Crime prevention

 An officer tests out a new toy on loan from Surrey

The number of crimes reported in Hampshire has fallen, according to new Home Office figures released last week.

Muggings are up 10%, burglaries up 12%, robbery is up 8%, domestic violence is up 23% and fraud is up 3%. Identity fraud is up 36%, knife crime is up 17%, gun-related crime is up 13%, road crime is up 26% and drug crime is up 29%.

However, against this backdrop of increased disorder and criminality stands the fact that nearly all of East Hampshire’s police stations have been closed down.

Detective Superintendant Plod said: “I am proud to announce, that in line with official guidelines, from next year Hampshire Constabulary - Eastern Division, will operate from one solitary police station.

“It is anticipated this will cut our overheads by some 35%. Furthermore, we will be selling existing police stations, and expect this action to raise £3.5M for police funds. This should enable us to invest in some shiny new cars and some of those rather splendid Segway scooter things.”

We asked DS Plod how it is we are being told crime has reduced in the area when the truth appears to be the complete opposite.

“Reported crime has fallen,” he told us. “You need to find a policeman, or speak to one on the telephone to report a crime, and from what we understand most victims simply give up.

“I want to reassure the public, that in the face of adversity, we, the boys in blue, are always there to help. If for any reason you need assistance or need to report a crime, please call our strategic nerve centre in Alton on 01420 999 999, on a Wednesday between the hours of 14:00 and 14:05.”