Friday, December 23, 2011

Ho ho ho.

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Petersfield: Sleepy market town

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming  Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Survival not nailed-on certainty

 Richard Bingham, behind closed doors since 1974

In a dramatic turn of events, a shop about which few people have heard and even fewer use, is in danger of closing unless more people know about it and use it.

The Unitary bookshop is located in a series of underground tunnels originally built in the 60s to house right-wing Conservative councillors in case of a left-wing revolution. As the Cold War due to a close, Glasnost prevailed and Tony Blair headed the Labour Party, all fears of the left-wing ever having a voice again faded completely and one of the dark tunnels was turned over to the entrepreneurial Archbishop of Herne Farm who inaugurated a secular, yet highly religious bookshop within.

Now, after more than 30 years of waiting for somebody to come through the door, the bookshop is in danger of closing. It is news which has saddened several of the volunteers who work there.

Richard Bingham, the seventh Earl of Lucan, has volunteered in the shop since 1974 and was distraught to learn of its possible closure.

With his words spoken by an actor, he said: “I’ve been hidden here for more than 30 years and the thought of having to move somewhere else if the shop should close is heartbreaking. It’s come as something of a shock – almost as much of a shock as that day in 1987 when somebody came in. But he was looking for the Physic garden and we were able to send him on his way.

“By the way, what IS a Physic Garden ?”

A spokesman for rival capitalist bookshop Hellstones, Lucifer Dark-Lord, said: “It’s such a shame that in a largely secular society there is no room for a shop such as this: one selling cards, books and wooden toys designed to brainwash people into denying science.

“Mind you the authors of those books have been around for years trying to flog their wares. It’s time for the new bright young authors like Richard Dawkins to have a chance at hitting the bestseller lists.”

The Unitary Bookshop is a family run business still managed by three generations: father, son and holy nephew. A spokesman recalled: “We’ve always had a variety of books. The first book was Genesis – we sold a lot of those until people started bringing them back having thought they were a biography of a 70s rock band.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Petersfield news ... from Petersfield papers

A round-up of the best stories from
this week's Petersfield media...

 Bonfire fodder

Error leads to aphtae epizooticae mix-up

An administrative error at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) is being blamed for the deliberate burning of 15 paintings at the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists Gallery in Selborne.

A spokesman for DEFRA admitted: “It was an easy mistake to make particularly as the pictures concerned were all of a bovine nature. It is disappointing, but, on the other hand, it is reassuring to know we can act so promptly to allay public fears.”

Top comic may be Hounded out


The Christmas show at Petersfield Comedy Club may or may not be headlined by a top TV comedy act depending on whether he gets a better paying gig. Or not.

There will be other comedians on the bill, however, and if audience members who have paid to see the TV star, who may or may not participate, are disappointed they may be able to get their money back. Or not.

Old Bill on the Liss

 You're nicked me olde beauty

The lack of police coverage in East Hampshire was illustrated last week when a talk on the police was given at the Liss Area Historical Society.

Local policing as history. It doesn’t need us to say any more, does it?

Monday, November 28, 2011

News on the dark side

A shot in the dark 

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

 Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

How the council spends your money

As easy as pie
Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.
Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.
Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.
The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .
Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

PRATS - Petersfield's vocal locals

Cam Payne, Petersfield's biggest PRAT

A new website has been launched to enable Petersfield residents to object to the many things they object to “in a more organised manner”.

The man behind the website, Cam Payne, chairman of the vocal local organisation Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes this is a major step forward in the town’s ability to complain irrationally about all manner of topics.

He said: “Petersfield residents are renowned for objecting – whether it’s against planning applications, the closure of the Town Square, car parking, pavements, the lack of organic five-a-day vegetables, the increasing appearance of fog or a failure to increase oxygen levels for old people.

“While these are all valid objections, as a town we need to have a more co-ordinated approach. Too often the protests are limited to individuals posting leaflets on telegraph poles or somebody writing a letter of ill-informed complaint to the local newspaper.

“The launch of the new website will enable us to protest in a more organised manner. And it will also lead to more concerted and visible campaigns. For a start, this week, following on from the much publicised ‘Occupy’ protests in New York and London , we are holding an Occupy Cloisters march.

“It will start at the statue in the centre of the square and culminate at the Cloisters coffee bar where protesters will occupy all the tables, pausing only to order the occasional latte and eggs Benedict.

“And if, as expected, the protest gathers momentum we will be able to nip across the square to Milletts and purchase some thick socks or even a tent. For most people this will only differ from their normal day in that they will be ordering eggs Benedict instead of a smoked salmon bagel – but the important thing is we have to start somewhere. And the website has enabled us to do that.”

The website comprises a simple content management system into which visitors add in relevant information in order to generate a campaign. These include ‘cause of ire’; ‘action required’; ‘how many angry residents do you require?’; and a multiple-choice section for ‘required action’, which includes tick-boxes for ‘angry letter to the paper’; ‘angry photograph in the paper’; ‘poster pinned up angrily in the library’; or ‘angry stall in town square at next event organised by an angry Ben Errey.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

No news is news

Wenlock and Mandeville...

Following last week's news that the Olympic torch is coming to Petersfield we can now round up all the other exciting Olympic games news from around the area.

Petersfield won't have a screen, so you'll need to watch it on the telly.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Greater Leigh Park a flaming nuisance?

 Catch me if you can

Petersfield residents have received assurances that despite problems with illegally parked cars, that continue to remain unchecked by Petersfield Town Council, the Olympic torch will make its way through the town next year.

News for people living between Petersfield and Portsmouth was, however, far less positive.
The torch is set to be carried from Portsmouth to Brighton on July 16, 2012, day 59 of the mammoth relay.

The start of the journey is set to see the torch carried from Portsmouth straight to Petersfield without visiting Leigh Park, Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Horndean or Clanfield despite the fact that it will be coming within yards of each of them.

Immediately after gracing Petersfield the torch will visit settlements as small as Rogate, Midhurst, Easebourne, Tillington, Petworth and Duncton.

Lord Coe has been approached by Chantell Fewdont a representative from Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville etc. or as it known Greater Leigh Park, pleading that he change his mind and slightly alter the route of the torch to take in some more of these built-up areas.

Lord Coe was unequivocal in his response: “Not a chance” he said.

“We did give this matter serious consideration, and one of our major goals in planning the route was to reach out and meet as many of the population as possible, where possible in deprived areas, but this would be a risk we are simply not willing to take.

“You need to realise that much of this journey will be broadcast across the world and if anything were to go wrong, well it doesn’t bear thinking about.

“My advisers tell me that ‘torch’ has its own meaning in Greater Leigh Park, and the last thing we want is for a wanton trail of destruction to follow the runner, because the locals think it appropriate.

“In addition, this torch is golden in colour. It’s not real gold, but I have been warned that the locals will almost certainly not realise that and that a runner carrying gold would be like a scene from the pied piper of Hamelin.

“No we will not be diverted; Greater Leigh Park is a flaming nuisance.”