Miaow Miaow - new threat

Petersfield gardeners fear they may have to cancel their annual spring show - as a UK-wide shortage of plant food supplement begins to bite.

"It's terrible!" exclaimed Reg Petal, chairman of the town's horticultural society. "We've never had such a bad year - my cucumbers are tiny, my daffs are limp and I don't think my tulips are ever going to come up.

"All our members are saying the same, and it's all because of a lack of mephedrone. There's just none around! I've tried all the usual websites and every single one is sold out - and I can't get near my local garden centre because it's surrounded by monged-out teenagers."

The great plant food shortage started last month as word was spread by headline-seeking local newspapers and councillor busybodies about the ecstasy-style effects of snorting plant food - and the fact that it was cheap, readily available and completely legal.

Some local rags even advertised its weight-loss side-effect, making it particularly attractive to young girls looking to lose their muffins as well as get off their tits for virtually nothing.

"It's simply irresponsible," added green-fingered Reg. "Until the papers started banging on about mephedrone - or compost as we gardeners call it - I could get as much as I wanted. It meant I could while away hours at my allotment completely mashed off my face. Now I'm gardening straight I've realised how ****ing dull it is."