Petersfield: Sleepy market town

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming  Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

A sign of the times in Petersfield

 

Splendid signage

Petersfield is celebrating after being awarded European Centre of Signage status for 2012.

The prestigious award follows a vigorous vetting procedure which saw the east Hampshire town lauded for its “lack of regulation” and “diversity”.

The chairman of the EU panel of international judges, Bill Board, explained: “Petersfield was the stand-out candidate. Too often in large cities, where there is an abundance of regulated hoardings the focus is on big corporations and legitimate, paid-for advertising and the close proximity of golf sales.

“But Petersfield manages to be a smorgasbord of unregulated signage, from bright yellow notices of forthcoming comedy nights to posters in a cleverly designed childish form advertising bonfire nights. And they’re not just limited to one area – these notices are all over town, ranging from A4 notices attached to lamposts to six-foot posters nailed to bits of plywood and tied to roadside trees.

“It was this diversity, lack of regulation and complete disregard for aesthetics and the safety of road users which appealed to the judging panel. That’s why it was placed ahead of Tromsø, in Norway, and the small French village of Beaucoups de Trivialities, just north of Ridicules.”

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, Bobby Bear, was able to provide further details of the panel’s findings.

He said: “The judges made comment about the diversity of our signage and picked out for special mention the seasonal Petersfield Town Juniors six-a-side signs – described as ‘plentiful and effective’; the ubiquitous ‘Hot Tub Sale’ notice – ‘hugely informative’; the Winton Players’ series – ‘just made us want to go and buy a ticket’; and the ‘hilarious’ no parking at any time notices in the High Street, which ‘showed a satirical and contemporary sense of humour, largely lacking in other conurbations’.

“We are delighted to win such a prestigious award and you can guarantee somebody will produce a handwritten bill in celebration and staple it to a telegraph pole near you soon.”

Petersfield project wins national award

The rising pile of litter is clearly visible behind the skatepark fence

Petersfield’s skatepark has entered the record books within six months of opening – for the amount of litter it has generated.

Officials from the Government’s Department of Really Untidy Places have confirmed the amount of litter produced in the last six months has topped that of the previous record holder Trafalgar Square.

The announcement came after Tony Robinson’s Time Team crew was called in to Love Lane on Sunday to excavate Petersfield Town Football Club’s stadium from under an increasing pile of fast-food containers, drinks cartons, lycra shirts and Marvel comics, in time for one of the club’s biggest annual events.

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council said: “We are delighted the skatepark has received official recognition and this is testament to the effort we put in to ensuring the project went ahead despite opposition from NIMBYs, for whom this latest accolade must be a real blow.

“This is only the second occasion the Time Team programme has visited Petersfield and it helps to put the town on the map. The subsequent spin-offs are good for the town too.

“The number of seagulls circling overhead enables visiting skateboarders to find the skate park easily, plus we are able to employ another 16 refuse collectors on a permanent basis for the Love Lane recreation field alone.

“What’s more, once Tony Robinson and his team had rediscovered the town’s football club underneath the detritus they also found Shergar and Lord Lucan. The town’s museum will benefit exponentially.”

A spokesman for the town’s football club, who had been reported missing for six days underneath the burgeoning morass, emerged to say: “We share the council’s delight at this award. It has really helped put us on the map.

"The young people visiting are always leaving fast-food containers or losing their expensive trainers, while the 30-somethings who use the site lose their dignity and a large amount of unkempt facial hair.

“The combination of all these things is second-to-none and the council should be congratulated for having the initiative to hide one of the resident waste-paper bins around the corner out-of-sight. It only encourages the visitors to dump more on the ground when the main bin is full. Absolute genius!”

Award awarded to award-winner at awards night

The Petersfield Newswire team are pictured during

a break from filming JLS' latest video

The five masked men behind Petersfield Newswire celebrated winning the Life in Petersfield arts and entertainment award at Friday’s glamorous shindig, by being somewhere else entirely.

They did, however, provide a video in the much used “unfortunately our winners can’t be here tonight but sent us this message” style, which proved so entertaining one table woke up.

A spokesman for the Newswire team explained: “Unfortunately we were out of the country acting as stunt doubles for JLS during the filming of the video for their latest 7-inch vinyl disc.

“We did, however, send a message from our static caravan on the forecourt of the Days Inn at Clacket Lane Services. We said how disappointed we were to learn that we had won only a framed certificate.

“We had arranged to have a guy on standby with a furnace so we could melt down the gold statuette we were expecting. This would have funded the building of a new website to replace the blog-based version we have currently.

“Sadly putting the framed certificate in the furnace simply produced some ashes which we left behind at a ceremony at the third bin from the left outside the gents’ lavatory in the Services’ main building. We expect a blue plaque to be erected there sometime in the 22nd century.

“We are willing to sell a photocopy of the award for £50, though obviously as men of principles under normal circumstances we would not consider such tawdry offers of cash.”

A bewildered spokesman for Life in Petersfield shook his head and said: “We still can’t believe this lot made the short-list, let alone won it. What is happening to this Sceptered Isle?”

NOTE: The Petersfield Newswire team are expected to celebrate the award with a few pints sometime soon and invite offers from local pubs who would be prepared to stand them drinks all night...

‘Bonkers’ award for A3 roundabout

 

Police say they will have spare signage from the

soon to be safer Hindhead area.

A blue heritage plaque is to be awarded to a roundabout near Petersfield as it is a rare example of ‘bonkers’ 1980s planning.

The Ham Barn roundabout at Greatham – scene of countless A3 accidents - will soon be the only traffic obstacle to motorists between London and Portsmouth.

“This roundabout is a classic example of the muddled thinking of traffic planners of the past,” said Miss Clea Rhodes, chair of the Petersfield and District Pointless Heritage Awards.

She said the award would be handed over as soon as the Hindhead tunnel opened as, at that point, Ham Barn would become even more of a joke than it has been for the past 20 years.

“Not only does this junction create a completely pointless distraction which creeps up on drivers who might reasonably think that a dual carriageway between two major cities should be a clear run, it’s not even round!” added Ms Rhodes.

“It’s a kind of kidney-shaped mess set at an angle with one side lower than the other to cause as much difficulty as possible – especially for high-sided vehicles and, of course, boy racers.

“Best of all, it is only there to provide a back way into Liss past a kebab van and access to a tiny village school at Greatham, which could have been achieved by sliproads – as at every other junction on the A3.”

However, chairman of single interest group Petersfield Tory Businessmen, Matt Tress, said: “The Ham Barn roundabout has made a vital contribution to local businesses throughout its entire life.

“Not only does it allow access to that kebab van, but there are several body repair shops which would have gone bust years ago if it wasn’t for this junction…”

Who most deserves a makeover

Last year's winner who ran over Elsie Flatfoot's cat Winky

Do you know someone who is deserving of a makeover from a national award winning salon?

Newswire has teamed up with Preview Hairdressing in Petersfield to offer the winner of this competition a completely new look.

We are looking to hear the stories of people around East Hampshire who you feel deserve to spend a day in the Preview Salon.

Perhaps they have hurled abuse at you in the street, had an affair with your husband, scratched your car or may be play loud music regularly into the small hours. Whatever it is they’ve done to antagonise you we’ve got just the thing for them.

So if you think you know someone who deserves a renowned Preview makeover, let us know with details of what it is they have done.

The winner will be announced at the end of April.