak to one on the telephone to report a crime, and from what we understand most victims simply give up.

“I want to reassure the public, that in the face of adversity, we, the boys in blue, are always there to help. If for any reason you need assistance or need to report a crime, please call our strategic nerve centre in Alton on 01420 999 999, on a Wednesday between the hours of 14:00 and 14:05.”

Internet bosses declare cyber war on EHDC

2011-10-27T17:12:00.001+01:00

Thrilling stuff

Porn barons have joined forces with Farcebook and Twatter bosses in a furious reaction to East Hampshire District Council’s decision to show council meetings live online.

“I’m furious!” declared Stevie Sleeze, marketing director for boobsonline. “How can we compete with that? It’s all right for them with their exciting debates about footpaths, bus-stops and environmental health licensing – but they’re paying for this internet dominance with taxpayers’ money.

“I mean they’re even talking about a live feed of the debate about dustbin collection times for goodness sake. All I can offer is ‘lusty milfs on bikes’ and ‘teenage vampires in thongs’ – who’s going to be interested in that now?

“It’s a disgrace! During a recession councils should be doing more to encourage entrepreneurs like me, not putting us out of business with their subsidised online excitement.”

Even Farcebook chief executive Marky Zukerberg-Friendslist took time out from tinkering with the format of nine billion users’ home pages and siphoning away the personal information of everyone on the planet to declare: “I’m seriously worried. If this thing takes off, we’re finished – look what happened to those losers at MySpace.”

And Twatter boss Mark ‘Elvis’ Costolo said: “I 8 ths, so unfr bit.lyurlehdc…”

Olympic appeal

2011-10-24T10:00:00.000+01:00

Melons

An online petition is calling on East Havantshire District Council to reverse its decision to pull Petersfield out of the Olympic Games.

Residents were looking forward to participating in a number of sports in the market square. Popular events were to include the Olympic Post Office queuing championships and the 26-mile Olympic Nimby Moanathon.

All the action was to have been shown on a big screen until councillors vetoed the plan, citing chronic shortsightedness.

Council official Stu Pidd said: “Nobody in the council could see the appeal of a big screen. We’re all so shortsighted here. In fact we’ve recently upgraded to a 42-inch flat screen in our boardroom at Halfpennies Place and Sally Taylor still looks a mess.”

If the new online petition is successful it means spectators will be also able to watch the women’s volleyball finals while buying market-fresh melons.

Council don’t see big picture

2011-10-21T09:00:00.000+01:00

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

Face of farce

2011-10-19T13:55:00.000+01:00

Fe Fi Fo Fum

This year’s ‘Face of Petersfield’ competition degenerated into something of a farce when the competition was won by a passer-by.

May Kupp speaking on behalf of the event organisers told Newswire: I know this is a bit unusual but to be honest the finalists were a right bunch of bulldogs chewing wasps... let’s just say they each had a great face for radio!”

The contestants were strutting their stuff, advertising the clothes that are supplied for the event, when along strolled the saviour of the day, Iman Ogre.

Kupp went on: “We grabbed him and asked if he minded joining the competition in view of the opposition and he helpfully agreed.

“It has been suggested that it’s not fair on the other contestants that a competitor who didn’t make it through the preliminary rounds went on to win. I say get over it, he’s better looking than you are.

“So we have our winner and as you can see actually he looks quite normal.”

Petersfield golfer shoots birdie

2011-10-18T07:42:00.000+01:00

Happier times for Petersfield Golf Club’s goose

Petersfield Golf Club’s ex-club captain landed himself in court last week after shooting a birdie on the sixth.

Roger Deadfowl, a Petersfield Golf Club (PGC) member for more than 30 years, told Aldershot Magistrates Court he was acting under specific instruction from PGC general manager Larry Lion who had asked him to hunt down and kill the goose.

Lion refuted the accusation, claiming he told Deadfowl: “If you happen to kill it with one of your wayward chip shots, we’ll have to serve it up that way on the clubhouse menu, in other words with chips.

“I really didn’t mean for him to kill it; although I must say it tasted lovely, very tender, a bit like that swan we had last year.”

Deadfowl told jurors that the goose was: “A shitting machine ... shitting all over the greens, shitting all over the tees and shitting all over the fairways, in fact shitting all over the countryside. It was as if it was some sort of wild animal, it even defended itself noisily when provoked.”

Deadfowl was spotted committing the crime by fellow golfers Paul Cezanne and Vincent van Gogh, when he let the goose have it with both barrels of his sawn-off shotgun.

Gogh painted the scene for the police when they arrived at the golf club, and it wasn’t a pretty picture. “There was blood everywhere,” he said.

Somehow Deadfowl escaped punishment, claiming that for a wild animal to make noise and defecate in the countryside was a public health and safety risk.

New snack bar for Petersfield

2011-10-12T10:00:00.007+01:00

The College Club expected to appear on the new menu

Plans for a new food outlet in College Street have prompted fears among other insecure establishments that this might bring unwelcome competition.

The grade II listed building at 4 College Street is to be converted to a take-away shop offering sandwiches, rolls, cakes, pastries, muffins, baguettes, wraps, salads, baps, crisps, nuts, yoghurts, fruit salads, shakes, smoothies, milk, coffees, teas, chocolates, still water, sparkling water, flavoured water, juices, fizzy drinks and assorted nibbles.

If the proposed new development receives permission to go ahead this would hopefully see the sympathetic transformation of the dilapidated building opposite the Red Lion, currently something of an eyesore.

Luke Warmcoffy, proprietor of Malicious Gossip sandwich bar, said: "I say let it rot. This is wholly unfair; these people are likely to come in offering a high standard of inspirational new food, at annoyingly competitive prices, at a time when we really want to be increasing the cost of roast partridge and brandy-soaked truffle club sandwiches and the like.

"This needs to be reported to the Monopolies Commission or the European Court of Human Rights or whoever deals with this sort of thing."

A change of application for the protected building is currently in process and the owners of alternative food outlets are adamant that the use should not change from being an estate agent.

Mike Rowave, owner of Mixxo, said: "We have reached saturation point, Petersfield had already passed its natural limit for food outlets before we set up Mixxo, but I wasn't going to say that back then was I?"

If it isn’t a market day, and you are desperate for a takeaway snack in Petersfield you are currently restricted to Tesco, Waitrose, M&S, Tesco Express, Caffe Nero, Costa Coffee, Boots, Chinwags, Mezzo, Eden, The Red Lion, The Drum, The Good Intent, The George, The Square Brewery, The Royal Oak, British Rail Cafe, Greggs, Poppins, One Tree Bookshop, Fez, Cloisters, Folly Tree Tea Rooms, Folly Wine & Alehouse, Heidi's, Monoloco, Papa John’s, Pizza Express, Petersfield Kebab House, Rowans Deli, Tai Tong, and the Seafare and Nicky's Fish and Chip shops. This is to say nothing of the proper restaurants that would probably knock you up a snack.

Rowave added: "Whilst we have enough food outlets, there is always room for another Estate Agency. We only have Haart, Jacobs & Hunt, Cubitt & West, Gascoigne Pees and Henry Adams and we all know how buoyant the housing market is at the moment.”

Take a hike

2011-10-11T10:00:00.003+01:00

The South Downs just south of Petersfield during the recent hot spell

Four workmates in Liss say the recent October heat has helped them with their training for a trek in the Sahara desert next month.

The four colleagues who work for Five Pennies Communication, say the conditions during their recent training on a part of the South Downs Way were similar to those they expect to experience in the Sahara.

The firm has something of a tradition of encouraging employees to take part in overseas charity projects. Don Yercoats, managing director of the firm, said: “We get good press and the staff get a holiday in the sun – I’d say it always works out pretty well.

“Providing the employees in question take the time out of their annual holiday entitlement and don’t expect additional leave, there isn’t a problem.”

Carrie Mee, the only female in the foursome has clearly done her homework. She said: “The Sahara will probably be quite hot, we are also expecting it to be dry and from what I have read, fairly sandy.”

Bin and changed

2011-10-10T13:55:00.001+01:00

Click on image to enlarge

Households in Petersfield have received a simple and easy to follow explanation of the revised refuse collection dates that apply to them from Monday, October 17.

That is not to say the change will affect you on Monday, October 17, because you may not have your refuse collected on a Monday.

Although when you had your refuse collected is no longer relevant, because the day your refuse is collected will change from Monday, October 17.

So if your refuse used to be collected on a Monday you will be affected from Monday, October 17.

And, you will only actually be affected if your day has changed of course.

You will also be affected on Monday, October 17, if your refuse collection used to be on a day other than Monday, and your new collection day has changed to be Monday.

Police to adopt zero tolerance in Petersfield

2011-10-06T13:41:00.000+01:00

Police in Petersfield have requested the help of the community as they look to adopt a zero-tolerance policy on traffic offences in the town.

PC Brigade, who patrols the town on a six-monthly basis, explained: “We have started issuing tickets to people parking where they shouldn’t be. It is a revolutionary idea but we think it might work.

“And we are adopting a zero-tolerance policy. On the rare occasion we may visit the town, if there’s anybody parked illegally we will issue a ticket – it will cost a minimum of £40, but does include a three-course lunch, welcome drink and a raffle, with all proceeds going towards the police benefit charity.

“But we can only ease the parking problem in the town with the help of the community, so we are asking residents not to park illegally. Again, it’s a simple idea but we believe it may prove more effective than yellow lines and no-parking signs.”

If the scheme is successful PC Brigade believes the police authorities may adopt it to deal with other issues.

He added: “It’s not inconceivable that we may ask people nicely if they could stop taking drugs, avoid breaking into people’s houses and refrain from punching each other’s lights out in the Square on a Friday and Saturday night.

“If they don’t we may be forced to post a polite note through their letterbox asking if they could spare the time to come down to the station and maybe undertake a visit to a local court.”

Operation Model Search

2011-10-04T16:57:00.001+01:00

Dr Who?

No sooner have Albert Einstein's theories concerning the space time continuum been called into question, than ground-breaking time travel is now been rendered possible here in Petersfield.

When we recall famous scientific ventures we more often think of CERN's Large Hadron Collider or the launch site at Cape Canaveral, but this week it is Petersfield's Rams Walk that has made the headlines.

On Saturday morning an experiment conducted under the codename ‘Model Search’, saw 18 volunteers strut up and down Rams Walk and systematically travel forwards and backwards in time.

The 'singularity' that facilitates the ability to travel in time, and so reduce the need for lengthy stays in Petersfield’s increasingly expensive car parks, lies directly beneath the Waitrose clock.

Why not try this out for yourself? As you approach the clock from The Square, make a note of the time and walk in the direction of the Waitrose car park. Once you have passed under the clock, glance back over your shoulder at the clock and you will see that you have travelled back in time by 1 hours and 11 minutes.

Any concerns can be easily mitigated by walking back under the clock in the other direction and completely reversing the effect.

Trudy Wormhole, a spokesperson for Model Search said: “We were pushed into this by yet another increase in the car park fee. Now, if you are staying in town for more than two of our normal Earth hours, or if you are late returning to your car, you can avoid receiving a fine simply by passing under the Waitrose clock!

“In fact if you are staying for less than 1 hour and 11 minutes, you can avoid paying anything at all, by getting to your vehicle in time to stop yourself spending a pound on a ticket…”

Speaking on behalf of Waitrose, Pat Hay-Foygraz, said: “I really don’t know what to say, but I can confirm we are promoting two meals for £10 at the moment.”

We asked David Tennant, once famous starey-eyed time-traveller what he thought of the situation, he told Newswire: “Two meals for a tenner sounds alright to me.”

Volume control

2011-09-29T07:16:00.000+01:00

Camouflage brackets available for £9.99, if you can find one

Petersfield’s leading newspaper the Petersfield Proust is offering its readers the opportunity to own an extensive 24-volume encyclopaedia charting the history of World War II.

Impress your friends with this enormous collection that will, depending upon the size of your house, take up an entire wall.

Very wide – once you have factored in all 48 covers – and incredibly heavy, this collection will need additional wall brackets to ensure your shelf can support the weight. Special camouflage wall brackets can be purchased at the discounted cost of only £9.99 each.

The first volume is absolutely free, enticing you into starting your collection. The publisher’s hope is that once you’ve started, a bit like Hitler, you just won’t be able to stop yourself.

The collection takes just under half a year to complete – around one twelfth the length of the war itself – and while it doesn’t cost a ‘bomb’ you will need to ‘shell’ out £2.99 for each book. Ideal for anybody with more money than sense and perhaps, ultimately, the plaster removing from an old wall.

The ultimate cost is approaching £70 and, spread over half a year, you’ll probably never notice that hard-earned cash trickling from your account. You could actually buy several proper well-written tomes on the subject of World War II for that kind of money but don’t let that put you off, just think of the visual spectacle in your home.

The publisher accepts no responsibility for the damage to your shelf and wall as your collection grows, neither will it refund the cost of volumes purchased should you decide that you are wasting your money.

How about a decent newspaper spread over the year in 52 weekly instalments? That would be a lot better.

All change to no change

2011-09-26T10:00:00.006+01:00

Petersfield parking tokens

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has announced that it expects to earn an extra 30 pence per day when the increased car park tolls take effect on October 1.

The minimum price is set to rise from 90p to £1, in Petersfield’s largest two car parks* but the reality is that most paying car park users shove a pound coin in the slot anyway.

Waitrose shopper May Dermunny said: “I really can’t be bothered to scratch around for change and always pop a pound coin in the machine.”

Bell Hill old-timer Arthur Wrytiz chimed in: “The Waitrose car park takes small change right down to a 5p piece, but I find it takes me ages to feed a number of coins into the machine, especially when it spits half of them back out again.”

Ray Kittin, manager of EHDC’s ‘Unwanted Gold’ campaign, explained: “First of all we want to make it quite clear that we are only raising the prices to improve the parking experience for all Petersfield residents.

“We all know what it’s like to stand in the cold when an annoying old duffer is struggling with his or her small change, or some inconsiderate yummy mummy is taking the opportunity to show her precious Hermione how to feed small coins into the machine.

“From October, not only will the price of a two-hour stay rise from 90p to £1 but also only pound coins will be accepted. Actually that’s not strictly true, two pound coins will also be accepted, but no change given. And that’s in the 50 per cent of machines that are actually in working order at any given time.

“While we accept that we will not make much profit from this increase, with most people already paying a pound, the small profits we do make should pay for the new signage and adaptations to the machines by 2043.”

*The calculation of which are Petersfield’s largest car parks does not include the town itself, which is to all intents and purposes one big car park these days.

Petersfield’s gypsy plans unveiled

2011-09-22T13:56:00.000+01:00

A traditional gypsy caravan

Dale Farm’s gypsy population has been invited to set up home in Petersfield by Trevor Laws, chairman of Petersfield Town Council’s planning committee.

Laws has set the caravan wheels in motion to meet the housing requirements forced upon the peaceful market town by government.

Petersfield has been told it needs to grow by 422 homes before the end of 2028 and Laws thinks this gives the town a chance to exploit a loophole.

“There are 420 families living on Dale Farm, if they all move down here, there will only be a need to build a further two homes between now and 2028,” he said.

“Nobody wants development apart from the developers themselves, and this would be a great way to avoid it.

“Even the South Downs National Park representatives are caving in to pressure, so my plan will put an end to all this talk of building plots.”

Laws has been in secret talks with Dale Farm representatives Eve Hilleye and Iona Quadbyke, and they have agreed a certain standard of accommodation could be mandatory.

“I have insisted that each home has to be a traditional “pretty” gypsy caravan; the site will look beautiful and if anything, attract visitors to our part of the National Park.

“The caravans could be sited next to our existing caravan population, at the rough end of town, down on The Causeway, so that shouldn’t upset anyone.

Iona Quadbyke tries out the tree with a ladder on the Causeway site

“A loan scheme has been put in place with the Swiss Bank UBS, who are desperate for some good press, and the gypsies will be able to pay for their new caravans over the next 15 years.

“The bonus will be the ‘mates rates’ system that I will insist upon for tarmac resurfacing work. When our roads fall apart this winter, following another ‘unexpected’ cold snap, our new neighbours will be out to fix the cracks before you can say no to a sprig of lucky heather.”

Petersfield's town-centre survey reveals stuff

2011-09-19T13:30:00.002+01:00

An artist's impression of how the town centre will

look in 2012 with, left, and without investment

A survey among Petersfield residents to discover which businesses should fill vacant lots in the town has thrown up few surprises.

Top of the list was a ‘second Waitrose with parking only for 4x4s’ closely followed by Barbour. ‘A Porsche dealership’ was third, while Primark had support from only one per cent of those surveyed coming out of Waitrose. Fortnum & Mason was another popular choice among the middle-aged.

Major Hold-Ups, a retired army veteran who now works for the Highways Agency, threw his weight behind an ‘Army Recruiting Office’.

“That’d sort ‘em out,” he blustered. “Oh, and an S&M club. Not much by way of that around here currently.”

A surprising number of people surveyed coming out of the 99p Store said they would welcome a 98p Shop as “times were hard”.

Teenagers admitted they preferred to shop “anywhere rather than Petersfield” and their most popular shops were those used either by their peers or by some twat on TV.

A DIY store and garden centre is sadly lacking according to Charlie Dimmock and Tommy Walsh, who live at Titchmarsh, near Alton.

Dimmock said: “We believe the town would benefit from a water feature and some decking; but since Focus closed there’s simply nowhere to buy the essential pieces.”

Other popular choices included coffee shops, ‘upmarket’ charity shops, a store when you can buy extended guarantees and a delicatessen specialising in sun-dried tomatoes.

East Hampshire Council, which conducted the survey, admitted that most of the answers had been predictable and that the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money.

A spokesman said: “Most of the answers were predictable and the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money. It didn’t matter what stores people want they’re not going to move into Petersfield town centre until the rents drop substantially. And that’s not going to happen all the time the landlords want to turn the properties into flats.

“Without some investment the town centre could become a ghost town – or a car park, and it’s well on its way to that as anybody visiting on a Sunday will tell you.”

Wacky boy racers

2011-09-14T13:46:00.001+01:00

Surrey and Hampshire Constabularies have combined forces in the hunt for a number of speeding drivers who have been filmed racing through the Hindhead tunnel.

Richard Dastardly?

D.I. M Lylit told Newswire: "These wacky criminals, because that's what they are, are terrorising the inhabitants of Hindhead and other commuters using the roads.

"They seem to regard the new tunnel as something of a challenge, flouting the law and then posting video evidence of their escapade on You Tube.

"We have been provided with good pictures of the vehicles and are sure that with a little bit of help from your readers we will be able to apprehend these miscreants.

“The public have already helped by suggesting a few names. We would like to talk to a Mr Dastardly, a gang called the Ant Hill Mob, a Miss Pitstop and a Mr Perfect.

Peter Perfect?

"The drivers are fools unto themselves, with images this clear being made available to us, we are certain that we will be making arrests before too long.”

If you have any information that you think might be of use to Hampshire's and Surrey's finest, especially if you know the whereabouts of any of these drivers, please contact Newswire.

Your Sheet, and you know you are

2011-09-12T16:51:00.000+01:00

A Sheet resident gets twitchy

A ‘net curtain’ dividing line has been proposed – if the village of Sheet gets the go-ahead to split from its big brother neighbour Petersfield.

Leader of the SS (Separate Sheet), Baron Ludwig von Queenshead, said: “It’s quite simple – it will be like the old iron curtain across Europe…just more in keeping with the area.

“After all, there is no point in our quaint little village managing to extricate itself from the shadow of the urban sprawl of Petersfield if we don’t mark the dividing line in some way.”

The big debate will now take place as to where the ‘net curtain’ should fall.

“Obviously we don’t want the concrete jungle of the Herne Farm estate in Sheet – that goes without saying,” stressed von Queenshead.

“I don’t much care for Pulens Lane either – or any of the houses on the old A3, they’re quite obviously urban in nature.

“There are also rather too many terraced houses that don’t really lend themselves to the image we’d like to create for Sheet, so I think essentially we’re talking about the village green, the old oak tree, St Mary’s Church and, er, the Queens Head. We might also adopt a corridor along to the Harrow, even though technically it’s kind of on the Steep border, because it’s such a landmark.

“Admittedly, it’s going to have to be a fairly long ‘net curtain’ but I, for one, think it will be worth it to keep the Petersfield riff-raff at bay.”

A passing spokesman for the Herne Farm Residents’ Association said: “What?!? We’re not in Sheet any more?? In that case we must be in Harting – we’re a farm for heaven’s sake! We have to be in a village of some description.

“Right, I’m not giving this up without a fight. I’m off to form a new group called Farmers For Sheet. You wait until I get going – FFS will be the letters on everyone’s lips...”

Bus Pass Farce

2011-09-08T10:00:00.010+01:00

Commuter belt alms houses

A pensioner in Steep has complained that her free bus pass has been rendered absolutely valueless because the bus service she used to use has been cancelled.

"It's not worth the plastic it's printed on," said Anne Cestraloam.

Cancellation of the 95 Countryliner service has meant that Cestraloam no longer has a bus picking her up from outside her 15th century almshouse. This puts her in the same position as about 98 per cent of elderly people who live in rural locations, except she lives in a historic listed building.

"I think you're missing the point dear,” the increasingly angry old lady told our reporter. "You see I used to have it really easy with the bus picking me up and dropping me off only a few feet from the bottom of my beautiful garden.

"It was a lovely big bus and there was always lots of room. In fact, if you time your journey right, I was often the only person on it."

We put it to Cestraloam that if it really was just her catching the bus, perhaps Hampshire County Council were actually justified in ceasing the service.

"Oh, it's not just me dear," Cestraloam insisted. “Mr Jenkins, Mr Trubshaw and Mrs Merryweather will also be at a complete loss without the service.”

We asked Cestraloam whether these were here neighbours, and were they also completely dependent upon the bus, adding weight to her argument that there is indeed a need for the 95 service?

"Neighbours, no dear, they all have cars. Jenkins is my butler, Trubshaw is the gardener and Mrs Merryweather is my cook, although to be honest I'm thinking of letting her go, her quiches are simply awful. Can you recommend any good cooks dear?”

A spokesman for Hampshire County Council claimed the bus route had been cancelled as part of the village’s ongoing drive for independence.

He said: “We keep hearing that Sheet wants independence from Petersfield and this was all planned as part of a move towards that goal. Steep? Is that not the same place? Oh bugger it!”

Your horoscope - a problem page for the desperate and gullible

2011-09-07T13:44:00.000+01:00

When “Dangerous” Dave Molestrangler put 'psycho' as a trade on a job application form, the human resources department thought he put ‘psychic’. So he’s on a week’s internship at Petersfield Newswire as our astrologer supreme.

Next week’s guest astrologer is that cheerful chap Colonel Gaddafi – we’re sure he’ll have plenty to say.

Aries

This week is a great one for romance – providing you meet another moose! How can you be so ugly with only one head? Avoid long walks in the country side as you may scare the animals.

Taurus

With bile rising, you repulse me. You are a fat bastard who could clearly do with shedding a few pounds. Don’t trust the advice of a friend – you don’t have any. Everybody hates you and they only speak to you because you know that bloke off X Factor.

Gemini

A career change is in the offing, largely because you’re a shit cook. Have you considered bricklaying? You could use your gravy as mortar. And I’m not sure your ‘daughter’ is really yours…

Cancer

With inflation in the ascendency you should really give up on the job as a financial advisor. The bank will foreclose on your mortgage in the next year and something will go hideously wrong with a wardrobe.

Leo

Stop parking your BMW outside your neighbour’s house – it will only bring bad luck and the possibility of an ‘accidental’ keying. The woman at work whom you think fancies you actually finds you repulsive.

Virgo

Women: do everything you can to win the affection of your man tonight. Shower him with snacks, beer and a curry. You will find it most beneficial. Men: Live football, Sky Sports 1, 7pm tonight.

Libra

Now is the time for a career change. You’ve grown fat and ugly and men want more from a hooker in the 21st century. Why not move into presenting on Cheapstuff.tv? That’s not a mole on the inside of your thigh, it’s a scampi fry.

Scorpio

You’re in luck. A Nigerian widow will contact you about a lot of money; you can make cash out of a recent accident; and you have been included in the prizewinners in this year’s Reader’s Digest draw. You’re also a prize chump!

Sagittarius

You owe a man some money and if you don’t pay up soon he’ll break all your fingers. However, with Saturn rising there could also be a love interest involved.

Capricorn

A close friend is likely to betray you. It’s got nothing to do with astrology, that’s just life. Live with it.

Aquarius

If you’re thinking of taking an expensive holiday, do it and do it now before it’s too late – don’t think about the expense. You won’t see 2012.

Pisces

Somebody special will enter your life this weekend: Piers Morgan. And you think he’s ‘special’ – that’s how sad and lonely your life is. Stop watching reality TV and get yourself a partner that doesn’t need inflating.

*If you have been unduly affected by anything you may have read here there's probably some state-funded phone-line to help you. Though really you should just man up. For a start this is a spoof website, and secondly, astrology is bollocks.

Folding paper could be much worse than it sounds

2011-09-02T10:00:00.005+01:00

Some fish and chips, sold by a fish and chip shop yesterday

D-Day is looming for our two local papers: the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold.

The newspaper industry is in rapid decline and local media expert Meg Azine believes one of the papers may be forced to fold before Christmas owing to a dearth of suitable stories.

She explained: “Recently the papers have been able to exist on a diet of exam result pictures, prom pictures and pages of pictures taken at events like the summer festivities. It’s got like a middle-class Hello!

“But with summer almost behind us these options are no longer open to the newspapers. They have to start finding proper stories and there just aren’t enough to go around.

“The economy has hit them hard: with university fees going up next year, fewer private-school kids are able to take a year off to try to go round the world and ask for financial support in the paper while being photographed on their bike, in their canoe or simply looking posh.

“Every available piece of land appears to have been built on so there are no residents’ campaigns to feature; there are fewer and fewer ‘vicious attacks’ or murders for neighbours to ‘come to terms with’; banks can no longer afford to print giant cheques to hand over to allotment holders; and if we get a traffic warden even the letters page might have to go.

“Already we have seen stories such as ‘fish and chip shop sells fish and chips’ and ‘ex-railway worker has shiny top hat’. And a local non-entity has even been given his own column to pad out the Proust. The signs are not good.”

However, local entrepreneur Osama Ben Hurry, a specialist in “stepping in at the last minute to save the day” plans to step in at the last minute to save the day. He claims to have an idea which would enable both papers to survive at least until the new year.

“It’s called the Christmas Festivities,” he said. “I thought we could shut the High St for three days, have some live music, some Christmas-themed stalls and a special big arrow pointing from the War Memorial to Café Fusso, so nobody misses out on business.

“It will provide lots of stories in the run-up to Christmas if we come up with some awards and some disgruntled shopkeepers – and there’s never any shortage of those in Petersfield. And afterwards there will be enough pictures of small children wrapped up warm and old men in shiny suits to last well into January.

“Then if we launch an Easter Festivities we should have enough material to last until the next murder happens. It would be a tragedy if this small town lost its overpriced and news-light local papers.”

A spokesman for the Petersfield Harold denied the newspaper was facing an uncertain future.

“There is no truth in the rumour of our potential demise,” he insisted. “Only this week in our editorial meeting we discussed the possibility of a ‘biggest sunflower’ competition and the use of more ‘news’ from Haslemere. It’s business as usual here.”

Kyle be damned

2011-08-30T10:27:00.004+01:00

A Havant resident causes havoc in Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square
when he gets hold of the remote

Petersfield town's residents' hopes of being able to watch the 2012 Olympics on a big screen look set to be dashed.

It had been hoped that the people of Petersfield would be able to enjoy the Olympics next year together, and in something of a carnival atmosphere, but this is now looking unlikely to happen.

In a recent meeting between East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) and Havant Borough Council (HBC) the possibility of sharing use of a large screen was discussed.

With the weekly cost of hiring a big screen in excess of £6000, sharing looked to be the only affordable option; but the problems of sharing a screen with Havant look insurmountable.

Jim Nastics, from EHDC, said: "The problem is that some of the main events such as the men’s 100 metres final and the opening ceremony clash with things they would want to watch in Havant, in these two specific cases... Jeremy Kyle.

Leigh Park’s Duane Jenkins would love to have made it onto the big screen

“We have tried to come to some sort of compromise, but May Karfist, the chairman of HBC was quite insistent that Havant folk would definitely want to see their relatives or friends, should they feature in a show.

“My lot would not be happy if we paid out for a big screen only to miss a guest appearance by one of our more colourful characters. I’d ‘ave me windows put through or me Subaru torched.”

Beautiful results in Petersfield

2011-08-25T11:07:00.001+01:00

Betty would never have been used for a 2011 results photoshoot

Bojangles, Petersfield’s posh school has celebrated a record year for A level results.

A spokesman for the school confirmed that in 2011 no ugly girls or any boys received A level results – only attractive young girls, as shown by the pictures sent to the Petersfield Proust and the Times Educational Supplement (TES).

The spokesman admitted: “Naturally we always get good results at Bojangles – parents who pay through the nose to send their snotty kids here would not expect anything else. But in previous years boys and unattractive girls – some right mingers among them – have achieved high grades.

“This year we were delighted it was only pretty girls who achieved their results. We were sadly short of a set of blonde twins, but we feel we did quite well with what was available to us. What’s more they were ideally unable to keep hold of the pieces of paper upon which their results were printed, constatly throwing them into the air for dramatic effect."

“There is great competition among schools, particularly in the private sector, to produce stunningly beautiful A* students and we are proud we seem to have surpassed our rivals in this field.

“It’s all very well getting five A*s and a good degree at Oxbridge, but only high cheekbones will ultimately allow you to find a millionaire husband. At Bojangles we specialise in producing students ideally equipped for this challenge of society. Plus we also run some extra-curricula courses in cannabis growing for those unfortunate enough not to have the perfect figure.”

The TES confirmed that Bojangles had sent the newspaper “pictures of girls celebrating their GCSE results. None included male students or ‘dowdier’ girls”, while a message “from Badminton School , in Bristol , said “Just wanting to give you some details of some absolutely ‘beyootiful’ girls we’ve got here who are getting their A level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories ... They’re amazing girls.”

Following today’s release of GCSE results, a spokesman for Petersfield Big School said: “We were bitterly disappointed with our GCSE coverage this year. Even though our pass rate was up, we made the classic mistake of offering up an overweight, spotty boy for the press picture.

“He has 12 A-stars and was offered a place at both Cambridge and Oxford to read law but unfortunately he was deemed ‘not the right media profile’ for any coverage at all. Plus he was unable to jump more than a couple of inches while waving his results notification..."

Let’s face it kids, if you don’t get A levels plastic surgery is the only option.

You Cant be serious

2011-08-23T12:43:00.002+01:00

Somebody should be thrown through the arched window...

The rationale behind the new monstrosity in Petersfield has been defended in an effort to calm irate townsfolk.

Beside Petersfield’s central car park, in a corner previously occupied by quaint old shops, rises an incongruous brick edifice, details of which have been largely kept a secret from the public.

Newswire can reveal that the design of the building is loosely based upon a combination of a Swiss chalet and, curiously, a design from the old BBC favourite, Play School .

The architect, Swiss born Emma Entahl told journalists: “I visited Petersfield during the winter and noticed how this car park was like a scene in Switzerland , sheet ice, with piles of snow all around, like a black run at Gstaad. When asked to give my thoughts on this new build, I thought a chalet would be the perfect design.

“I was however conscious of the need to incorporate something very English into the blueprint and, after some research, decided upon the old children’s favourite Play School . You know with Brian Cant and Floella Benjamin.

Fewer windows than the new build

“I feel the chalet style blends seamlessly with its surroundings whilst there is the subtle nod towards English eccentricity with the inclusion of a round window, an arched window, a square window, and also because I had some spare wall space... a triangular window.”

The building will be home to a new furniture store with affordable accommodation in the roof space.

On a more positive note, the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), which has recently declared words such as 'aerodrome' and 'charabanc' as extinct, told Newswire that this building has singularly rescued the word 'carbuncle' from archival.

Clear forward planning required for Petersfield

2011-08-18T10:00:00.008+01:00

Fuzzy planning calls for fuzzy pictures as used by the local press

Busybodies in Petersfield will hit the jackpot when the South Downs National Park Authority hosts a ‘Petersfield Plan’ workshop next month.

The authority’s chairman, Marge Inallyinterested, said: “This is really, really special; quite unique. And we need the people of Petersfield to tell us what they want for their town for the future.

“Clearly, if we just went ahead and did things, the people of Petersfield would simply write ill-informed letters of complaint to the local newspaper – that’s what they do.

“So we thought we’d invite 70 of them to come for a day’s all-in wrestling at Petersfield’s The Big School, to express their opinions.

“It’s clear to us that there will be a lot of people who will want to pedestrianise the town square while a similar number would oppose it. That’s just the sort of animated discussion which could last all day. And ultimately which way we vote will be determined by two falls or a submission.

“We don’t want all the usual suspects to come forward – those who are always volunteering to help. We want the busybodies who moan and bicker about everything and get people to sign worthless petitions. Those are the people whose opinions we really want to ignore.

“For me it is about saying ‘you work here’, ‘you live here’, and ‘you moan constantly about everything here’ so why not come and have your say? We can’t ignore your views if we don’t know what they are.”

A pedantic resident added: “It can’t be ‘quite unique’; it’s either unique or it isn’t.”

The 70 places on the day-long workshop on September 10, will undoubtedly be snapped up by people who don’t have to work and therefore will be hugely representative of the town.

Cam Payne, a spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), said: “Bizarrely, I’m quite up for this. It will give me the opportunity to gainsay every view put forward. I’m not hypocritical. I’m against every thing, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. And if I’m not you can be damned sure I know somebody who is. Or isn’t, as the case may be…”