‘What us?’ say Petersfield mums

Veuve Clicquot Molotov Cocktails, shaken not stirred.

Petersfield mums have recoiled in shock after the dawning realisation that the Con-Dem government cuts will actually apply to them.

Pulling on her black balaclava moments before ramming a double buggy through the plate glass doors of the 99p shop, one yummy mummy who refused to be named said: “How dare they suggest that our Surestart playgroup might close!

“When I heard that lots of cuts were needed to save the country I naturally assumed, like all right-minded people, that it would only be lesbian theatre groups, unemployed northerners and people in council houses that would suffer.

“I’m outraged that anyone could even think of shutting down our Surestart group – my little Tarquin loves going along. Just think of the children!”

Another young mum – her face disguised by a scarf (Hermes naturally) - held off lighting her Molotov cocktail to tell us: “Surely no-one can seriously suggest that our Surestart centre is less important than NHS operations for poor people.

“If they close it down, I may have to dip into my husband’s bonus from Lloyds to pay for a private nursery – and why should I do that just so that some lazy old pensioner can carry on getting the so called winter fuel allowance?”

Council sheds everything

A council employee illustrates how much extra cash

has been allocated to public services for 2011

Under unprecedented financial pressure, Petersfield’s local council has published a list of cuts it plans to make to public services. This isn't it:

1. Hundreds of unwanted wooden sheds, bought at great expense for the Christmas Festival a few years ago and now rotting in a lock-up off Bedford Road, will be converted into green burial caskets and leased to the dead on a timeshare basis. Hurry while stocks last.

2. Petersfield Library is to move into a converted wooden shed from East Hampshire District Council’s (EHDC) Christmas stockpile. The library will also be merged with the hearing-aid shop so half the customers will spend all day going "shussh" while the others reply "pardon?". Saves £6,000.

3. £22,000 cut from Residents Home Improvement grants. Future applicants will be given a wooden shed and told "stop moaning or we'll rehouse you in Havant".

4. Corners will be cut in Petersfield town centre as the Market Square is reduced by 25 per cent and renamed the Market Triangle. Planners recognise the kebab van will be unable to navigate the new 60 degree corners so EHDC has kindly offered the use of a replacement wooden shed.

5. £9,000 of cash put behind the bars of councillors' chosen pubs every year is to be withdrawn. The money was handed over to "ensure members of the public could use the pub toilets" like they can in, say, a pub. Instead it will be used for councillors’ tipples…

6. A fleet of limousines used to take every member of council staff to and from Overspennds Place, out to Monoloco for lunch and off to the pub to "use the lavatory" is to be replaced by sheds on wheels, driven by pixies.

A spokesman for the council said: "Don't blame me - you voted the buggers in!"