Blow me

Proper fairy lights, arranged by real fairies.

A treemendous reversal of fortunes has seen Petersfield win a second award for its Christmas tree lights, this time because they look so beautiful. 

Our story of 20 December 2011, told you how the straight lines of lights that were simply hanging vertically from the town tree had met with bad reviews from all and sundry, and had in fact won us a wooden spoon type award from the appropriately named Government Body - CRAP (Christmas Redecoration And Parties). That same organisation has now awarded us a gold star! 

Newswire questioned Petersfield Town Council (PTC) in an effort to establish who should be congratulated for the alterations, but nobody seems to know who was responsible.

Speaking on behalf of PTC Wynne Dee-Knight told us: "Nobody was given instructions to make the changes, but the Council will happily take the credit for the improvements; doesn't it look lovely".

Harry Caneforce, a member of the PTC team who is responsible for removing the decorations told us: "We don't know who did it, the way the lights were draped it would have taken me only a few minutes to remove them, now it's going to take me quite a while to untangle the ruddy things from the tree. Irresponsible, that's what it is".

Apart from Mr Caneforce, everyone we spoke to regards the display is far more Christmassy and imaginative, far better than the dreadful straight lines that hung there before.

Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Gus T Weather told us: "This really is an incredible story, what a stunning transformation. Adding to the mystery of course, the work seems to have been carried out overnight by fairies. Real fairy lights, how wonderful".

Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Council sheds everything

A council employee illustrates how much extra cash

has been allocated to public services for 2011

Under unprecedented financial pressure, Petersfield’s local council has published a list of cuts it plans to make to public services. This isn't it:

1. Hundreds of unwanted wooden sheds, bought at great expense for the Christmas Festival a few years ago and now rotting in a lock-up off Bedford Road, will be converted into green burial caskets and leased to the dead on a timeshare basis. Hurry while stocks last.

2. Petersfield Library is to move into a converted wooden shed from East Hampshire District Council’s (EHDC) Christmas stockpile. The library will also be merged with the hearing-aid shop so half the customers will spend all day going "shussh" while the others reply "pardon?". Saves £6,000.

3. £22,000 cut from Residents Home Improvement grants. Future applicants will be given a wooden shed and told "stop moaning or we'll rehouse you in Havant".

4. Corners will be cut in Petersfield town centre as the Market Square is reduced by 25 per cent and renamed the Market Triangle. Planners recognise the kebab van will be unable to navigate the new 60 degree corners so EHDC has kindly offered the use of a replacement wooden shed.

5. £9,000 of cash put behind the bars of councillors' chosen pubs every year is to be withdrawn. The money was handed over to "ensure members of the public could use the pub toilets" like they can in, say, a pub. Instead it will be used for councillors’ tipples…

6. A fleet of limousines used to take every member of council staff to and from Overspennds Place, out to Monoloco for lunch and off to the pub to "use the lavatory" is to be replaced by sheds on wheels, driven by pixies.

A spokesman for the council said: "Don't blame me - you voted the buggers in!"

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Merry Christmas to our reader ...

Many thanks to all our followers and readers who have voted us the top website called Petersfield Newswire in the recent Top Site Called Petersfield Newswire Awards 2010, in association with Petersfield Newswire.

We couldn’t have done it without you. Actually that’s tosh! Clearly we could … and did. But the sentiment’s there.

Just who are the men behind the Newswire?

Maybe this candid shot from the office party will give a clue

Anyway, happy Christmas and thanks for your support which has given us the will to keep going throughout 2010 and into 2011. We may even take local advertising next year so if you’re interested in supporting us drop a line to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk.

If you want to support us but don’t have a business to plug, drop us a line anyway and we’ll tell you where to send food and drink…

And don't forget if you think you know who one of us is, you can approach us in the street and say: "I think you're a member of the Petersfield Newswire team and here's my £10 donation." Not forgetting of course, to make the £10 donation. We're sorry, we no longer accept cheques but Port and whisky are always appreciated.

Have a good one.

Clint, Frank, DJ, Cyrano and Plato.

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”

Spy scandal hits Petersfield

 

Signal flag clearly visible near to the back of the Pilates Gym 

Newswire can report that a network of spies is working in the centre of Petersfield.

It is understood the spies are passing information to Midhurst Town Council and that it is possible that they were instrumental in ensuring that Midhurst would be the location of the South Downs administrative head office.

It would appear the spy ring proved so invaluable to Petersfield’s rival town that Midhurst officials are continuing to employ these underhand snitches to feed back valuable information for shopkeepers in the potentially profitable run-up to Christmas.

A double-agent, happy to take a back-hander from Newswire could not divulge much information, but pointed out a signal system positioned in the gardens at the back of Waitrose car park. This is clearly visible to the public and is positioned next to the Pilates gym.

We are reliably informed that the spy leaving the messages is codenamed “Pugwash”.

The flag currently hoisted is the black and yellow quartered maritime flag which represents the letter “L”. When used as a stand-alone communication, the flag conveys the message: “Please stop.I have something important to communicate to you”.

This could be a sign that the spies are getting careless, blatantly leaving messages that any old sailor or boy scout could interpret.

If any of our readers can provide any further information that will help us to expose these miscreants please contact us and let us know.

Wikileaks reveals Petersfield's ‘Bourbon war’

Nobody is quite sure how the information was leaked

Petersfield councillors came close to declaring war this year, it has been revealed by the Wikileaks organisation.

Hundreds of secret documents have been unveiled on the website, including a particularly nasty exchange over which type of biscuits should be provided for refreshment at council meetings.

The leaks reveal a simmering feud between lovers of Bourbon and enthusiasts of Rich Tea – with one rebel fighting the corner for Custard Creams.

The biscuit battle was finally won by the Rich Tea brigade (mainly because they’re cheaper) but a series of leaked emails show just how close the council came to raised voices.

Among the previously secret documents is an email from Tory councillor Freddie Ponsonby-Ponce saying: “I must declare my support for Rich Tea – to spend taxpayers’ money on a foreign Frog-Eyetie hybrid biscuit like the Bourbon is beyond the pale.”

But fellow Conservative Mrs Hilda Blenkinsop disagreed, as revealed in an email dated June 11. “How could we possibly opt for the Rich Tea?” she wrote. “It is fundamentally a working-class biscuit and, so I am told, is even dunked into tea by some of the uneducated masses. It’s simply not right for Petersfield.”

The solitary campaigner for the Custard Cream was Lib-Dem councillor Mr Arthur Uturn who sent in a video of himself signing a formal pledge in support of his favoured biscuit. However, it is understood he has since switched his vote in favour of the Rich Tea and says he “should have been more careful” before backing the Custard Cream.

“If I had really thought anyone would take any notice of anything I said, obviously I would have thought before I promised councillors the earth…well, a custard cream.”

Other Petersfield revelations on Wikileaks include:

• a series of quotes for a new squeedgy-mop at the Taro Leisure Centre

• a debate on whether to buy screw-in Christmas lights or the traditional bayonet kind for the council’s festive tree

• details of an expenses claim for 57p for a small carton milk for an unspecified purpose

• the fact that Arthur Uturn was referred to as “a bloody idiot” during a viewing of his Custard Cream signing video at a council committee meeting in May

• details of a bugged conversation between a member of one of the town’s leading amateur dramatic groups and a suspected crime boss over the possibility of reducing prices for the 1994 run of Kiss Me Kate to an affordable level

• how a diplomatic incident was narrowly avoided after the deputy mayor accused the mayor of Barentin of ‘smelling of garlic’ during an exchange visit; and

• plans to build an underground coffee bar and charity shop in Butser Hill in case of nuclear war

Christmas is cancelled

G Rinch makes his persuasive

presentation to fellow councillors

East Hampshire District Council bosses have made an early decision that this year all official Christmas celebrations are cancelled.

Officials are blaming a lack of sponsorship money from local businesses, but in reality they are following the example set by Havant Borough Council who took a similarly unpopular decision a few years ago.

G Rinch, the councillor appointed to make cutbacks, said: “We are looking to make savings in as many areas as possible. There simply isn’t enough money and Christmas is an expendable luxury.

“We aren’t suggesting townfolk can’t celebrate Christmas in their own homes, but we would appreciate it if they can refrain from being outwardly jolly as they walk around town.

“From November 1 we will also be imposing a fairy lights tax which will be levied on all homes that have lights draped in their garden or on the outside of their property. In working-class areas this is expected to raise a small fortune.

“I have had it suggested that Christmas is an easy target; well yes it is, and one we cannot afford to miss.”

We put it to Councillor Rinch that during a recession, and in the middle of winter when nights have drawn in and the weather is at its worst, people, more than ever, look forward to Christmas and the celebrations that take place.

“Bah humbug” he replied sarcastically: “There simply isn’t the money, there will be no tree, no lights and certainly no Christmas Festival with its expensive plastic ice rink.”

In an attempt to appease tax payers, council bosses have agreed to fund the clearing of any snow this year. This may at face value seem like a generous gesture, but Newswire has been told that the council simply want to ensure the town doesn’t look at all festive, bringing back memories of Christmases gone by.

Post Office hits back at Christmas criticism

A Royal Mail spokesman has jumped to the defence of the postal service after it was criticised for taking two months and five days to deliver a Christmas card to London from Petersfield.

Rick Ordeddelivery explained: “This isn’t actually as bad as it would first appear. We have actually been a victim of our own high standards of customer service.

“In the run-up to Christmas there was such a queue at Petersfield Post Office that we actually went down the queue offering to postmark people’s cards and letters there and then to save them time when they actually reached a cashier.

“So while the Christmas card delivered to Ms Woods may have a December postmark it was received by her only 48 hours after the sender finally reached the front of the queue and spoke to a cashier.

“And as anybody who uses the Petersfield Post Office regularly will tell you, queuing only for two months to get served is actually a ‘right result’.”

Homeless woman highlights Sheet problem

A homeless woman is to spend the night in a plush house in Sheet to highlight the plight of the middle classes who whacked too much on their credit cards over Christmas.

"As I was selling The Beeeg Eeeshue in Rams Walk over the festive season I noticed how miserable all the shoppers were," explained Petersfield's homeless woman, known to residents as Mona.

"I chatted to a couple and realised what a tough time they were having. Many of them had to fight their way through throngs of other grim-faced and very pushy consumers just to buy two months' worth of food to see them through the long Christmas weekend.

"And others were forced to purchase hordes of expensive tat that their spoilt children didn't even want.

"Most of them were having to put so much on their credit cards they couldn't even spare the usual £1.50 for the Big Issue. I felt so sorry for them I decided to do something about it."

Mona is to spend the night in a five-bedroomed detached house in Sheet in a bid to bring attention to the sorry state of affairs facing many of the village's upper-crust residents.

Home owner Cressida Brazil-Thwaite (pronounced Twat) said: "She'll have to live on leftovers as that's all we can afford in January but she should be OK as the freezer in the utility room is full and my family won't need it as we'll be away on our annual skiing trip ... although we're having to make do with a European resort as we can't afford Aspen this year as my husband's Christmas bonus was around 10 per cent down.

"Mona doesn't realise how lucky she is not having to worry about such things and I hope she'll come to realise that after a night in our spare room."

If you would like to help the Brazil-Thwaites with their hefty credit card bill, Mona will be in her usual place this week and will pass on donations.

Santa's PO grotto

In something of a coup, Petersfield Post Office has managed to secure the services of out-of-work funny man John Henshaw on Christmas Eve.

The Post Office awarded free use of the comedian’s services to the branch which could boast the worst record across the land, and Petersfield won by a mile; quite literally. On the day the judges measured the queue it was very nearly a mile long.

So to celebrate the festive season, the Post Office has been turned into one big grotto with Henshaw kitted out in a Santa outfit and white beard, talking to those lucky enough to have made it into the building.

Cindy Sack speaking on behalf of the Post Office, said: “This should bring some welcome cheer to our customers at this festive time.

“Once anyone in the queue has reached the building, they know that they will at least be entertained for the final two hours or so of their ordeal.

“Also, on a positive note, I can confirm that none of those queuing during the last week or so has had to contend with slippery conditions. The queue has been there day and night, so the snow has not actually had a chance to lay on the ground beneath their feet.”

Christmas cracker car-park shocker

A money-grabbing trader has called for the demolition of an old building in the town centre - to make way for a Christmas car park.

"At this time of recession we need to boost shopper numbers any way we can," said jeweller Matt Tress.

"If we can set up a new car park right next to the Square, it will give the whole town a lift."

His proposal to knock down the town's Norman church, St Peter's, has not met with universal approval - especially during the festive season - but Tress remains unrepentant.

"It's old and crumbly anyway and it's been there for ages," he moaned.

"It's nothing but an eyesore in my book - I'd much rather see lots of lovely shoppers pulling up there in their cars. I reckon you'd get more than 200 on that site, which would be a much-needed boost for the jewellery trade, and maybe some other shops too.

"We might have to lose the Square's Christmas tree to gain access, and those strings of garish lights could go too. Let's keep Christmas traditional for once - it is all about shopping after all. And if anyone's interested in a carol service or something, there are plenty of other churches available that don't clutter up the centre of the town.'

God issued a statement via Facebook, saying 'FFS!'

Local press excited

A local newspaper is claiming that “revelers will be rocking around the Christmas tree” between December 5 and 7, at this year's Petersfield Christmas Festival, thanks to what it describes as “an exciting line-up of bands and performers”.

As usual, a number of acts that nobody will have heard of have been booked for the event and organisers are hoping that at least one or two of them can string a few notes together to entertain the crowd.

Groups secured for the event include Little Willy and his Piccolo, The Flatulent Pheasants, Revenge of the Angry Housewives, REO Speed Camera and topping the bill, Irish boy band Gang Green.

The Town Council has given permission for a perimeter fence to be set up around the square at this year's event, to control crowds. This isn't so much in an effort to maintain order, as numbers.

The plan is to have an entrance but no exit, so crowds should swell into the dozens or even hundreds if misleading signage can be erected in time.

Petersfield 'ready' for traditional Christmas

Local council officials, traders and the usual busybodies are confident of a traditional Christmas in the town this year, according to reports circulating the Petersfield Newswire office.

Some of the traditions the local authorities are expected to maintain include moaning about the cost of decorating the town, arguing over whose responsibility it is to put up the lights and warning that this is probably the last year we'll have any lights anyway.

Meanwhile, officials from Pennsions Place continue to look for a Christmas tree for the Market Square. In keeping with time-honoured tradition, they won't give up their search until they've identified the scruffiest clump of branches this side of Norway and then dragged it back on a rope until it has exactly half the charm of a tramp's jumper.

Asked to comment on the proposals, one woman in Ram's Walk said: "Beeg eee-shoe. Beeg eee-shoe."

Stallholder left foaming

 

Plans for a huge ice rink covering the town square during the Christmas festivities have been shelved following fears it would pose too great a danger to the public.

One Petersfield market stall holder thought he had the answer to the problem, however, while at the same time making him a small fortune.

Mr Squarepants, who runs the market stall that stocks foam, but never seems to sell any, proposed that the iconic statue be wrapped in foam for the event, thus protecting the skaters from its hard angled edges.

But haberdasher Matt Tress, complained that the large rink would reduce the number of shoppers that could fit into the centre of town, having an adverse effect on his takings.

Members of the Festivities Committee could not come to an agreement over the issue and the ambitious plan was shelved.

The good news for the Petersfield public is that anybody needing foam will inevitably see Mr Squarepants, surrounded by his never changing stock, at the weekend.