Thursday, April 29, 2010

Petersfield radio listeners dealt a blow

Stunned radio listeners in Petersfield yesterday 
Plans to close Petersfield's radio station and replace it with an equally bad one from Basingstoke have stunned local radio listeners and normal people.

Delta Radio, whose slogan is "It May Be Crap, But It's Local Crap", has built a loyal following for playing the same 47 songs in a different order every day, its popular competition "the lost will-to-live" and its pre-recorded bulletins of the latest breaking news.

In an emotional message to listeners, DJ Mike Fader said: "It's terribly sad that Delta is closing, and we'll find out exactly how sad after this..."
There then followed six minutes of advertisements for carpet shops near Alton.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Park to push up Petersfield house prices

A view across Butser Hill earlier today,
before the builders moved in

Petersfield estate agents say house prices could rise by as much as 15 per cent as a result of the area gaining National Park status - and the answer, they say, is to build more houses.

Simon Sneer of estate agents Sellit & Rest told Petersfield Newswire: "It is clear to anybody with an estate agent's brain that the only way to rebalance the market is to increase supply.

"We have identified prime land just off the A3 which offers breathtaking views of the South Downs and could accommodate 400 ugly houses, crammed into stupidly narrow roads and all with those silly little windows you get these days. It's called Butser Hill."

A spokesman for the campaign group Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS) added: "This is just the sort of thing we like to get indignant about. And what's more normal people may even agree with us on this one.

"It's a very exciting time to be a PRAT."

Monday, April 26, 2010

Tory in poll position

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher before the change

One of the Tory faithful, set to be pounding Petersfield’s streets ahead of the national election, is to have his name changed by deed poll.

Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher told us: “These are important and desperate times and I will do anything I can to help Damian Heinz and the Conservative Party”.

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher explained: “Over the years a few of my party colleagues have passed the occasional comment about my name, a joke here, a sly dig there and I have always taken it on the chin. My name was given to me by my family and I am tremendously proud of my heritage.

“That said, this year I will be visiting the homes of hundreds of voters and it has been suggested that whilst I look the part, my name could be an embarrassment and a vote loser.”

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher did look rather doleful as he told us his story; any decision to change his name has clearly not been easy.

The Tory went on: “Any way the paperwork has been completed and the deed has literally been done. From Thursday I will no longer be Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher, I will henceforth simply be known as Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher. No more ruddy Fred.

“Hurrah and hussar.”

Friday, April 23, 2010

Petersfield just "too northern" insists candidate

The Greggs pie factory in Chapel Street,
with Emergency Ambulance parked outside

East Hampshire’s Keep Our Country Southern (KOCS) party candidate, Helen Hywater, has slammed the appearance of Petersfield’s Chapel Street claiming it resembles a “northern Chav estate”.

Ms Hywater, who left the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) because she “couldn’t believe in a party which encouraged voters to drift off to sleep”, believes residents of Petersfield are horrified at the recent change in the town centre thoroughfare.

She said: “Nowhere in the country has the economic downturn had such a dramatic effect as in Petersfield’s Chapel Street.

“Where once there were nick-nack stores and independent traders we have two turf accountants, a Poppins and, now, the final straw, a Greggs pie factory. You might as well be in down-town Barnsley. It’s simply not acceptable.

“Even the little hair-stylists co-operative at the northern end of the street has been infiltrated by a couple of common barber’s shops. This is East Hampshire, not Yorkshire or Merseyside.

“The last bastion of southernism in Chapel Street is now the gent’s outfitter which stocks all those clothes nobody will ever need. That’s what the south – and specifically towns like Petersfield – are renowned for.”

She ranted: “If I get elected I will ensure that no further northern influence is allowed in our towns and villages. If we don’t call a halt to it now we’ll soon have mills, factories and call centres springing up all over the place.

“The young people of Petersfield are easily influenced and the influx of northern habits, such as eating meat-and-potato pies, gurning and forcing unborn children to work up the chimney, must be eradicated.

“A vote for KOCS will ensure the south stays southern.”

Well-known northern espionage agent and local tattooist Stan Dupp responded by saying: “If t’lass gets in t’hell will freeze over…” – just before a volcano erupted in Iceland.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

‘Braveheart’ candidate launches election campaign

Braveheart candidate Jocky McJock insists
he is not a stereotype Scot

The Scottish National Party is to field a candidate in Petersfield for the first time in the coming general election – and says “only English arrogance” can stop a Braveheart victory.

Compulsory kilt-wearing, the addition of deep-fried Mars bars to every chip shop menu, and enforced supporting of “anyone but England” in the World Cup are high on the agenda for candidate Jocky McJock.

“Why should we be restricted to standing only in Scottish seats?” asked McJock. “It’s just typical of the English to try and keep us out; it’s been going on for centuries.

“We demand the right for Scottish voices to be heard - especially when whinging on about what a harsh deal we get from trailing along on England’s coat-tails.

“We may already get free care for the elderly, free university education and free prescriptions in Scotland, while the English pay through the nose to subsidise us, but you owe us for hundreds of years of treating us like unintelligible (caber) tossers.”

He then rambled on for hours during which the only discernible words were “Culloden”, “Bannockburn”, “English bastards”, “Mel Gibson” and “North Sea oil”.

McJock also claimed to be the “local” candidate as he has lived all his life in East Hampshire - although he pointed out his grandfather was half-Scottish, he has taken at least three caravan holidays in the Highlands, and always wears a Scotland shirt whenever watching their rugby or football matches on TV.

A passing voter commented: “Sounds like a complete Celt to me…”

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Anger erupts over volcano disruption

Anna D'Venture is struggling to cope,
stuck as she is in the Maldives

Up to several Petersfield families are stuck abroad as a result of the Effyoffyukkipuffi volcano which is in the north somewhere and therefore an enemy to the south.

Speaking from the Maldives, local drama queen Anna D'Venture gave Petersfield Newswire a personal insight into her ordeal.

She said: "It's a total nightmare. We have no idea when we'll be able to leave this dreadful place we paid thousands of pounds to holiday in. We only booked a one-week break, taking sea-plane transfers to this all-inclusive idyllic island retreat and staying in a luxury water bungalow.

"Now we've been stuck here for over a fortnight and there's no end in sight. Pass the oysters darling."

Meanwhile distraught Petersfield children continue to endure an agonising wait in places like Jamaica, Goa, Kuala Lumpar, Kenya and DisneyWorld when they should be in local schools preparing to fail their exams.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Who most deserves a makeover

Last year's winner who ran over Elsie Flatfoot's cat Winky

Do you know someone who is deserving of a makeover from a national award winning salon?

Newswire has teamed up with Preview Hairdressing in Petersfield to offer the winner of this competition a completely new look.

We are looking to hear the stories of people around East Hampshire who you feel deserve to spend a day in the Preview Salon.

Perhaps they have hurled abuse at you in the street, had an affair with your husband, scratched your car or may be play loud music regularly into the small hours. Whatever it is they’ve done to antagonise you we’ve got just the thing for them.

So if you think you know someone who deserves a renowned Preview makeover, let us know with details of what it is they have done.

The winner will be announced at the end of April.

Friday, April 16, 2010

More Miaow Miaow nonsense

A decision is needed on the way forward

Hand-wringing and talking complete b******s will be the order of the day at a public meeting called to discuss the threat of ‘legal high’ Miaow Miaow.

The gathering at The Old Dumb on April 22 will be completely ignored by all teenagers, who couldn’t give a toss about the growing crisis over mephedrone - the plant food turned scourge of the nation.

But organiser Dudley Dogooder said: “We’ve called this meeting as a matter of urgency to settle on a proper nickname for the drug.

“If we’re going to fight this threat to society we need to know what it’s called – whether it’s M, cat, M-cat, or Miaow Miaow. For God’s sake one local paper even referred to it as Meow Meow – if journalists can’t even spell it, what chance is there for the rest of us?”

He added for good measure: “This is also a great chance for those of us who know absolutely nothing about it to make ill-informed knee-jerk complaints about the way young people behave these days.

“I’d never heard of this carpet cleaning drug until a few days ago and I don’t know anything about it - but obviously it should be banned.”

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's a jungle out there

Carl Key-Shorts on The Heath

Petersfield has been the scene of violent attacks this week, with blood being spilt in both Chapel Street and on The Heath.

Townsfolk have boarded up their doors and windows, ordered pate and asparagus on the internet and stocked up on Pinot Grigio, for fear of venturing out onto the once tranquil streets.

Sparking this panic was a sparrowhawk, filmed dismembering a pigeon in Chapel Street. A local newspaper, anxious to draw the spectacle to the public’s attention, published the x-rated images.

The glorification of violence aside, the real puzzle is why a sparrowhawk would be forced to hunt in Petersfield’s busy streets, deserting its normally safe, native woodland habitat.

Possibly, under the cover of numerous illegally parked cars, the bird could hunt without being spotted, but this theory doesn’t wash with Carl Key-Shorts, Petersfield’s answer to Indiana Jones.

Shorts told us: “The answer is clear; there is a more savage predator at large, something has forced the sparrowhawk out of the woods, something considerably more terrifying that the bird of prey could not compete with”.

Then a mass of feathers was spotted by Val Webbedfeet who was walking across The Heath last week. “You should have seen the carnage” she told us, “there were loads of feathers and blood all over the place, and a large severed foot, they were all fresh. The attack must have happened on Friday morning, or Thursday, or Wednesday, or possibly Tuesday or Monday come to think of it.

“Can you ask your readers if anyone wants to buy a pillow?”

With the exact date of the attack pinned down, and the latter victim thought to be a swan, attention has now firmly switched to the beast of The Heath that may be set to terrorise this normally peaceful and bird-loving community.

We turned to Shorts; who, although possibly one jeep short of a safari, claims to be our resident expert. “I have studied the scene of the attack, the remains of the swan, the bite radius on the foot and a few other clues that I won’t bore you with, and what we have here is a tiger!

We tried to contact Colnel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton, who will surely come to the town’s aid, but his wife Buffy Bufton-Tufton confirmed he had already set off on the back of an elephant in search of the creature.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Layabout training for teenagers

Two drunks in a pub garden

Late night shouting, swearing, non-stop smoking and general drunkenness will be the order of the day outside the new home for Petersfield's teenage club, the King's Barn.

The youngsters will almost certainly behave themselves impeccably - but the siting of the after-school club in a former cheapo clothes shop in Chapel Street means they will get front-row seats for viewing the alcohol-fuelled antics outside the area's least classy pub, The Old Dumb.

Without traffic wardens this drunk can stay here for hours
The move was defended by youth worker Dudley Dogooder who said: 'Seeing some of the lowlife stagger out of The Old Dumb will be enough to make many of the teenagers teetotal - the abuse that will rain down on them as they make their way home will certainly be a lesson in life.

 'No-one likes walking past this sorry excuse for a pub, and the sooner they get used to avoiding it by sneaking out the back or taking a circuitous route home the better. Everyone else has to!'

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Brush with fame

The Leonard's dad Vinci

Unprecedented media attention has focused upon Vince Painter of Brushes Road, Petersfield since the art world has acclaimed one of his sketches a masterpiece.

Leonard Painter, Vince Painter’s son, told us: “This is absolutely incredible; we thought my dad was a complete waster, but this sketch he did of my sister, Cassandra, is supposed to be worth millions, we are all gobsmacked”

Images of the sketch, signed “Leonard’s dad Vinci” have been viewed across the globe, with requests to loan or purchase the picture pouring in to Mr Painter.

Leonard Painter was as surprised as anyone about the attention, saying: “I don’t understand it; I lost my job doing the road markings for the council, and only took up sketching as a hobby. I don’t even think it’s a very good likeness.

“Can you also please note that I have never been to Italy, let alone being born in Florence. There seems to be some misreporting going on.”

We asked the council if they wanted to comment on making Mr Painter redundant, when he is clearly such a talented man. One official who asked to remain nameless said: “You wouldn’t be asking the question if you’d seen the wonky lines he used to paint on the local roads – they’re no work of art I can tell you”.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Pompey melt down

With Petersfield being a renowned stronghold for Pompey fans, Avram Grant has pledged that the FA Cup will be paraded around the streets of the town, should his team overcome Chelsea in the final.

Grant told us: “The administrators of the club are adamant that absolutely all costs are kept to a minimum, but thankfully, the club has been promised free use of an open-top bus so the parade would definitely go ahead.

“One potential problem is that a slow-moving bus, stopping occasionally for photographs, can attract parking fines, at least we know this can’t happen in Petersfield.”

With no traffic warden and with cars and vans parked very badly all around the centre of Petersfield, any bus trying to make its way around town will inevitably struggle to get above walking pace and frequently grind to a halt.

We also spoke to Portsmouth administrator Andrew Andronikou who told us in confidence: “After Petersfield we may head to Leigh Park, where the trophy could so very easily be stolen from the bus.” Andronikou winks….

“Can you imagine how much all that silver would be worth if the cup was melted down?”

Friday, April 09, 2010

PTC sanction huge erection

South Downs National Park erection is touched up

Petersfield’s Broadway Park Caravan Site follows the example set by Basildon in Essex by commissioning its own Hollywood-style sign.

Denise R Nockin speaking on behalf of Petersfield Town Council (PTC) said: “Earlier in the week it was announced that we were hoping to bring some megastars to Broadway and we want to do everything in our power to ensure that this project is a success.

“Everyone saw how Basildon hit the headlines recently by erecting a Hollywood style sign and we thought this would be a fantastic way to advertise events and attract customers.”

Caravan park owner Ivor Towbar added: “Drivers heading north on the A3 will see the huge sign on their right as the cross the South Downs; this will conjure up images of Broadway stars. The likes of Julia Roberts, Dustin Hoffman, Leonardo DiCaprio and perhaps some of those we have been able to attract to our own Broadway, including possibly Dominic Brunt from Emmerdale.

“The Basildon project was quoted as costing £400,000 but as I’m sure you will appreciate, our Broadway sign is far more imposing, so I am reluctant to say how much it has cost at this stage; but you can’t put a price on good PR.”

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Park is ‘all trees and that’

A chav remonstrates

Coachloads of day trippers have branded the new South Downs theme park ‘a complete letdown’ – just days after its opening.

Hordes of chavs from Portsmouth and south London descended on Petersfield after reading about the new park on Farcebook, but things soon turned angry.

“It’s just all trees and that,” moaned 15-year-old Chasney Jobseeker of Leigh Park. “There’s no rollercoasters, no fairy castle, and no pub.

“There’s not even any attendants dressed up as pointlessly facile condescending Disney-style characters to pat us on the head and hoodwink us into accepting the unacceptable con of multinational consumerism.”

Her friend Alopecia Chuffbox whined “She’s right. There’s nuffink here! There aint even any long queues, it’s all just walking about in the open air – rubbish!”

The teenagers were backed up by the youth worker who organised the trip, Dudley Dogooder, who said “It’s a bit of a con. These youngsters need something to inspire them and show them there’s a world outside the concrete jungle they live in – and these days fantastic scenery, a close-up look at British wildlife and a chance to ride mountain bikes just won’t cut it.

“To be fair there is a gift shop selling overpriced tat that you don’t need – that was the one high spot. But the refreshments were far too fresh and healthy.

“Surely with a bit of effort they could have got a MacDonalds or Burger King on site – or even a Beefeater pub for the posh people. They would probably have sponsored a rollercoaster if they’d only been asked.”

A theme park spokesman was too stunned to comment.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I’m a poet and no-one knows it

Violet Olddear seething yesterday

A Petersfield pensioner has launched a stinging attack on professional poet Spam Spares, claiming the famous wordsmith stole her work.

Violet Olddear, 97, couldn’t believe her ears when she went along to a show by Spares at Sheet Village Hall.

“I couldn’t believe my ears…possibly because I’m a bit deaf,” confirmed Violet. “But I know what I heard – and I heard Spam reading out one of my poems and claiming it was hers.”

The former engine stoker says she sent the poem in question, The Cat, to Spam to see what she thought of it, and was dismayed to hear it read out loud at the show.

The dispute must now be settled in court before the controversial work can be included in a new collection of poems by Spares, who shot to semi-fame for about a fortnight in the ‘70s.

She appeared on TV’s Old Faces – a kind of forerunner to The X Factor – reading a poem about her teeth, and has been attempting to live off that fleeting moment of semi-celebrityness ever since.

Poetry expert Fred Stanza says the poem is almost certainly by Spares, commenting “The symmetry is perfect – this is obviously the work of a professional.”

Judge for yourself here’s the disputed poem in full:

My cat sat on the mat
And then he ate my hat
What do you think of that?
Drat, drat, drat, drat…drat

Mrs Olddear added “This is not the first time someone has stolen my work. I wrote a poem back in the ‘80s called Panic On The Streets Of Steep and it was used without my permission by that young Morrissey Smith fellow.

“And I wrote another one called I’m A Twisted Firestarter, which I later heard on the radio set to some awful modern beat. And don’t get me started on that John Lemming chap I met once in Liverpool…”

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Boundary Bounders Abound

The demarcation line with Rowlands Castle on the left and the National Park on the right

Hampshire District Council (HDC) faces a bill for a huge clean-up operation; following the action of some of its overzealous employees.

On 31st March 2010, the prettiest and most valuable swathes of England’s southern downland, were given the recognition and protection they deserve by being awarded National Park status.

Evan Elpuss, HDC’s Chief Executive said: “Those living within the now clearly defined boundaries of the Park are justifiably proud and perhaps a little smug, that they now live within a National Park".

The boundaries of the Park have been very clearly defined and the reasons for that are understandable. No-one would want to gaze across at the warm glow of the setting sun only to find that it is actually the dying embers of a burnt out Vauxhall Astra.

North of Petersfield the perimeter of the Park skirts Borden and to the south, Rowlands Castle, Cowplain and Horndean have all been carefully avoided. It is concerning this boundary that some unfortunate damage has been done.

HDC employees were given instructions that they should mark the boundary; beginning with the areas that were thought to be most troublesome. It was intended that graffiti and fireproof signage be erected; along with, in places, tasteful barbed-wire fencing.

Unfortunately, having referred to the demarcation maps, the order to mark the boundary was completely misconstrued and mirroring the map itself, red lines have now been painted across large areas of the countryside.

Elpuss said: “This is all very embarrassing and I apologise to all those that have been affected. The only positive point is that, with the paint being on the outside of the boundary of the Park, no real damage has been done.

“We will hold a meeting next week to determine whether, under the circumstances, it is worth the time and effort to remove the paint”.

Monday, April 05, 2010

The stars of Broadway

Kris Akabusi and a plumber yesterday
Kris Akabusi is on the left

The Broadway Park caravan site is planning to live up to its name and become the home of live music and stage shows in Petersfield.

Organisers have big plans with a host of high-profile names already approached to appear in productions including Kerry Katona, Kris Akabusi and some people rejected from regional auditions of the X Factor.

 Park owner Ivor Towbar said: “We’re Petersfield’s answer to Broadway, we have to be, we’re the only thing called Broadway here.

 “We’re confident of attracting some big names to the town and will be announcing some announcements in the not too distant future.

“Between you and me talks have already progressed significantly with Joe Pasquale’s people and it looks like he’ll be starring as Bill Sykes in Oliver.”

Broadway’s new era begins next month with a double bill of Michelle McManus tribute act, Michelle McAnus, going toe to toe with wrestling legend Mick McManus and the New New Drifters, featuring two of the originals from the Old New Drifters and a man who once met Benny King – no, not Ben E King, just a man called Benny King, we think he was a plumber.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Taxpayers to benefit from Newswire re-launch

Brown and Darling lobbying

Following a Government bale-out Petersfield Newswire is back on track.

This means you, the taxpayer, now own a large share of our debts and will be with us in the dock should Duncan Biscuits carry out his threat to sue.

Congratulations on your purchase which is guaranteed for one year.

To enjoy the benefits of an extended warranty please give us lots more money and we will spend it on inflated bonuses for the five regular contributors so we have enough money to buy the Royal Bank of Scotland and relocate it to Sheep Street.

A spokesman for Petersfield Newswire said: “We would like to thank the Government and in particular Messrs Brown and Darling for their unflinching support in the face of threatened legal action from Mr Biscuits.

“It is essential, if we are to retain the best satirical talent in Petersfield, that we are able to offer the sort of salary commensurate with a Russian oligarch.

“Rest assured that with this level of financial support and a regular following which stretches into … oooh double figures, Petersfield Newswire will continue to churn out light-hearted parochial chuff for the foreseeable future.”

Thursday, April 01, 2010

That just takes the biscuit

We are sad to announce the closure of Petersfield Newswire, for legal reasons.

Regular readers may recall reports featuring a Mr Duncan Biscuits. Following the second of these, the Newswire team received correspondence from a Mr Biscuits, of Petersfield – not the one in our reports – demanding we stop using his name.

Believing the correspondence to be a spoof – and not really caring – we continued to report on our Mr Biscuits' antics but have now been contacted by the solicitors of Mr Biscuits informing us we are to “cease and desist with immediate effect” as we are adding to “the ongoing suffering our client has had to endure throughout his life with a name deemed comical by puerile and cruel individuals”.

We have been advised our best course of action is to end the Petersfield Newswire service with immediate effect, particularly with the likelihood of copycat suits following Mr Biscuits' example.

Thank you to all our loyal readers. We’ve greatly enjoyed reporting on Petersfield’s quirks and eccentricities for you and hope you’ve enjoyed reading it just as much.

Nah not really… April Fools innit mush? Like we’d ever stop being puerile and cruel … screw you Biscuits!