The Alternative Best in Petersfield awards were announced today at an event cancelled by East Hampshire District Council.
Spoilsport of the Year – sponsored by voters: East Hampshire District Council, for its pettiness over the popular festivities’ series
Moaner of the Year – sponsored by the Big Issue seller: Jeweller Trevor Towner, for his incessant whinging about the potential pedestrianisation of the Square – and anything else which gets up his nose
Grower of the Year – who needs a sponsor man?: Bojangles School for its excellent cannabis crop
Uncontrollable leviathan of the Year – sponsored by a rival building company: Kebbell Homes for trying to squeeze another half-dozen homes on to a manhole cover
Services to roadside vomit – sponsored by longer opening hours: Netherregions’ Red Lion, for its cheap drink and 25/8 opening hours
Newspaper of the Year – sponsored by Leaf in Petersfield: The Petersfield Proust, for its remembrance of things past
Eyesore of the year – sponsored by Lithe in Petersfield: No not the bloke from the railways in the shiny suit, but the Market Inn and its boarded-up windows. Somebody do something with it for Gawd’s sake…
Most Impressive Still Life – sponsored by the Hubble Telescope: The Post Office queue – it can be seen from space you know!
The “we-all-used-to-hate-you-but-now-we-really-want-you-back-again” Award – sponsored by pedestrians: The town’s traffic warden
Irritant of the Year – sponsored by natural yoghurt: Mona and her “beeeeeeeeg eeessssssssssuuuuuuuu perleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase”. Ask nicely woman…
Inexplicably Popular Shop of the Year – sponsored by Woolworth: The 98p Shop… why, when you can get such better quality for a penny more at the 99p Store?
Restaurant of the Year – sponsored by Andrews Liver Salts: The first one to respond to firstname.lastname@example.org with a voucher for a meal for six
Website of the year – sponsored by Trite in Petersfield: Petersfield Newswire, for pricking the pomposity of Petersfield’s pretentious p…something
All nominations for extra awards should be sent to email@example.com