Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Folding paper could be much worse than it sounds

Some fish and chips, sold by a fish and chip shop yesterday 

D-Day is looming for our two local papers: the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold.

The newspaper industry is in rapid decline and local media expert Meg Azine believes one of the papers may be forced to fold before Christmas owing to a dearth of suitable stories.

She explained: “Recently the papers have been able to exist on a diet of exam result pictures, prom pictures and pages of pictures taken at events like the summer festivities. It’s got like a middle-class Hello! 

“But with summer almost behind us these options are no longer open to the newspapers. They have to start finding proper stories and there just aren’t enough to go around.

“The economy has hit them hard: with university fees going up next year, fewer private-school kids are able to take a year off to try to go round the world and ask for financial support in the paper while being photographed on their bike, in their canoe or simply looking posh.

“Every available piece of land appears to have been built on so there are no residents’ campaigns to feature; there are fewer and fewer ‘vicious attacks’ or murders for neighbours to ‘come to terms with’; banks can no longer afford to print giant cheques to hand over to allotment holders; and if we get a traffic warden even the letters page might have to go.

“Already we have seen stories such as ‘fish and chip shop sells fish and chips’ and ‘ex-railway worker has shiny top hat’. And a local non-entity has even been given his own column to pad out the Proust. The signs are not good.”

However, local entrepreneur Osama Ben Hurry, a specialist in “stepping in at the last minute to save the day” plans to step in at the last minute to save the day. He claims to have an idea which would enable both papers to survive at least until the new year.

“It’s called the Christmas Festivities,” he said. “I thought we could shut the High St for three days, have some live music, some Christmas-themed stalls and a special big arrow pointing from the War Memorial to Café Fusso, so nobody misses out on business.

“It will provide lots of stories in the run-up to Christmas if we come up with some awards and some disgruntled shopkeepers – and there’s never any shortage of those in Petersfield. And afterwards there will be enough pictures of small children wrapped up warm and old men in shiny suits to last well into January.

“Then if we launch an Easter Festivities we should have enough material to last until the next murder happens. It would be a tragedy if this small town lost its overpriced and news-light local papers.”

A spokesman for the Petersfield Harold denied the newspaper was facing an uncertain future.

“There is no truth in the rumour of our potential demise,” he insisted. “Only this week in our editorial meeting we discussed the possibility of a ‘biggest sunflower’ competition and the use of more ‘news’ from Haslemere. It’s business as usual here.”

Christmas is cancelled

G Rinch makes his persuasive

presentation to fellow councillors

East Hampshire District Council bosses have made an early decision that this year all official Christmas celebrations are cancelled.

Officials are blaming a lack of sponsorship money from local businesses, but in reality they are following the example set by Havant Borough Council who took a similarly unpopular decision a few years ago.

G Rinch, the councillor appointed to make cutbacks, said: “We are looking to make savings in as many areas as possible. There simply isn’t enough money and Christmas is an expendable luxury.

“We aren’t suggesting townfolk can’t celebrate Christmas in their own homes, but we would appreciate it if they can refrain from being outwardly jolly as they walk around town.

“From November 1 we will also be imposing a fairy lights tax which will be levied on all homes that have lights draped in their garden or on the outside of their property. In working-class areas this is expected to raise a small fortune.

“I have had it suggested that Christmas is an easy target; well yes it is, and one we cannot afford to miss.”

We put it to Councillor Rinch that during a recession, and in the middle of winter when nights have drawn in and the weather is at its worst, people, more than ever, look forward to Christmas and the celebrations that take place.

“Bah humbug” he replied sarcastically: “There simply isn’t the money, there will be no tree, no lights and certainly no Christmas Festival with its expensive plastic ice rink.”

In an attempt to appease tax payers, council bosses have agreed to fund the clearing of any snow this year. This may at face value seem like a generous gesture, but Newswire has been told that the council simply want to ensure the town doesn’t look at all festive, bringing back memories of Christmases gone by.

Yule be sorry

Even the pastry-based, meat-filled

snacks made the effort

Reports that Petersfield Christmas Festivities were nothing but a Hampshire Farmers’ Market in disguise have been strongly denied by organisers.

“There was definitely some tinsel on a couple of stores,” insisted spokesman Giles Farmer of, er, Hampshire Farmers’ Market.

“It was extremely seasonal - we blew several flakes of snow around, it p***ed with rain most of the weekend and The George even offered mulled wine,” he added.

“How bloody Christmassy do you want it?”

Meanwhile, lovers of extortionately-priced sausages, hand-crafted (in Taiwan by child slaves admittedly) wooden toys, and carrots covered with dirt hailed the event as a huge success.

Mr Farmer, who also organises the traditional French market, Italian market and Easter market in Petersfield, is currently working on plans for a Valentine’s Day market, St George’s Day market, Tuesday market, Post Office queue market and another event intriguingly titled a “market market”.

A spokesman for Lincoln Christmas Market said “We’re worried…no, honestly.”