Petersfield group under threat as nothing happens

A Petersfield residents’ group is under threat of extinction after effectively killing off any activity whatsoever in the town.

The Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS) action group has been so successful in ridding the locale of everything that it is losing members rapidly while newspapers and websites seemingly have nothing to report.

Cam Payne, the chairman of the group, explained: “We’ve been in existence now for a number of years and have been ‘outraged’ by everything from tattoo parlours to litter louts. As a group we’ve been responsible for the non-existence of gypsy encampments within the town boundaries; the rise of expensive coffee shops; the lack of entertainment venues; and a high-profile protest against stuff we don’t like or aren’t really sure about.

“But this success has come at a cost. We are haemorrhaging members at an alarming rate; with little left to protest about, they are going off to do other things such as opening coffee shops and jewellers. There is also a very public knock-on effect of our successful protesting – the letters pages of the local newspapers are no longer chock-full of readers’ ill-informed complaint.

“Instead they’re full of people thanking other people for helping them raise funds for some-such thing or for assisting an elderly relative who stumbled while getting out of an illegally parked 4X4. In the Petersfield Proust, they’ve even given over half the letters page to a guy who spends every week moaning about his miserable life.

“At any other time he would have been an ideal member for PRATS, but sadly we’re struggling to recruit as there seems so little to complain about locally. We may even have to turn our attention to national or even international matters. Following today’s news that the Occupy London protest at St Paul’s has been removed perhaps we could Occupy Waitrose … although obviously, we wouldn’t be objecting against capitalism in any form.”

His view on the dearth of local stories was echoed by a spokesman for Petersfield Newswire, Petersfield’s leading news website with the word ‘Newswire’ in its title.

The spokesman said: “I echo his views on the dearth of local stories. Nothing’s happening. We’re even looking forward to the summer, so we at least have the algae and water shortages to write about. It’s a sad time."

PRATS - Petersfield's vocal locals

Cam Payne, Petersfield's biggest PRAT

A new website has been launched to enable Petersfield residents to object to the many things they object to “in a more organised manner”.

The man behind the website, Cam Payne, chairman of the vocal local organisation Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes this is a major step forward in the town’s ability to complain irrationally about all manner of topics.

He said: “Petersfield residents are renowned for objecting – whether it’s against planning applications, the closure of the Town Square, car parking, pavements, the lack of organic five-a-day vegetables, the increasing appearance of fog or a failure to increase oxygen levels for old people.

“While these are all valid objections, as a town we need to have a more co-ordinated approach. Too often the protests are limited to individuals posting leaflets on telegraph poles or somebody writing a letter of ill-informed complaint to the local newspaper.

“The launch of the new website will enable us to protest in a more organised manner. And it will also lead to more concerted and visible campaigns. For a start, this week, following on from the much publicised ‘Occupy’ protests in New York and London , we are holding an Occupy Cloisters march.

“It will start at the statue in the centre of the square and culminate at the Cloisters coffee bar where protesters will occupy all the tables, pausing only to order the occasional latte and eggs Benedict.

“And if, as expected, the protest gathers momentum we will be able to nip across the square to Milletts and purchase some thick socks or even a tent. For most people this will only differ from their normal day in that they will be ordering eggs Benedict instead of a smoked salmon bagel – but the important thing is we have to start somewhere. And the website has enabled us to do that.”

The website comprises a simple content management system into which visitors add in relevant information in order to generate a campaign. These include ‘cause of ire’; ‘action required’; ‘how many angry residents do you require?’; and a multiple-choice section for ‘required action’, which includes tick-boxes for ‘angry letter to the paper’; ‘angry photograph in the paper’; ‘poster pinned up angrily in the library’; or ‘angry stall in town square at next event organised by an angry Ben Errey.

Clear forward planning required for Petersfield

Fuzzy planning calls for fuzzy pictures as used by the local press

 

Busybodies in Petersfield will hit the jackpot when the South Downs National Park Authority hosts a ‘Petersfield Plan’ workshop next month.

The authority’s chairman, Marge Inallyinterested, said: “This is really, really special; quite unique. And we need the people of Petersfield to tell us what they want for their town for the future.

“Clearly, if we just went ahead and did things, the people of Petersfield would simply write ill-informed letters of complaint to the local newspaper – that’s what they do.

“So we thought we’d invite 70 of them to come for a day’s all-in wrestling at Petersfield’s The Big School, to express their opinions.

“It’s clear to us that there will be a lot of people who will want to pedestrianise the town square while a similar number would oppose it. That’s just the sort of animated discussion which could last all day. And ultimately which way we vote will be determined by two falls or a submission.

“We don’t want all the usual suspects to come forward – those who are always volunteering to help. We want the busybodies who moan and bicker about everything and get people to sign worthless petitions. Those are the people whose opinions we really want to ignore.

“For me it is about saying ‘you work here’, ‘you live here’, and ‘you moan constantly about everything here’ so why not come and have your say? We can’t ignore your views if we don’t know what they are.”

A pedantic resident added: “It can’t be ‘quite unique’; it’s either unique or it isn’t.”

The 70 places on the day-long workshop on September 10, will undoubtedly be snapped up by people who don’t have to work and therefore will be hugely representative of the town.

Cam Payne, a spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), said: “Bizarrely, I’m quite up for this. It will give me the opportunity to gainsay every view put forward. I’m not hypocritical. I’m against every thing, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. And if I’m not you can be damned sure I know somebody who is. Or isn’t, as the case may be…”

Petersfield in turmoil as 'mild inconvenience' takes hold

Contingency plans to deal with the 'working classes'

have been lost to budget cuts

Petersfield was yesterday thrown into chaos as East Hampshire District Council admitted it had no contingency plans to cover ‘mild inconvenience’.

The town came to a virtual standstill after a lightning strike hit a railway signal box and caused some ‘inconvenience’ involving delayed trains, temporary loss of phone lines for local homes and businesses and the catastrophic momentary increase in signal for the town’s O2 network users.

Residents were “in uproar” according to local scaremongerer, career demonstrator and media cliché user Cam Payne, of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS). He insisted at least two people of his acquaintance were “thrown into turmoil” and had to “come to terms” with being inconvenienced and blamed the local council.

However, a spokesman for the council, Nat Todowithme, rejected Payne’s claims, although he admitted the incident had highlighted a shortfall in contingency planning.

He said: “I have spoken to the telephonist at Pennpushers Place who has confirmed she received no calls from residents complaining they had no telephone connections. What’s more it’s naff all to do with us if they didn’t. Neither is it our fault that the trains were not running on time.

“At an emergency meeting last night, however, council officials did realise that there were no contingency plans in place to cope with a wide outbreak of ‘mild inconvenience’ in the Petersfield area. We have plans for flood, pestilence, famine, war, earthquake, fire and a shortfall of focaccia bread or sun-bleached tomatoes – but we were unable to instigate any plans for ‘mild inconvenience’.

“It would appear this may be owing to funding cutbacks which also did away with contingency plans for ‘invasion by the working classes’ sub-sections two (scaffolders) and four (telephone sanitisers) and ‘dealing with ethnic minorities’.

“Residents should rest assured, however, that they remain perfectly safe … unless of course those bastards from Labour ever get back in.”

Police resources "stretched" without an editor...

Hampshire police's CCTV unit is up for a

BAFTA for 'best lighting on a speeding ticket'

Hampshire police has been criticised for having the entire Petersfield allocation of officers seconded to a CCTV speed camera team on the B2070 (Petersfield to Liss road) today.

A spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS) was incandescent with rage.

He said: “I’m incandescent with rage … at least that’s what I think I am. I’m sure I remember reading it somewhere. I’m not happy anyway. There were two vehicles at the Liss turning from London Road today … TWO! They were filming drivers of all things.

“Yet just a couple of miles away in Petersfield young people were dropping litter, wearing their trousers halfway down their backsides and laughing. What’s more Costa was charging in excess of £3 for a coffee. These are despicable acts. Why aren’t the police here targeting such wanton acts of criminality?”

A spokeswoman for Hampshire Constabulary confirmed all six officers scheduled to appear in Petersfield at any given time over the next decade were indeed working with the CCTV unit. But she denied it was a waste of valuable police resources.

“These are necessary staffing levels for the job these officers were required to do,” she said sheepishly. “It’s not just a case of having a driver and a cameraman in the CCTV van; you also need a director, a lighting engineer, a runner and a grip – whatever one of those is.

“That’s all six east Hampshire officers. We couldn’t stretch to an editor or costumier, so have been forced to make do. Residents should be grateful that the officers they have within their community are so multi-skilled. They might not catch many criminals but when they are captured on film, the lighting and production techniques are second to none.”

No light at end of tunnel furore

Outraged people with nothing to fill their day have been upset by being unable to purchase something they can get for free in a few weeks.

Residents living near the soon-to-be-opened Hindhead tunnel are disgusted – nay outraged! – that they are unable to buy tickets to walk through the tunnel this Saturday.

The £271m project, which opens this summer, opens for one day only on May 14, to allow members of the public to walk through. But health and safety concerns mean only one person will be allowed through every half-hour and this has sparked outrage among local residents who have been unable to claim a place among the lucky few.

Threats have even been made to tunnel staff, with one man being told: “I’m going to yell something rude at you on Saturday.”

The Hindhead Engineering Long-hole Project Users Society (HELP US) is an association consisting of eight agencies who are involved in, or who have an interest in the A3 tunnel project and they have been receiving huge numbers of complaints from people with nothing better to do.

Sue Icidal, chairman of the group, has been dealing with the outraged members of the public.

She said: “Don’t they have better things to concern themselves with? I mean, in a couple of weeks they can drive through the damned thing for free!”

The 4,000 tickets available online sold out far faster than the Hindhead team had expected, with people waiting hours on their computers while porn sites loaded in the background as they attempted to fill their long and lifeless days.

Cam Payne, the president of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), had not been aware of an issue – but is now equally outraged.

He said: “I wasn’t aware of an issue previously but this is just the sort of thing I like to get upset about – something that to an outsider looks like a complete waste of time, effort and emotion. I’ve already prepared a placard and am happy to travel anywhere to protest this or any other thing.”

A spokesman for contractor Big Tunnels R Us said: “Are they serious?”

And in other news in this week’s Petersfield Proust:

• A photographer claims aliens ruined his pictures; and
• A man is inconvenienced in a car park

No Mourning Clampers

Sundance Security gunning for ya.

A ban on wheel-clamping has been welcomed by the Petersfield protest group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS).

Legislation to be introduced in November will result in anyone clamping a vehicle or towing it away on private land facing tougher penalties, the government has said.

And the move has delighted campaigners in Petersfield.

Cam Payne, the founder member of PRATS, said: “This is not something we have been campaigning against and it is great that it has been brought to our attention in time for us to contact a local newspaper in order to be pictured celebrating.

“It’s particularly encouraging in a town like Petersfield where an increasingly aging population often pause to capture their breath only to find their leg has been clamped by an unscrupulous security guard.

“For example, there is a jeweller in town where if people spend too long browsing the window, they will be clamped and towed away to the 99p Store.”

However, critics of the plans fear drivers could exploit the move by parking without thought on other people’s property.

Jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress said: “This legislation will allow for more window shopping which does not pay the bills. Clamping old people and charging them £80 to be released does pay the bills, however. This is just a fact of life and such legislation does is not worthy of the Tory government most of us in Petersfield wanted.”

Regional and local transport minister Norman Baker said “cowboy clampers” had had “ample opportunity to mend their ways but the cases of bullying and extortion persisted”, arguing that rules governing parking on private land needed to be “proportionate”.

But Butch Cassidy of Sundance Security denied that wheel clampers were cowboys.

“Yeehaa!,” he said. “Ya’ll just tryin’ ‘a make a livin’…

“People should just get off their high horse and drink their milk…”

Council ruling stuns Petersfield resident

Protesters gather outside St Peter's Church

A Petersfield man fears he will be run out of town if Hampshire County Council (HCC) has its way.

Andy Board, of Tilmore Road, says he has received unprecedented and unwarranted abuse since HCC stated that A Boards were to be banned from Petersfield streets.

Mr Board said: “Since that ruling I’ve been unable to go out until after dark – and even then in disguise. For the first two days I didn’t dare venture out of the house.

“In the end I had to risk the wrath of the council because I was out of all the staples of everyday food.

“I simply don’t understand why they have decided to pick on me and my family.”

The ruling, reported widely in the local media in the absence of any election stories, has also been responsible for the cancellation of a visit to Petersfield by the former Australian cricket captain Alan Border.

A spokesman for the Australian cricket board said: “We’re stunned that a small market town in East Hampshire could refuse to allow one of the world’s greatest cricketers to walk their streets.

“What has he done to deserve that … apart from hitting English bowlers to all four corners of the circular globe?”

An HCC spokesman insisted that everybody had jumped to the wrong conclusion.

He said: “Everybody appears confused by recent events. What we wanted to remove from the streets is ‘A broad’ who stands by the statue in the square on Friday and Saturday nights touting for business.

"Her presence there is most unwelcome and has proved a health and safety distraction for many people of impaired eyesight.”

But despite that clarification, not all of the town’s residents were happy.

Cam Payne, the founder member of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes the council have still gone to far.

“This ban may well damage the local economy,” he insisted.

“One only has to look to Norfolk to see how vital the broads there are to the tourism industry. Driving them out of Petersfield could cause irreparable damage to the economy – but it will give me something to get my teeth into, so to speak…”

The new MP for East Hampshire, Julian Hindsight, said succinctly: “What the **** is happening to this once-proud country of ours?”