Time to make a stand

A proper bandstand, not a crap brick version.

Petersfield Cricket Club have given their full backing for plans to erect a bandstand in the middle of Petersfield Heath to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

A mixture of crazy and worthwhile ventures have been put forward to celebrate the milestone including a large inflatable crown that could be enjoyed by children as a kind of bouncy royal castle and a half-scale model of the ex-royal yacht Britannia to be used as a permanent floating venue on the lake.

The bandstand seems to be the people's favourite and the cricket club are right behind the project, but some believe the backing is merely the verbal equivalent of ball-tampering.

Alf Volley, spokesman for the club, said: "We think the new bandstand is a fantastic idea."

Yet many remain suspicious of the cricket club's enthusiasm. The club has suffered at the hands of vandals recently and the bandstand might prove a welcome distraction to young thugs.

First-team skipper and chinese international batsman Lee Ding-Edge conceded: "Only this week we have has some nutter carving up the wicket, speeding around on some sort of quad-bike. This would give the local pondlife something else upon which to vent their frustration."

Sally Bray-Shun, talking on behalf of the Jubilee Committee for Petersfield, said: "I'm afraid Volley and Ding-Edge are wide of the crease with that one. The bandstand would be fully vandal-proof.

"We have only £30,000 to spend and, constructed from brick, the bandstand will probably look crap. In my experience that makes it vandal-proof. Hooligans won't try to destroy something that already looks as though someone else has already had a go at it."

Bray-Shun denied the Jubilee Committee had contacted the fairground operators, to enquire how much it would cost to buy the kiosk that houses the "Fishing for Yellow Plastic Ducks" game.

"There is no truth behind this rumour and in fact this is probably larger than the structure we would be able to afford."

Averse to litter

Sachs' poster campaign

A campaigner and voluntary worker has turned to verse to shame the louts who selfishly leave litter on the heath in Petersfield.

Phill Sachs, who spends all of his spare time scouring the heath for rubbish has composed a ditty that he hopes will “make those pesky litterbugs think twice before spoiling this idyllic beauty spot for visitors”.

His ode reads:

Think twice before you drop your crap,
long-suffering locals might just snap.
With clubs and knives they’ll hunt you down,
then string you up in your home town.

We joined Sachs for a 10-minute stroll around the heath during which time he somehow managed to pick up 256 items, shoving them into his heavy duty bin liner.

Tin cans, plastic bottles, cigarette packets, match boxes, crisp bags, several aquatic birds, a dead swan and a small dog were among the items collected by the do-gooder.

When questioned about the birds and the dog he said: “I work at speed to get the job done; there will always be a few casualties.”

Sachs once worked in a food processing and packaging plant and this experience seemed to have left him psychologically damaged, the result of which is he feels somehow responsible for much of today’s litter.

Sachs' clever poem

  
In an ironic twist, Sachs has had 150 copies of his ode laminated on A4 paper and has nailed the sheets to many of the heath’s oldest and most beautiful trees.

Wendy Windblows, aged 98, who lives on Heath Road, is outraged.

She said: “The view from my house has been ruined. This fool may have picked up a few cans but all I can see as I look south across the heath is the sun glinting off of these ruddy plastic sheets. I think he should be strung up.”

It's a jungle out there

Carl Key-Shorts on The Heath

Petersfield has been the scene of violent attacks this week, with blood being spilt in both Chapel Street and on The Heath.

Townsfolk have boarded up their doors and windows, ordered pate and asparagus on the internet and stocked up on Pinot Grigio, for fear of venturing out onto the once tranquil streets.

Sparking this panic was a sparrowhawk, filmed dismembering a pigeon in Chapel Street. A local newspaper, anxious to draw the spectacle to the public’s attention, published the x-rated images.

The glorification of violence aside, the real puzzle is why a sparrowhawk would be forced to hunt in Petersfield’s busy streets, deserting its normally safe, native woodland habitat.

Possibly, under the cover of numerous illegally parked cars, the bird could hunt without being spotted, but this theory doesn’t wash with Carl Key-Shorts, Petersfield’s answer to Indiana Jones.

Shorts told us: “The answer is clear; there is a more savage predator at large, something has forced the sparrowhawk out of the woods, something considerably more terrifying that the bird of prey could not compete with”.

Then a mass of feathers was spotted by Val Webbedfeet who was walking across The Heath last week. “You should have seen the carnage” she told us, “there were loads of feathers and blood all over the place, and a large severed foot, they were all fresh. The attack must have happened on Friday morning, or Thursday, or Wednesday, or possibly Tuesday or Monday come to think of it.

“Can you ask your readers if anyone wants to buy a pillow?”

With the exact date of the attack pinned down, and the latter victim thought to be a swan, attention has now firmly switched to the beast of The Heath that may be set to terrorise this normally peaceful and bird-loving community.

We turned to Shorts; who, although possibly one jeep short of a safari, claims to be our resident expert. “I have studied the scene of the attack, the remains of the swan, the bite radius on the foot and a few other clues that I won’t bore you with, and what we have here is a tiger!

We tried to contact Colnel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton, who will surely come to the town’s aid, but his wife Buffy Bufton-Tufton confirmed he had already set off on the back of an elephant in search of the creature.

The Ice Man cometh

Affordable housing near the heath - advertising

material claims prices have been 'frozen for January'

Petersfield Housing Association is to lodge a complaint over the new homes that have been hurriedly erected on the land between Heath Road East and Sussex Road in Petersfield.

The PHA has accused Petersfield Town Council of exploiting a loophole in the system; keeping to a minimum the level of new affordable housing in the area.

Speaking for the Council Planning Department, Bill Ding defended the work saying: “In line with strict Government directives we have, ahead of schedule, erected a number of affordable homes that comply and in fact go well beyond all normal environmental requirements.

“These homes are in a desirable part of town, with easy access to the town centre.

“I must point out that a clause in any prospective purchasers’ contract will state that the ownership of the land will return to the council if the house is demolished thus ensuring that the area will remain unspoilt for future generations.”

PHA will tackle PTC head on, with Evan Elpuss accusing them of: “deliberately building homes that will not last, thus reducing, in the long term, the number of homes that can be afforded by the poorer members of society".

In response Ding said: “They have the same guarantees as Barratt Homes...”