Face of farce

 Fe Fi Fo Fum

This year’s ‘Face of Petersfield’ competition degenerated into something of a farce when the competition was won by a passer-by.

May Kupp  speaking on behalf of the event organisers told Newswire: I know this is a bit unusual but to be honest the finalists were a right bunch of bulldogs chewing wasps... let’s just say they each had a great face for radio!”

The contestants were strutting their stuff, advertising the clothes that are supplied for the event, when along strolled the saviour of the day, Iman Ogre.

Kupp went on: “We grabbed him and asked if he minded joining the competition in view of the opposition and he helpfully agreed.

“It has been suggested that it’s not fair on the other contestants that a competitor who didn’t make it through the preliminary rounds went on to win. I say get over it, he’s better looking than you are.

“So we have our winner and as you can see actually he looks quite normal.”

Operation Model Search

Dr Who?

No sooner have Albert Einstein's theories concerning the space time continuum been called into question, than ground-breaking time travel is now been rendered possible here in Petersfield.

When we recall famous scientific ventures we more often think of CERN's Large Hadron Collider or the launch site at Cape Canaveral, but this week it is Petersfield's Rams Walk that has made the headlines.

On Saturday morning an experiment conducted under the codename ‘Model Search’, saw 18 volunteers strut up and down Rams Walk and systematically travel forwards and backwards in time.

The 'singularity' that facilitates the ability to travel in time, and so reduce the need for lengthy stays in Petersfield’s increasingly expensive car parks, lies directly beneath the Waitrose clock.

Why not try this out for yourself? As you approach the clock from The Square, make a note of the time and walk in the direction of the Waitrose car park. Once you have passed under the clock, glance back over your shoulder at the clock and you will see that you have travelled back in time by 1 hours and 11 minutes.

Any concerns can be easily mitigated by walking back under the clock in the other direction and completely reversing the effect.

Trudy Wormhole, a spokesperson for Model Search said: “We were pushed into this by yet another increase in the car park fee. Now, if you are staying in town for more than two of our normal Earth hours, or if you are late returning to your car, you can avoid receiving a fine simply by passing under the Waitrose clock!

“In fact if you are staying for less than 1 hour and 11 minutes, you can avoid paying anything at all, by getting to your vehicle in time to stop yourself spending a pound on a ticket…”

Speaking on behalf of Waitrose, Pat Hay-Foygraz, said: “I really don’t know what to say, but I can confirm we are promoting two meals for £10 at the moment.”

We asked David Tennant, once famous starey-eyed time-traveller what he thought of the situation, he told Newswire: “Two meals for a tenner sounds alright to me.”