Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

Petersfield to go it alone

With the British government becoming a rudderless ship following the general election Petersfield residents are taking matters into their own hands.

Local politicos are attempting to take advantage of the chaos in Westminster and establish the Hampshire town as a self-governing state.

Cam Payne, the official busybody from Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS), said: “No one in government seems to know what to do at the moment and it’s not good enough.

"One thing we’re not short of in Petersfield is people who know how things should be done so it makes perfect sense that if Westminster can’t govern us we should do it ourselves.

“I don’t think anyone in Petersfield has voted anything other than Tory for the last 700 years, I know I haven’t. It would be ridiculous for us to live under a sherbet Lib-Lab coalition so we’re setting up our own system.

“Our new Con-Con coalition will ensure Petersfield gets the preferential treatment it deserves and we PRATS are ideally placed to facilitate it. This is just the sort of thing we like to be outraged by. ”

A government spokesman, representing no particular party, government, region or country, said: “Well Con-Con just about sums it up and there’s not a single pro among them.”

*To become a PRAT or to find out more information about Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS) contact info@pratsonline.co.uk

Tories offer Petersfield residents chance to save a public sector worker

New MP Julian Hindsight still attended

his normal Friday appointment this morning

East Hampshire has voted to type and elected one of many faceless Tories to butcher our public services - but there is hope for saving the job of one local public servant.

The green token system operated for Wait-lose shoppers is being dramatically upgraded from its usual role of helping out local toy libraries and dog charities. Instead shoppers will be able to vote with their tokens to save the job of up to ONE essential local worker - choosing between a nurse, a teacher, or a dustman.

New Tory MP Julian 'Mack the Knife' Hindsight has joined forces with the upmarket supermarket to show that he "really does care" about his new constituents.

"We promised to bring democracy closer to home and this green token ballot does just that," he said.

"It will give people a chance to save one local person's job - that's real democracy and shows up all those lies about the Conservatives not caring about local services.

"Of course we'll be closing all the local schools and hospitals, and slashing all council services so we can cut taxes for the rich – but those who want to hold up our efficiency drive can, if they so wish, take part in this scheme."

Voting starts today - if anyone has any money left to spend at the supermarket.

Asked which way he would be voting, Mr Hindsight said: "Probably the dustman - my children go to private school and I've got private health insurance..."

Tory in poll position

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher before the change

One of the Tory faithful, set to be pounding Petersfield’s streets ahead of the national election, is to have his name changed by deed poll.

Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher told us: “These are important and desperate times and I will do anything I can to help Damian Heinz and the Conservative Party”.

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher explained: “Over the years a few of my party colleagues have passed the occasional comment about my name, a joke here, a sly dig there and I have always taken it on the chin. My name was given to me by my family and I am tremendously proud of my heritage.

“That said, this year I will be visiting the homes of hundreds of voters and it has been suggested that whilst I look the part, my name could be an embarrassment and a vote loser.”

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher did look rather doleful as he told us his story; any decision to change his name has clearly not been easy.

The Tory went on: “Any way the paperwork has been completed and the deed has literally been done. From Thursday I will no longer be Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher, I will henceforth simply be known as Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher. No more ruddy Fred.

“Hurrah and hussar.”