It's a jungle out there

Carl Key-Shorts on The Heath

Petersfield has been the scene of violent attacks this week, with blood being spilt in both Chapel Street and on The Heath.

Townsfolk have boarded up their doors and windows, ordered pate and asparagus on the internet and stocked up on Pinot Grigio, for fear of venturing out onto the once tranquil streets.

Sparking this panic was a sparrowhawk, filmed dismembering a pigeon in Chapel Street. A local newspaper, anxious to draw the spectacle to the public’s attention, published the x-rated images.

The glorification of violence aside, the real puzzle is why a sparrowhawk would be forced to hunt in Petersfield’s busy streets, deserting its normally safe, native woodland habitat.

Possibly, under the cover of numerous illegally parked cars, the bird could hunt without being spotted, but this theory doesn’t wash with Carl Key-Shorts, Petersfield’s answer to Indiana Jones.

Shorts told us: “The answer is clear; there is a more savage predator at large, something has forced the sparrowhawk out of the woods, something considerably more terrifying that the bird of prey could not compete with”.

Then a mass of feathers was spotted by Val Webbedfeet who was walking across The Heath last week. “You should have seen the carnage” she told us, “there were loads of feathers and blood all over the place, and a large severed foot, they were all fresh. The attack must have happened on Friday morning, or Thursday, or Wednesday, or possibly Tuesday or Monday come to think of it.

“Can you ask your readers if anyone wants to buy a pillow?”

With the exact date of the attack pinned down, and the latter victim thought to be a swan, attention has now firmly switched to the beast of The Heath that may be set to terrorise this normally peaceful and bird-loving community.

We turned to Shorts; who, although possibly one jeep short of a safari, claims to be our resident expert. “I have studied the scene of the attack, the remains of the swan, the bite radius on the foot and a few other clues that I won’t bore you with, and what we have here is a tiger!

We tried to contact Colnel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton, who will surely come to the town’s aid, but his wife Buffy Bufton-Tufton confirmed he had already set off on the back of an elephant in search of the creature.