Council eases grave concerns in Petersfield

Grave matters indeed

East Hampshire County Council has been hailed for its “thinking outside the box” after solving two problems simultaneously.

Faced with a public outcry over the rising charges of cemetery plots and maintenance, the council’s problem-solving guru, ‘Smart’ Alec B’stard, contacted the roads and highways agency to ask about the costs of repairing loose paving stones and potholes.

B’stard explained: “There is only so much money in each pot – civic amenities and road maintenance – but together we could do so much more. So now we plan to bury people underneath loose paving slabs or in potholes.

“There is no need to engage the services of a gravedigger as the holes already exist – some of them large enough to accommodate a couple wishing to be buried together. And once they’re safely underground the dual maintenance subsidy is enough to chuck in a bit of extra asphalt or concrete every time there’s a cold snap and the holes start to reappear.”

The corpse of recently departed Arthur Pewty, formerly of Brian Close, Petersfield, said: “I was worrying about how my family would pay for my cemetery plot but this stroke of genius from the council has put my mind at rest. I can now head to the afterlife without any pecuniary fears.

“It’s a great example of thinking outside the box – which is something I can longer do…”

Internet bosses declare cyber war on EHDC

Thrilling stuff

Porn barons have joined forces with  Farcebook and Twatter bosses in a furious reaction to East Hampshire District Council’s decision to show council meetings live online.

“I’m furious!” declared Stevie Sleeze, marketing director for boobsonline. “How can we compete with that? It’s all right for them with their exciting debates about footpaths, bus-stops and environmental health licensing – but they’re paying for this internet dominance with taxpayers’ money.

“I mean they’re even talking about a live feed of the debate about dustbin collection times for goodness sake. All I can offer is ‘lusty milfs on bikes’ and ‘teenage vampires in thongs’ – who’s going to be interested in that now?

“It’s a disgrace! During a recession councils should be doing more to encourage entrepreneurs like me, not putting us out of business with their subsidised online excitement.”

Even Farcebook chief executive Marky Zukerberg-Friendslist took time out from tinkering with the format of nine billion users’ home pages and siphoning away the personal information of everyone on the planet to declare: “I’m seriously worried. If this thing takes off, we’re finished – look what happened to those losers at MySpace.”

And Twatter boss Mark ‘Elvis’ Costolo said: “I 8 ths, so unfr bit.lyurlehdc…”

Council don’t see big picture

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

 

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

 

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

 

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

 

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

 

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

 

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

All change to no change

Petersfield parking tokens

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has announced that it expects to earn an extra 30 pence per day when the increased car park tolls take effect on October 1.

The minimum price is set to rise from 90p to £1, in Petersfield’s largest two car parks* but the reality is that most paying car park users shove a pound coin in the slot anyway.

Waitrose shopper May Dermunny said: “I really can’t be bothered to scratch around for change and always pop a pound coin in the machine.”

Bell Hill old-timer Arthur Wrytiz chimed in: “The Waitrose car park takes small change right down to a 5p piece, but I find it takes me ages to feed a number of coins into the machine, especially when it spits half of them back out again.”

Ray Kittin, manager of EHDC’s ‘Unwanted Gold’ campaign, explained: “First of all we want to make it quite clear that we are only raising the prices to improve the parking experience for all Petersfield residents.

“We all know what it’s like to stand in the cold when an annoying old duffer is struggling with his or her small change, or some inconsiderate yummy mummy is taking the opportunity to show her precious Hermione how to feed small coins into the machine.

“From October, not only will the price of a two-hour stay rise from 90p to £1 but also only pound coins will be accepted. Actually that’s not strictly true, two pound coins will also be accepted, but no change given. And that’s in the 50 per cent of machines that are actually in working order at any given time.

“While we accept that we will not make much profit from this increase, with most people already paying a pound, the small profits we do make should pay for the new signage and adaptations to the machines by 2043.”

*The calculation of which are Petersfield’s largest car parks does not include the town itself, which is to all intents and purposes one big car park these days.

Petersfield's town-centre survey reveals stuff

An artist's impression of how the town centre will

look in 2012 with, left, and without investment

A survey among Petersfield residents to discover which businesses should fill vacant lots in the town has thrown up few surprises.

Top of the list was a ‘second Waitrose with parking only for 4x4s’ closely followed by Barbour. ‘A Porsche dealership’ was third, while Primark had support from only one per cent of those surveyed coming out of Waitrose. Fortnum & Mason was another popular choice among the middle-aged.

Major Hold-Ups, a retired army veteran who now works for the Highways Agency, threw his weight behind an ‘Army Recruiting Office’.

“That’d sort ‘em out,” he blustered. “Oh, and an S&M club. Not much by way of that around here currently.”

A surprising number of people surveyed coming out of the 99p Store said they would welcome a 98p Shop as “times were hard”.

Teenagers admitted they preferred to shop “anywhere rather than Petersfield” and their most popular shops were those used either by their peers or by some twat on TV.

A DIY store and garden centre is sadly lacking according to Charlie Dimmock and Tommy Walsh, who live at Titchmarsh, near Alton.

Dimmock said: “We believe the town would benefit from a water feature and some decking; but since Focus closed there’s simply nowhere to buy the essential pieces.” 

Other popular choices included coffee shops, ‘upmarket’ charity shops, a store when you can buy extended guarantees and a delicatessen specialising in sun-dried tomatoes.

East Hampshire Council, which conducted the survey, admitted that most of the answers had been predictable and that the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money.

A spokesman said: “Most of the answers were predictable and the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money. It didn’t matter what stores people want they’re not going to move into Petersfield town centre until the rents drop substantially. And that’s not going to happen all the time the landlords want to turn the properties into flats.

“Without some investment the town centre could become a ghost town – or a car park, and it’s well on its way to that as anybody visiting on a Sunday will tell you.”

Kyle be damned

A Havant resident causes havoc in Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square
when he gets hold of the remote

Petersfield town's residents' hopes of being able to watch the 2012 Olympics on a big screen look set to be dashed.

It had been hoped that the people of Petersfield would be able to enjoy the Olympics next year together, and in something of a carnival atmosphere, but this is now looking unlikely to happen.

In a recent meeting between East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) and Havant Borough Council (HBC) the possibility of sharing use of a large screen was discussed.

With the weekly cost of hiring a big screen in excess of £6000, sharing looked to be the only affordable option; but the problems of sharing a screen with Havant look insurmountable.

Jim Nastics, from EHDC, said: "The problem is that some of the main events such as the men’s 100 metres final and the opening ceremony clash with things they would want to watch in Havant, in these two specific cases... Jeremy Kyle.

 Leigh Park’s Duane Jenkins would love to have made it onto the big screen

“We have tried to come to some sort of compromise, but May Karfist, the chairman of HBC was quite insistent that Havant folk would definitely want to see their relatives or friends, should they feature in a show.

“My lot would not be happy if we paid out for a big screen only to miss a guest appearance by one of our more colourful characters. I’d ‘ave me windows put through or me Subaru torched.”

'Bored vandals' relish opportunity to preserve reputation

Trug of war: 'bored vandals' or a cottage industry?

A group of Petersfield youngsters have labelled an East Hants District Council (EHDC) spokesman ‘lazy’ and ‘clichéd’ after he described them as “bored vandals”.

The teenagers were shocked to see themselves described thus in last week’s Petersfield Proust by EHDC’s contract monitoring officer Greg Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square, after he claimed they had climbed an apple tree outside the library “so apples could be taken and used as missiles”.

But one of the youngsters, Grant Application, insisted Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square had merely jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Application said: “To describe us as ‘bored vandals’ is at best generalisation and at worst lazy and clichéd. Surely he could only state that as fact had he seen ‘bored vandals’ climb the tree.

“In fact this was a concerted effort by a group of determined home-made preserve activists to avoid wasting good apples.

“We may have dropped one or two as we loaded them into our trugs but the majority made it home with us and will return at the next food festival in various vastly overpriced jams and chutneys. Indeed this is the basis for my Duke of Edinburgh Award for preserve-making and naked capitalism.

“We were deeply hurt by the remark and if we ever see Mr Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square around town we will pelt him with jars of pumpkin relish.”

Hardly middle of the road

 A road just north of Leigh Park

Petersfield's Pulens Lane, despite being resurfaced, is still without road markings.

The road is used pretty much as a dual-carriageway by traffic travelling between Chichester and the A3 north of Petersfield.

At times the traffic on Pulens Lane can be quite heavy with motorcycles and white vans overtaking in both directions.

Without road markings the drivers could arguably be excused for thinking the road is indeed a dual-carriageway, whereas the speed limit is actually only 30mph.

Doug Gonnit, speaking on behalf of Hampshire County Council, defended the position. He said: "We will be painting lines on the road, but at present we have nobody qualified to carry out the task.

"Earlier this year we were forced to lay off Lionel de Rhodes; he was our expert and had applied the white paint for the last 25 years.

"We thought this would be a low-impact cut, saving money for the department, but we have since discovered that his was a very skilled and important role.

"One of de Rhodes' main tasks used to be ensuring the double yellow lines around town were kept well painted, but since these are no longer used we thought we could do without him."

Newswire has acquired a photo of the training area where de Rhodes’ successor is being put through his paces (see above) and it looks like it could be sometime before he is allowed out and about in Petersfield.

Petersfield in turmoil as 'mild inconvenience' takes hold

Contingency plans to deal with the 'working classes'

have been lost to budget cuts

Petersfield was yesterday thrown into chaos as East Hampshire District Council admitted it had no contingency plans to cover ‘mild inconvenience’.

The town came to a virtual standstill after a lightning strike hit a railway signal box and caused some ‘inconvenience’ involving delayed trains, temporary loss of phone lines for local homes and businesses and the catastrophic momentary increase in signal for the town’s O2 network users.

Residents were “in uproar” according to local scaremongerer, career demonstrator and media cliché user Cam Payne, of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS). He insisted at least two people of his acquaintance were “thrown into turmoil” and had to “come to terms” with being inconvenienced and blamed the local council.

However, a spokesman for the council, Nat Todowithme, rejected Payne’s claims, although he admitted the incident had highlighted a shortfall in contingency planning.

He said: “I have spoken to the telephonist at Pennpushers Place who has confirmed she received no calls from residents complaining they had no telephone connections. What’s more it’s naff all to do with us if they didn’t. Neither is it our fault that the trains were not running on time.

“At an emergency meeting last night, however, council officials did realise that there were no contingency plans in place to cope with a wide outbreak of ‘mild inconvenience’ in the Petersfield area. We have plans for flood, pestilence, famine, war, earthquake, fire and a shortfall of focaccia bread or sun-bleached tomatoes – but we were unable to instigate any plans for ‘mild inconvenience’.

“It would appear this may be owing to funding cutbacks which also did away with contingency plans for ‘invasion by the working classes’ sub-sections two (scaffolders) and four (telephone sanitisers) and ‘dealing with ethnic minorities’.

“Residents should rest assured, however, that they remain perfectly safe … unless of course those bastards from Labour ever get back in.”

Tory councillors join Lib-Dems to break promises

Two Tory councillors have defected ahead of the local elections after admitting: “If we have to break promises we may as well be Lib-Dems”.

East Hants District Council members Eileen Anyway and Donna Volte-Face explained: “It never occurred to us that in joining a right-wing party we would participate in a dictatorship. Nothing in history has indicated that possibility.

“This is not a democracy it’s a dictatorship. We made certain promises to rthe electorate and if we are unable to fulfil them we felt we should at least belong to the party that has no qualms about going back on election promises.

“Therefore we will proudly be wearing the yellow Lib-Dem rosette come the election in May. But being Lib-Dems, obviously we reserve the right to change our minds at short notice and stand for some other party altogether.”

The leader of the local Conservative party, Obersturmbannführer Ballhedge, insisted: “For them the election is over. How they can compare the council to a dictatorship is beyond me. I told them not to do it as well…”

Partying no longer black and white

Back in the days when you didn't have to pay to throw a party

East Hampshire District Council has labelled local people "party poopers" after none of them has paid for the council's Royal Wedding street party application form costing £21.

Angel D. Lite who heads the council's Department for Spoiling our Fun said: "We simply can't understand why people won't pay us lots of money for the privilege of filling in a form. Under the Government's Big Society plans, everybody should be filling in forms all the time, not just council officials between the hours of 9.30am and 4.30pm (3pm on Fridays)."

"We were so certain that everybody in the area would want these forms the councillors had planned to throw one belter of a party with the money we'd expected to raise. We'd even asked the Post Office how they deal with large queues so we could ignore their advice."

Without a properly filled-in form, the council will not permit any local resident to drink, play music, smile or laugh after dusk or indulge in any form of dancing. Special patrols will watch for unregulated gyrations and illegal rhythmic leg movement. Foot-tapping is a grey area.

Ms Lite said: "The Royal Wedding is the ideal time act on impulse and throw caution to the wind. We want to see spontaneous celebrations breaking out all over Petersfield, so long as we're given £21 and ten working days notice."

Petersfield's band stand-off

Petersfield councillors have strongly criticised a local man for daring to have an idea.

The man’s idea was to erect a bandstand in the town so families could enjoy live music together in the beautiful open air setting of Petersfield Heath.

Councillors immediately convened a meeting to thrash-out reasons why his idea is bad and recorded the following conclusions:

1. Only the council is permitted to have ideas.
2. Anybody who thinks they have an idea does not. It’s merely “a thought” which has to be submitted in triplicate to Pennywhistles Place before it can be converted into an idea and properly credited to the relevant municipal committee.
3. Sharing ideas in public only leads to enthusiasm.
4. Councillors have a public duty to dampen enthusiasm within five working days.

Councillor Rachel Prejudice explained to Petersfield Newswire the strict rules which govern these circumstances.

She said: "It is unacceptable for anybody in the area to have an idea let alone discuss it, openly, in public, with people. Coming up with ideas should be left to the professionals. 

"Take, for example, our imaginative decision to create the unmissably entertaining Partners magazine with your money, or our inspired purchase of wooden Christmas chalets which we now store at your cost.”

Maybe one of those will do as a bandstand...

Council sheds everything

A council employee illustrates how much extra cash

has been allocated to public services for 2011

Under unprecedented financial pressure, Petersfield’s local council has published a list of cuts it plans to make to public services. This isn't it:

1. Hundreds of unwanted wooden sheds, bought at great expense for the Christmas Festival a few years ago and now rotting in a lock-up off Bedford Road, will be converted into green burial caskets and leased to the dead on a timeshare basis. Hurry while stocks last.

2. Petersfield Library is to move into a converted wooden shed from East Hampshire District Council’s (EHDC) Christmas stockpile. The library will also be merged with the hearing-aid shop so half the customers will spend all day going "shussh" while the others reply "pardon?". Saves £6,000.

3. £22,000 cut from Residents Home Improvement grants. Future applicants will be given a wooden shed and told "stop moaning or we'll rehouse you in Havant".

4. Corners will be cut in Petersfield town centre as the Market Square is reduced by 25 per cent and renamed the Market Triangle. Planners recognise the kebab van will be unable to navigate the new 60 degree corners so EHDC has kindly offered the use of a replacement wooden shed.

5. £9,000 of cash put behind the bars of councillors' chosen pubs every year is to be withdrawn. The money was handed over to "ensure members of the public could use the pub toilets" like they can in, say, a pub. Instead it will be used for councillors’ tipples…

6. A fleet of limousines used to take every member of council staff to and from Overspennds Place, out to Monoloco for lunch and off to the pub to "use the lavatory" is to be replaced by sheds on wheels, driven by pixies.

A spokesman for the council said: "Don't blame me - you voted the buggers in!"

Churches may foot bill for 'illegal parking'

 Penny Pinching

East Hampshire District Council has hit upon a unique way of boosting its flagging finances – it’s started clamping illegally parked piles of snow in its car parks.

Penny Pinching, the council’s finance officer, explained: “At a hastily convened council meeting, a resolution was passed to treat piles of snow as we would any other illegally parked item.

“Admittedly the wheelclamps have had to be modified slightly but at £400 per day we believe that, across all our parks, we will soon have sufficient funds to send all our officers and councillors on a free ‘fact-finding mission’ to the Caribbean before any more snow falls.”

Ms Pinching accepted that the policy might be difficult to enforce but insisted the full force of civil law would be brought to bear on transgressors.

She added: “One might imagine that ownership of the snow might be difficult to substantiate, but if it has been piled up by an individual or corporation then that person or corporation is culpable and will be fined accordingly.

“And if ownership can not be proved in this realm then we will simply bill all the local churches, for if they believe in and worship God, then it is only right and proper they are prepared to pay His debts.

“The charges will accumulate on a daily basis because extensive research has shown us that towing away snow is like trying to nail water to a wall.”

The last maternity unit before Hindhead tunnel...

The creche at the new unit makes good use of the Best Burger Bar's outside catering facilities

The recent closure of the Grange Maternity Centre has forced Petersfield midwife Connie Traction to set up a birthing unit in a lay-by on the A3.

The ‘Best’ birthing unit shares a generator with the Best burger bar and is unique in offering instant coffee and a bacon burger to waiting fathers-to-be.

Traction said: “Fortunately the lay-by we’ve chosen is north of the Ham Barn roundabout. If it had been south of Petersfield there was always a chance people from the area would have refused to use us as they might not want Leigh Park shown as the ‘place of birth’.

“Because of the neighbouring burger bar, we’re never short of boiling water though the towels do tend to smell of fat.

“We’re proving particularly popular with teenage mums who are quite happy to give birth in a car in a lay-by as that’s how most of them conceived – and they’re only too happy to have their placenta served up as a side-dish with the ‘famous Best mushroom burger’, their first post-birth snack.”

A spokesman for the government said: “This is just the kind of entrepreneurial spirit we’re encouraging with David Cameron’s Big Society. And it follows on organically from the Tory ethos espoused by both Norman Tebbit and Iain Duncan Smith: if the maternity unit near you has closed down just get on your bike and find another – only in this case it’s a car.”

East Hampshire District Council is monitoring the situation carefully as, if it proves successful, they may extend the lay-by to enclose a library, a pull-in centre for the elderly and a CAT scanner using discarded all-in-one Canon printers and the headlights from a MkIII Cortina.

Residents tread carefully as anger becomes pride

Dominic Thirst's work has been shortlisted for the Turner Prize

Residents’ anger turned to pride in a village near Petersfield when they realised tyres they believed had been “dumped” were in fact a shortlisted entrant for the Turner Prize.

The Petersfield Proust reported that homeowners in Cockshott Lane, Froxfield, were “appalled” last Sunday morning to find more than 60 tyres dumped all along the lane.

Residents had complained that some of the tyres had “slashes across them and others were bald” suggesting they may not have been quite so “appalled” had they been new and usable.

One anonymous resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “It was absolutely awful. The whole lane was strewn with all these tyres and was completely blocked off to people looking to let their dogs have a shit.”

But following East Hampshire District Council’s assertion that “It’s a classic case of professional flytipping”, local artist Dominic Thirst admitted it was part of a modern art project entitled “Angry Residents”.

The Petersfield-based loon, famed for his contemporary and controversial art works including “half-a-sixpence suspended in TommySteeledahide”” and “unmade flatpack wardrobe”, said: “I spent hours setting up the tyres in an exact geometrical pattern only for interfering busybodies to come along, allow their dogs to piss on them and then complain to the local paper.

“They should be proud.”

One resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “We are so proud that Froxfield has been chosen to exhibit this masterful piece of work by one of the country’s leading young nut-jobs.”

Renowned art critic, snob and camp commentator Brian Sewell was unavailable for comment.

Happy birthday to us

Petersfield Newswire was one year old on Saturday.

Nobody put out bunting in the Square, nor did East Hampshire District Council fund a big-stage event in the town.

On the plus side, Mona the Big Issue seller did offer us a smile of congratulations as she said: “Beeeeeeeeeeeg Eeeeeeeeeeessssssssssshhhhheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssse…”

We don’t know why we bother – but we will continue for not other reason than we enjoy it.

Please do not hesitate to send your suggestions and birthday greetings through to us at stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk

Plans to go up in flames

A fire similar to one which will burn in the Square tomorrow (pic courtesy of Arthur Brown)

Anti-housing protesters are all set for a book-burning protest in Petersfield Square.

Following the lead of crazed nutcase Terry Jones, who is organising pyres for the Koran in America, some of those rich enough to be Petersfield homeowners have organised a pointless protest of their own.

"We’re aiming to build a bonfire using as many copies of East Hampshire District Council’s Core Strategy Document as we can find," said Mrs Barby Kew of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATs).

The conflagration stunt is aimed at stopping plans by the council and evil developers to build five tower blocks and seven sink estates in any available fields, plus gardens and lay-bys all around the town.

"If burning some of their prized documents won’t stop them, I don’t know what will," added Mrs Kew. "It’s got to be more effective than one group of fairy-tale believers setting fire to the sacred text of another group of fairy-tale believers."

But developers look set to hit back. Sir Bradley Screwem, chairman of Nazi Housebuilders PLC, said: "If these nimbys go ahead with this preposterous idea to try to stop the democratic process, we’ll just set fire to a few trees on Causeway Farm and torch the playing fields at Penns Place.

"That way there will be less to clear once we get on with the building."

Petersfield’s Tory MP, Damian Hindsight, took a few minutes away from slashing public services to comment: "What are these bloody people whinging about now?

‘We’ve put these plans out to the usual consultation process which, as everyone knows, means a few meetings and some public hand-wringing before we go ahead anyway…"

Petersfield awards recognise community stuff...

The Alternative Best in Petersfield awards were announced today at an event cancelled by East Hampshire District Council.

Spoilsport of the Year – sponsored by voters: East Hampshire District Council, for its pettiness over the popular festivities’ series

Moaner of the Year – sponsored by the Big Issue seller: Jeweller Trevor Towner, for his incessant whinging about the potential pedestrianisation of the Square – and anything else which gets up his nose

Grower of the Year – who needs a sponsor man?: Bojangles School for its excellent cannabis crop

Uncontrollable leviathan of the Year – sponsored by a rival building company: Kebbell Homes for trying to squeeze another half-dozen homes on to a manhole cover

Services to roadside vomit – sponsored by longer opening hours: Netherregions’ Red Lion, for its cheap drink and 25/8 opening hours

Newspaper of the Year – sponsored by Leaf in Petersfield: The Petersfield Proust, for its remembrance of things past

Eyesore of the year – sponsored by Lithe in Petersfield: No not the bloke from the railways in the shiny suit, but the Market Inn and its boarded-up windows. Somebody do something with it for Gawd’s sake…

Most Impressive Still Life – sponsored by the Hubble Telescope: The Post Office queue – it can be seen from space you know!

The “we-all-used-to-hate-you-but-now-we-really-want-you-back-again” Award – sponsored by pedestrians: The town’s traffic warden

Irritant of the Year – sponsored by natural yoghurt: Mona and her “beeeeeeeeg eeessssssssssuuuuuuuu perleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase”. Ask nicely woman…

Inexplicably Popular Shop of the Year – sponsored by Woolworth: The 98p Shop… why, when you can get such better quality for a penny more at the 99p Store?

Restaurant of the Year – sponsored by Andrews Liver Salts: The first one to respond to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk with a voucher for a meal for six

Website of the year – sponsored by Trite in Petersfield: Petersfield Newswire, for pricking the pomposity of Petersfield’s pretentious p…something

All nominations for extra awards should be sent to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk

Where the art is ... or was in this case

JMW Turner's preliminary sketch of the Grand Canal

was also painted over by council workmen in 1837

Bumbling council officials have unwittingly removed a piece of graffiti art sketched in Petersfield by a world-famous artist.

The artwork – a symbolic meditation on the tension between the younger and older generations in Petersfield – had been left untouched on a roadsign at the top of College Street for eight hours before East Hampshire District Council intervened last week.

Officials removed the sketch by notoriously secretive artist Banksy – whose works have sold for hundreds of thousands of pounds – after a local pensioner complained of vandalism.

The sketch, comprising the words “F**k off” in foot-high lettering and some abstract paint sploshes, covered the sign giving directions to the station.

A local resident, Brian Sewell, told the Petersfield Proust that he was devastated when he saw the sign being cleaned.

“I looked out the window and saw what they were doing, so I ran downstairs and I told them to stop,” he said. “But they insisted it did not suit the character of Petersfield."

Patrick Porridge, the leader of East Hampshire District Council, said the council removed all graffiti regardless of artistic value.

"In 1837 we removed a version of JMW Turner's Grand Canal from a hotel room in the coaching inn that is now Netherregions' Red Lion," he explained. "We have a zero-tolerance policy - there are no exceptions."

Speaking from a secret location, Banksy expressed his disappointment at the council’s decision.

“This was a deeply meaningful piece, with its faux-inept stylings expressing the trauma of being young, drunk, stupid and sexually frustrated in a small market town,” said Banksy. “The council’s staff are philistines, pure and simple."

However, art lovers can take comfort from the fact that Banksy’s other work in the town, a homage to the modernist writer Ritegay, remains visible on the wall of a house at the other end of College Street.