Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

No Mourning Clampers

Sundance Security gunning for ya.

A ban on wheel-clamping has been welcomed by the Petersfield protest group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS).

Legislation to be introduced in November will result in anyone clamping a vehicle or towing it away on private land facing tougher penalties, the government has said.

And the move has delighted campaigners in Petersfield.

Cam Payne, the founder member of PRATS, said: “This is not something we have been campaigning against and it is great that it has been brought to our attention in time for us to contact a local newspaper in order to be pictured celebrating.

“It’s particularly encouraging in a town like Petersfield where an increasingly aging population often pause to capture their breath only to find their leg has been clamped by an unscrupulous security guard.

“For example, there is a jeweller in town where if people spend too long browsing the window, they will be clamped and towed away to the 99p Store.”

However, critics of the plans fear drivers could exploit the move by parking without thought on other people’s property.

Jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress said: “This legislation will allow for more window shopping which does not pay the bills. Clamping old people and charging them £80 to be released does pay the bills, however. This is just a fact of life and such legislation does is not worthy of the Tory government most of us in Petersfield wanted.”

Regional and local transport minister Norman Baker said “cowboy clampers” had had “ample opportunity to mend their ways but the cases of bullying and extortion persisted”, arguing that rules governing parking on private land needed to be “proportionate”.

But Butch Cassidy of Sundance Security denied that wheel clampers were cowboys.

“Yeehaa!,” he said. “Ya’ll just tryin’ ‘a make a livin’…

“People should just get off their high horse and drink their milk…”

The car’s the star

Motorisation Day could really be a hit

Traders have announced plans to stage a Motorisation Day in the centre of Petersfield.

Over the weekend of September 11 and 12, ONLY people driving cars, vans, lorries and possibly motorcycles will be allowed to use the Square and the High Street. Pedestrians will be banned.

“We want to use the weekend to show people how great it would be if those pesky pedestrians weren’t wandering about all over the roads and pavements,” said jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress.

“It will be fantastic! Without people cluttering up the streets motorists will be able to drive up the High Street much faster. We’re thinking of applying for a relaxation of the speed limit up to 80 miles per hour – after all it’s a very straight wide road, especially if you include the pavements.

“We believe this move will attract motorists from all over the area as it will make our town centre uniquely attractive to drivers. Who will want to drive to Chichester with their dull old walking-speed precinct if they can drive round our roads completely unrestricted?

“And we won’t need any car parks because you won’t have to get out of your car – it’s genius!”

Many traders are already planning to widen their doorways to allow access to motor vehicles, while others are planning to simply have drive-by service windows for the weekend.

Mr Tress commented “I’m going to be the first drive-through jeweller in Hampshire – that’s got to be good. It’s another first for Petersfield.”