Petersfield in turmoil as 'mild inconvenience' takes hold

Contingency plans to deal with the 'working classes'

have been lost to budget cuts

Petersfield was yesterday thrown into chaos as East Hampshire District Council admitted it had no contingency plans to cover ‘mild inconvenience’.

The town came to a virtual standstill after a lightning strike hit a railway signal box and caused some ‘inconvenience’ involving delayed trains, temporary loss of phone lines for local homes and businesses and the catastrophic momentary increase in signal for the town’s O2 network users.

Residents were “in uproar” according to local scaremongerer, career demonstrator and media cliché user Cam Payne, of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS). He insisted at least two people of his acquaintance were “thrown into turmoil” and had to “come to terms” with being inconvenienced and blamed the local council.

However, a spokesman for the council, Nat Todowithme, rejected Payne’s claims, although he admitted the incident had highlighted a shortfall in contingency planning.

He said: “I have spoken to the telephonist at Pennpushers Place who has confirmed she received no calls from residents complaining they had no telephone connections. What’s more it’s naff all to do with us if they didn’t. Neither is it our fault that the trains were not running on time.

“At an emergency meeting last night, however, council officials did realise that there were no contingency plans in place to cope with a wide outbreak of ‘mild inconvenience’ in the Petersfield area. We have plans for flood, pestilence, famine, war, earthquake, fire and a shortfall of focaccia bread or sun-bleached tomatoes – but we were unable to instigate any plans for ‘mild inconvenience’.

“It would appear this may be owing to funding cutbacks which also did away with contingency plans for ‘invasion by the working classes’ sub-sections two (scaffolders) and four (telephone sanitisers) and ‘dealing with ethnic minorities’.

“Residents should rest assured, however, that they remain perfectly safe … unless of course those bastards from Labour ever get back in.”

Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

Whipping up support

The three parties trying to attract support

As polling day approaches, representatives of the three main parties are set to impress their values upon the people of Petersfield.

With esteemed and much-loved Michael Mates retiring from office, the East Hampshire voting battle is thought to be a tightly contested three horse race and each of the main parties is doing everything they can to sway the vote.

Elsie Withering-Slowly (Conservative) will be speaking from 18:30 at the library, where she will be covering some of the big issues including pensions and public transport.

Gladys Mildew (Labour) is to base herself at the hospital, just in case, and couldn’t remember what it was she was to be talking about when we interviewed her. So that should be a surprise for anyone attending, but she did confirm there would be biscuits available. She will be talking from 19:00.

Dizzy Plinarian (Liberal Democrat) has decided to hold her talks, or “shows” as she has described them at the rugby club.

Plinarian will be appearing at 21:00, 22:00 and 23:00 tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday and anyone wishing to attend who has not already purchased a ticket is out of luck, the performances were sold out days ago.

Plinarian told us “I will be giving demonstrations of the role of punishment in society, with the promise of follow up sessions if victory is forthcoming."

Old bag to become MP

A Tesco carrier bag looks set to become Petersfield’s Member of Parliament at the upcoming general election.

East Hants Tories have opted for the shopping utensil as their prospective parliamentary candidate following current long-time MP Michael Mates’ decision to retire.

"It seemed the obvious choice,’ said Tory spokeswoman Archie Pelago. "Let’s face it, we’re going to win by a landslide and Petersfield has elected a Conservative since shortly before the Roman invasion.

"What’s the point of wasting a decent candidate on a seat like this? Besides a Tesco bag represents all that we stand for – naked commercial greed, elimination of all competition, and cheap vodka for the masses to keep them cowed."

The Tesco carrier was up against a Waitrose ‘bag for life’ at the selection meeting but members decided that being a member of the John Lewis group made it ‘practically a communist’.

However, Tory leader David Cameron has insisted that the Tesco bag should be of a recyclable variety to fit with his green image.

The Liberal Democrats will let shoppers decide on their candidate by getting them to vote with green tokens in the three-way charity box in the Waitrose entranceway.

A Labour spokesman said "Oh what’s the point!?" and no-one from the British National Party was available for comment.

Petersfield poll shocker - residents "don't give a toss!"

Almost two thirds of Petersfield residents do not care about the opinions of their neighbours, an exclusive Petersfield Newswire survey has revealed.

In a shocking admission, 62 per cent of people polled admitted they did "not give a toss" about what other people thought.

Mori Rosencrantz, a specialist in interpreting data to suit the corporate entities that commission opinion polls, said: "This clearly illustrates that Petersfield residents are among the most insulated and opinionated people in the country.

"It would not be beyond the realms of possibility to say that the poll indicates a huge degree of intolerance of other people's beliefs and that Petersfield is not the ideal place to choose to live if you are a member of a minority group, such as Al Qaeda or the Labour Party.

"I am also prepared to go on record as saying that it indicates a high degree of smoking if we are being paid by the tobacco lobby."

*This week's poll will appear tomorrow and will be about something else we can mis-interpret. 

SMALL PRINT: The Amble poll surveyed the views of several people, some of them (possibly) more than once and not all of them from Petersfield.