Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayo!

Frontrunner: He Arket Inn

As the coalition cuts start to bite, Petersfield’s hard-pressed businessmen have been given a boost by a new set of annual awards.


Petersfield In Boom will award a trophy and a free set of corrugated tin to the best-maintained empty shop or pub premises in the town – and the move has already been backed by Tory MP Damian Hindsight.


“It’s important to recognise that, even as we’re wrecking the economy, there’s no need to be scruffy about it,” said Mr Hindsight. “Obviously a few businesses have gone to the wall even in prosperous Petersfield but I’m sure the town can maintain its dignity by keeping its High Street up to scratch.”


A frontrunner for the Petersfield In Boom award has to be the Market Inn (actually now known as the ‘arket’ since the ‘M’ fell off months ago), which has been boarded up for years with tasteful – and matching – metal sheets in every window.

Also in the running is the former Petersfield Electricals shop in Lavant Street, which has opted for the ‘abandoned’ rather than ‘closed down’ look, and Petersfield police station which has pretended to be an official building even though it has been filled with tumbleweed for years.


The former White Hart pub is not thought to be in the running because technically it is still a business – a car park clamping and fleecing operation – and the 99p Shop may be allowed to enter on the basis that’s it’s not a proper Petersfield-style business anyway and probably would be closed down if most of the population had their way.


Late bids for the title are expected to come from the library, the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, the Taro Leisure Centre, the Grange Birth Centre, Petersfield Hospital, Petersfield fire station, and all state schools – just as soon as the Con-Dem government gets round to closing them down. 


“It’s a great idea,” insisted a delighted Mr Hindsight. “If it proves as popular as I hope it will, we may extend it and have a section for the best dressed unemployed person…”

Flimsy excuses cause closure of Petersfield birthing unit

The popular Petersfield birthing centre, The Grange Maternity Centre, is to close “temporarily” as midwives are moved to hospitals to cope with a “baby boom”.

In much the same way that an increase in criminal activity and anti-social behaviour necessitated the closure of Petersfield police station, NHS officials were left scurrying around in an attempt to come up with a feasible excuse for the move.

Portsmouth Hospitals NHS Trust has denied any plans to shut the unit but the impending Government comprehensive cutting review seems certain to expedite its shutting down.

A spokesman for the NHS Trust said: “It has come to our notice that the hundreds of people who worked tirelessly a few years ago to mount a campaign to keep the Grange open have been getting bored with nothing to do.

“This is all part of a community project and fits nicely with David Cameron’s Big Society objective. Groups can build up a great community spirit while mounting a concerted campaign opposing the closure and, when they realise their efforts have been futile, we can ask them to take control of the unit themselves.

“The Big Society allows for a couple of people with clean towels, boiling water and a large pair of forceps to run the unit for the benefit of the community. It will be a lasting legacy of the Conservatives’ community initiatives.”

Phil Opiantubes, head of moving midwifery to save money (MMSM), said: “What we need to make sure is that the midwives are where the women are. So by forcing the women to have their babies in Portsmouth we can justify moving all our midwives there.”

The same premise may be applied to other public services in the area. An increase in arson may see the forced closure of Petersfield fire station, while an increase in the number of commuters using Petersfield station may force SouthWest Trains to start its Waterloo service from Liphook.

The expected baby boom, will, almost inevitably lead to a closure of primary schools in five years time when the children are heading off to full-time education and once the economy picks up all shops are expected to close.

It’s not all bad news, however. A Government spokesman confirmed that those who could afford to go private would be unaffected.