Petersfield in turmoil as 'mild inconvenience' takes hold

Contingency plans to deal with the 'working classes'

have been lost to budget cuts

Petersfield was yesterday thrown into chaos as East Hampshire District Council admitted it had no contingency plans to cover ‘mild inconvenience’.

The town came to a virtual standstill after a lightning strike hit a railway signal box and caused some ‘inconvenience’ involving delayed trains, temporary loss of phone lines for local homes and businesses and the catastrophic momentary increase in signal for the town’s O2 network users.

Residents were “in uproar” according to local scaremongerer, career demonstrator and media cliché user Cam Payne, of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS). He insisted at least two people of his acquaintance were “thrown into turmoil” and had to “come to terms” with being inconvenienced and blamed the local council.

However, a spokesman for the council, Nat Todowithme, rejected Payne’s claims, although he admitted the incident had highlighted a shortfall in contingency planning.

He said: “I have spoken to the telephonist at Pennpushers Place who has confirmed she received no calls from residents complaining they had no telephone connections. What’s more it’s naff all to do with us if they didn’t. Neither is it our fault that the trains were not running on time.

“At an emergency meeting last night, however, council officials did realise that there were no contingency plans in place to cope with a wide outbreak of ‘mild inconvenience’ in the Petersfield area. We have plans for flood, pestilence, famine, war, earthquake, fire and a shortfall of focaccia bread or sun-bleached tomatoes – but we were unable to instigate any plans for ‘mild inconvenience’.

“It would appear this may be owing to funding cutbacks which also did away with contingency plans for ‘invasion by the working classes’ sub-sections two (scaffolders) and four (telephone sanitisers) and ‘dealing with ethnic minorities’.

“Residents should rest assured, however, that they remain perfectly safe … unless of course those bastards from Labour ever get back in.”

Shock at police station closure

Petersfield Police Station seen here being used for the last time

back in 1958

There was widespread shock across Petersfield today when it was announced that the town’s police station was to close because of cutbacks – mainly because not one single resident realised it was still open.

“I thought it closed in the ‘90s,” said passing burglar Ivor Swagbag. “I certainly haven’t seen a copper on foot in the town since…ooh I can’t remember.”

Another dodgy-looking character, Pete O’File, who was hanging around the nearby churchyard, commented: “What? There are coppers in that building. Bloody hell! I must be going.”

Drinkers in the newly reopened Fogfusions bar opposite the station were equally mystified. “A police station you say,” mused one. “Thankfully, they never seem to notice any of our lock-ins, fights, or noise.”

Petersfield’s MP Damian Hindsight waded into the debate, saying: “I’m definitely backing town residents in calling for a full review into this closure, although voters must understand we all have to tighten our belts and pull together, or something.

“There simply is no alternative to cutting costs to pay for bankers’ bonuses, er, I mean fund the black hole of debt left by the last government.

“It seems the only way we could afford police in the past was because Labour was frittering away money on public services. God, these people will be asking for a decent pension next!”