David Cameron shows his true colours

A true blue

The Prime Minister last week insisted that HM Revenue and Customs sit down and talk to Portsmouth Football Club in a real attempt to come to an arrangement over unpaid taxes.

At the time he said: "Knowing one or two Pompey fans I can certainly understand the idea that they could go and support Southampton is completely incredible and we must do everything we can to keep this friendly rivalry going."

This was initially thought to be mere rhetoric, but on Saturday the Prime Minister was spotted in Petersfield, having abandoned his trip to Fratton Park following the late postponement of Pompey’s match against Hull City.

When asked why he was in town, he replied: “If you must know, I’ve just been to the rather splendid parlour on the junction of Winton Road and Station Road; I find it’s the very best place to get my tats done.”

The Prime Minister was sporting a new tattoo on his left cheek and after little persuasion, he soon bared his chest revealing several years of work by various tattoo artists.

It was now clear why he had refused to roll up his sleeves last year in a London hospital, incurring the wrath of a resident doctor.

“You may as well also know that I’ve just had my name changed by Deed Poll. My full name and title is now Prime Minister David Portsmouth Football Club Cameron.”

We asked the Prime Minister for his thoughts on the Chris Huhne resignation. He told Newswire: “He didn’t resign, I told him to quit. I’ve been trying to get rid of that bloody scummer for ages.”

Oh dear: Petersfield Newswire budget cut

F ll wing the G vernment’s ‘C mprehensive Spending Review’ the Petersfield Newswire has had its budget slashed by 1/26th .

C nsequently all news items in future will be written with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’.

A sp kesman f r Newswire said: “Unf rtunately we are as liable t cuts as any ther w rthless b dy and theref re have taken the brave – s me might say f lhardy decisi n – t d away with the letter , spelt ‘ h’, in all future news items.

“We sympathise with readers – particularly th se wh d n’t live in Petersfield – but they will s n bec me used t d ing with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’. This is just ne f the many knee-jerk cutbacks f rced up n s ciety by the C n-Dem c aliti n, but ur readers will have n truck with that as they v ted f r them in the first place.”

Petersfield Newswire is n t the nly east Hampshire rganisati n t be hit hard. Defence cuts mean East Hampshire MP Julian Hindsight will n l nger be able t sit n de-fence and will have t pr ffer a view  n the issues f the day.

Residents are likely t find prices rising in Waitr se, with  rganic, gluten-free Italian bread retailing at s mewhere near the gr ss d mestic pr duct f a small East African republic.

It’s n t all bad news, h wever. Prime Minister David ‘James’ Camer n – the direct r f such epics as Titanic, Avatar and The Bullingd n Club 2: This Time It’s n Expenses – and Chancell r Ge rge sb rne-H use are n t affected by the cuts.

A sp kesman c nfirmed: “The c untry can sleep safe in the kn wledge that b th gentlemen are immune fr m the cuts as they have rather large family estates up n which they can rely.”

Early success for 'Big Society'

Mr Dooright keen to fill the

Prime Minister’s shoes

Big savings are set to be made in Petersfield - thanks to David Cameron's wacky 'Big Society' idea.

The first cash saving to be identified is the £65,738 salary of our new MP Damian Hindsight. That's the amount that will be saved following an offer by unemployed Dudley Dooright to do the MP's job for nothing, as a volunteer.

Mr Dooright, who lost his job as a librarian after volunteers moved in to do it for him, said: "I've always wanted to serve the local community and now that I've got more time on my hands this seemed like an ideal opportunity.

"It will give me another chance to wear a suit that I bought for a friend's wedding a few years ago, it's just hanging in a wardrobe at home attracting moths.

'Maybe Mr Hindsight could also enter into the spirit of it and do a spot of brain surgery to ease the load on local doctors - after all, if I'm doing his job, he'll be available.'

And the money-saving idea looks set to grow and grow. Mr Dooright, 59, said: 'Once I've got the hang of being an MP, you know, after a couple of weeks or so, I'll probably volunteer to take on the Prime Minister's job - and that would save £142,500 for the public purse.

'And I've got loads of friends who are all up for this Big Society idea. My girlfriend Filma Muffins will do all Kate Moss's catwalk work, my best mate Shrek McScouse has offered to play up front for Manchester United, and his daughter Chasney says she can oversee the rest of the Chilcott Inquiry once she's finished her homework (besides we all know how it's going to end anyway).

'They'll all do this for nothing, it's fantastic! The more I think about Dave Cameron's Big Society idea the more I like it...besides, he started it.'