Petersfield in search for token town 'celebrity'

Jhon Cosgrove: his lack of a top hat is hampering his 'celebrity' status

Petersfield is searching for a new town celebrity to take some of the burden off the current pairing of John ‘PFC’ Westwood and ‘The man in the shiny suit©’.

A new ‘character’ could also help to spare the embarrassment felt by the town’s ordinary residents every time one of these two turns up in the local media.

“It’s difficult for just two people to take on the entire responsibility for representing the town whenever there’s a need for a local nutter,” explained Petersfield PR guru Max Cloffears.

“Besides, the rest of us are fed up with our town being portrayed by a bloke in a top hat who has failed to learn a single note on the cornet despite playing it for about 20 years – or by a bloke in a top hat whose entire vocabulary seems to consist of ‘Roll up, roll up’.

“Surely there must be someone with a modicum of talent out there who could step into the breach whenever there’s a gathering of stalls in the Square or Meridian TV turn up to do a vox pop on the South Downs National Park?”

Earlier this year there were hopes that Petersfield might be able to claim some real celebrities as their own – but they have been cruelly dashed.

It turns out top ‘Petersfield’s own’ TV comic Miranda Hart is actually a posho who spent her entire childhood miles away at boarding school and – despite her parents living in the vicinity – she has yet to be spotted downing a pint in Foggies or even working out which armed services charity to support with her Waitrose green token thingy.

Jude Law has been spotted more than once wearing sunglasses in the rain while strolling in Rams Walk – and once ate an American Hot One in ASK (apparently) – but it seems that having kids at Bedales doesn’t actually qualify him as a bona fide town celeb.

That bloke off Outnumbered has also been spied catching a train from Petersfield station but no-one can remember his name and he’s actually drabber than ‘The man in the shiny suit©’ so he’s a no-no too.

Current frontrunner for the post of the town’s ‘third nutter’ has to be Jhon Cosgrove, who not only fronts a proper band – Mike TV – but spells his name in a daft way and has wacky hair. The only problem is that, so far, he has shown a distinct lack of top hats in his wardrobe, so the field is still wide open…