Council eases grave concerns in Petersfield

Grave matters indeed

East Hampshire County Council has been hailed for its “thinking outside the box” after solving two problems simultaneously.

Faced with a public outcry over the rising charges of cemetery plots and maintenance, the council’s problem-solving guru, ‘Smart’ Alec B’stard, contacted the roads and highways agency to ask about the costs of repairing loose paving stones and potholes.

B’stard explained: “There is only so much money in each pot – civic amenities and road maintenance – but together we could do so much more. So now we plan to bury people underneath loose paving slabs or in potholes.

“There is no need to engage the services of a gravedigger as the holes already exist – some of them large enough to accommodate a couple wishing to be buried together. And once they’re safely underground the dual maintenance subsidy is enough to chuck in a bit of extra asphalt or concrete every time there’s a cold snap and the holes start to reappear.”

The corpse of recently departed Arthur Pewty, formerly of Brian Close, Petersfield, said: “I was worrying about how my family would pay for my cemetery plot but this stroke of genius from the council has put my mind at rest. I can now head to the afterlife without any pecuniary fears.

“It’s a great example of thinking outside the box – which is something I can longer do…”

Crack theory

In a desperate attempt to fleece more money from visitors to the town, pedestrians in Petersfield are to be charged for walking on the cracks in the pavement.

“Our recent changes to the extortionate car parking charges have not generated quite as much cash as we’d like,” said East Hants District Council spokesman Johnny Lightfingers.

“We started charging on Sundays, insist on using machines that don’t give change or take credit cards, and we sneakily set the minimum charge to 90p knowing that most people would have to pay a pound, because who has 90p in change?

“But none of this has worked, we’re still falling short on our budgets – and some sneaky people have started leaving their cars at home and walking into town. Can you believe it?

“So, to make up the shortfall created by the underhandedness of these brazen pedestrian cheats, we’ve decided to hit them where it hurts – in the foot, or thereabouts.”

Lightfingers said he would be creating a crack team of, er, crack inspectors to monitor the central areas of the town, especially in the evenings as those who have imbibed a few drinks are less likely to hop from paving slab to paving slab without touching the cracks.

Haberdasher Matt Tress commented: “Serves them right, those swine who walk past my shop when they could be driving a car up the High Street!”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.