Mitre been more careful

If you look closely you can just make out that Bishop X

has flicked screens from the Order of Service to the Newswire site 

A popular Church of England Bishop has been demitred after being spotted surfing a Petersfield website on his Episcopal laptop during the wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate Middleton yesterday.

The high-ranking clergyman who for legal reasons needs to be referred to as Bishop X, has said he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his actions, but hopes the Church can find it within itself to forgive him.

Bishop X went on to explain that the Newswire website had recently had an explosion in popularity and he could not resist logging on to see the latest news.

The Bishop was spotted looking at the internet site when an estimated 230 million viewers were watching him deliver a blessing to the happy couple. Many eagle-eyed viewers saw him looking at the increasingly popular website during the wedding rather than the Order of Service.

Bishop X provided fellow clergymen with evidence of the site’s popularity (see below), saying that he was addicted to it and couldn’t refrain from checking out the latest stories.

Bishop X's hard evidence 

The Bishop had persuaded Church of England officials to let him use a laptop rather than a standard Order of Service and that temptation had clearly proved too great.

Bishop X told us: “Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting, Daniel c.5 v.27.”

We asked him what this meant and he told us he wasn’t sure.

Party Poppers for Party Poopers

Petersfield has been the scene of huge confusion that has seemingly deterred many from throwing street parties to celebrate the imminent royal wedding.
 
The residents of the South Downs National Park town are renowned up and down the land for popping open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot or six at the drop of a top hat, but East Hants District Council (EHDC) has confirmed that no-one wants to party to celebrate William and Kate's nuptials.

 Not much of a bang for Wills and Kate

A headline in the Petersfield Proust indicated that following an edict by EHDC, party poppers would cost £21, and this appears to have deterred many from wanting to join in on the day.

Annie Hicks-Kews, a self-declared royalist who always likes to let her hair down explained why there was such a level of disinterest.

“It's all down to the party poppers thing dahling,” she said. “It’s a bit like Christmas crackers; you wouldn’t be seen dead pulling a Christmas cracker which had come from a box costing less than say £60.

“Fortnum’s do reasonable Crimbo crackers and you can always fall back on Harrods if you are completely stuck, but the branding is the key.
 
“With the party poppers, I can't bear to think what sort of cheap tack these are going to be if they only cost £21? Will they be from that cheap Norwegian shop? Widdle, or whatever it's called.

“And of course it has a knock-on effect: if the price is too low, the standard of hors d’oeuvres and crudités will inevitably drop. Then before you know where you are, you’re drinking second-rate champers and every oik in the street would be wanting to join in.

“It simply won’t do.”

No china crisis in Petersfield

Royal wedding souvenirs come in all shapes and sizes

- but here one size fits all

A grovelling Petersfield businesswoman has come up with a unique souvenir for the forthcoming royal wedding between Princess William and some common woman called Katie Price.

Mrs Gabby Simpering-Subject has designed a ceramic forelock, which purchasers can tug with impunity before, during and after the upper-crust nuptials.

“Everyone I know is delighted about the royal wedding and has chattered of nothing else for months,” she wittered.

“I can’t think of a better tribute than a forelock because not only can we tug it to show our undying respect we can keep it for posterity because it will always remind us just what simpletons we are.

“We’ll be able to look back and recall how we were all cheered up by watching some rich folk fritter away millions of pounds on a pointless ceremony simply to rub our noses in it during the biggest economic recession in living memory…”

Mrs Simpering-Subject added: “I once stood behind someone in a queue at Stansted airport who knew the cousin of a lady-in-waiting who poop-scooped for the royal corgis - and she was the loveliest person you could ever meet.”

The oven-blasted forelocks will be available from Long May She Reign Over Us Ceramics for £2,500 each – all proceeds will be used to sponsor cheap plastic union jacks to be handed out to anyone who can no longer afford one to wave at the big event on April 29.

NB: UK media rules insist we advise you that other things to do on April 29 are available

Worlds Apart

The helmet that is looking to take over Petersfield

  

Newswire has received pictures throughout the year from some of its adoring fans, capturing the far-flung places from which they have logged on to catch up on events back in Petersfield.

Some show readers logging on in Ulan Bator, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and even Liverpool, although that reader did latterly have his laptop stolen.

But there was absolutely no contest for our 2010 winner, who managed to log on to the lunar version of our website whilst walking on the moon.

Our congratulations go to a local property developer, who treated himself to a journey into space with some of the profits he has made over the last couple of years.

He said: "It's simple, you take over a pub that isn't doing too well, close it down, if necessary make it into an eyesore and then get planning permission to turn the building into 50 or so flats.

"There is no limit to the amount of profit you can reap this way, providing you don't mind making yourself a little bit unpopular. As they say kids, Infinity and beyond!"

That was the year that was

In traditional 'we-can't-be-arsed-to-find-any-real-news' tabloid-style journalism, here our 14-year-old work-experience public schoolboy compiles a reminder of the things brought to you by Petersfield Newswire during 2010.

Let's call it 20/10 vision ... for want of a better phrase.

Happy new year to all our reader(s).

In January we told you how the entire world was cut off from Petersfield because of a bit of snow.

February saw some new categories announced in the 2010 Petersfield in Bloom competition.

In March, a plethora of planning applications threatened to turn Petersfield into the Manhattan of the south ... and more importantly endangered the ladder against the tree in the Causeway.

As election fever started to hit Petersfield in April, one local candidate claimed Chapel Street was becoming like "a northern Chav estate..."

Petersfield was revealed as a crime 'hot-spot' in May, while in June the Petersfield Proust upset readers with its expose of a drugs factory at Bojangles School.

The requisite qualifications for a town traffic warden were announced in July, while plans for a Petersfield motorisation day were announced in August.

September saw the first alternative best in Petersfield awards, while in October, the much-criticised Post Office inaugurated an innovative, multi-tiered queuing system.

In one of 12 slow-news months, November saw the long-awaited announcement from Prince William and Kate Middleton that they would be unable to marry in Petersfield.

And finally, Santa fell foul of The White Hart's new parking restrictions in December as the ghost of profiteering present made an unwelcome appearance.

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.