Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mac appeal

Francesca; a needy case with her newly donated Hunters 

An urgent appeal has been made for macs, wellies and even umbrellas after the village of Langrish was struck by a deadly puddle.

“When it rains an enormous puddle forms at the side of the road – it’s terrifying!” said passer-by Mrs Kreata Drama. “One day someone is going to get quite damp if this is allowed to continue.”

A new campaign group, Concerned Residents Against Puddles (CRAP), is calling on the government, council or anybody else they can think of to act by building levees or flood banks to prevent a splashing disaster.

In the meantime a public appeal has been made to help those in need.

Wellington boots (Hunters only), macs (Burberry if possible) and umbrellas (Armani or Brigg) are urgently needed. If you have any of these items to spare, please drop them off at the Langrish House Hotel for distribution to frightened residents.

Please don’t drive through the puddle on your way – or you could just be contributing to the impending doom.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh dear: Petersfield Newswire budget cut

F ll wing the G vernment’s ‘C mprehensive Spending Review’ the Petersfield Newswire has had its budget slashed by 1/26th .

C nsequently all news items in future will be written with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’.

A sp kesman f r Newswire said: “Unf rtunately we are as liable t cuts as any ther w rthless b dy and theref re have taken the brave – s me might say f lhardy decisi n – t d away with the letter , spelt ‘ h’, in all future news items.

“We sympathise with readers – particularly th se wh d n’t live in Petersfield – but they will s n bec me used t d ing with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’. This is just ne f the many knee-jerk cutbacks f rced up n s ciety by the C n-Dem c aliti n, but ur readers will have n truck with that as they v ted f r them in the first place.”

Petersfield Newswire is n t the nly east Hampshire rganisati n t be hit hard. Defence cuts mean East Hampshire MP Julian Hindsight will n l nger be able t sit n de-fence and will have t pr ffer a view  n the issues f the day.

Residents are likely t find prices rising in Waitr se, with  rganic, gluten-free Italian bread retailing at s mewhere near the gr ss d mestic pr duct f a small East African republic.

It’s n t all bad news, h wever. Prime Minister David ‘James’ Camer n – the direct r f such epics as Titanic, Avatar and The Bullingd n Club 2: This Time It’s n Expenses – and Chancell r Ge rge sb rne-H use are n t affected by the cuts.

A sp kesman c nfirmed: “The c untry can sleep safe in the kn wledge that b th gentlemen are immune fr m the cuts as they have rather large family estates up n which they can rely.”

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Petersfield's new MP hurt in fence-sitting incident

Being an MP is a lot harder than Julian Hindsight expected...

Petersfield MP Julian Hindsight was rushed to hospital this week – to have a fence removed from his arse.

The incident followed his call for a referendum on plans for an eco-town at Bordon.

“I’d like everyone to vote on the issue because I’ve been very firmly dithering over this for some time and I really can’t make up my mind,” he mumbled.

In a move that should make him popular with his Liberal coalition bedfellows the Tory added: "Obviously I’d like to see lots more houses built in an eco fashion but I don’t want to offend any constituents that live nearby.

“This decision-making business is a lot harder than I imagined - in fact if we could have a referendum on everything I wouldn’t have to stand up for anything.”

Hindsight’s referendum call follows previous sideline-sitting over issues like the closure of Alton Magistrates’ Court – which hears Petersfield cases - leaving unfortunate criminals facing the long journey to Aldershot to be let off.

The MP was also undecided on whether to oppose the closure of Petersfield’s Grange Birth Centre following a baby boom (!).

“I’m here to protect local services … but we are the natural party of slash and burn, and you did vote for us,” said Mr Hindsight from his position on the fence.

“I have decided that I will campaign for more consultation and for local voices to be heard on all vital subjects – before we go with the original plans anyway.”

The fence removal operation was unable to be carried out at Petersfield Hospital due to Con-Dem cuts, but luckily a private clinic was available…

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Special delivery

 The hole in Petersfield Town Square

Precautions taken by Petersfield Town Council, shoring up the statue of William III in the town square have proven extremely prudent, as cracks in the paving widened, giving way to a gaping hole very nearby.

The hole appeared over night and only this morning was the reason for the rift evident to locals, as a Chilean flag appeared from the depths, to be planted at the hole-side.

‘Rescued’ miners then started appearing via a pod at the rate of about one per hour. But they took one look at the queue for the Post office and jumped back down in the hole…

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Residents tread carefully as anger becomes pride

Dominic Thirst's work has been shortlisted for the Turner Prize

Residents’ anger turned to pride in a village near Petersfield when they realised tyres they believed had been “dumped” were in fact a shortlisted entrant for the Turner Prize.

The Petersfield Proust reported that homeowners in Cockshott Lane, Froxfield, were “appalled” last Sunday morning to find more than 60 tyres dumped all along the lane.

Residents had complained that some of the tyres had “slashes across them and others were bald” suggesting they may not have been quite so “appalled” had they been new and usable.

One anonymous resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “It was absolutely awful. The whole lane was strewn with all these tyres and was completely blocked off to people looking to let their dogs have a shit.”

But following East Hampshire District Council’s assertion that “It’s a classic case of professional flytipping”, local artist Dominic Thirst admitted it was part of a modern art project entitled “Angry Residents”.

The Petersfield-based loon, famed for his contemporary and controversial art works including “half-a-sixpence suspended in TommySteeledahide”” and “unmade flatpack wardrobe”, said: “I spent hours setting up the tyres in an exact geometrical pattern only for interfering busybodies to come along, allow their dogs to piss on them and then complain to the local paper.

“They should be proud.”

One resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “We are so proud that Froxfield has been chosen to exhibit this masterful piece of work by one of the country’s leading young nut-jobs.”

Renowned art critic, snob and camp commentator Brian Sewell was unavailable for comment.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Queue Goes Sky High

Things are looking up at Petersfield Post Office 

Petersfield Post Office has come up with a unique solution to its queuing problem.

The massive line of people waiting to check their parcels against the impenetrable new rules for posting – or simply wanting to buy car insurance or change pounds into Turkish lire – has become world famous after snaking halfway round the town for months.

However, queues across the Square are now a thing of the past thanks to a new multi-storey queuing platform that has been erected on the front of the Post Office building.

Queue-ers can now go up instead of across – to the delight of market traders and anyone trying to park illegally for a few minutes while nipping into a charity shop or estate agent.

“Never let it be said that we’re intransigent old bastards who don’t care about our customers,” said Post Office manager Dee Livery.

Architects have also said they will wait to see how well the new multi-tiered system works, but if all goes according to plan, beds and toilets could be added to the upper levels for those who will be subjected to longer delays.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Petersfield Festivities to have a new 'edge'

Tossing the grissini has proved popular at the annual Eton garden party

A 22-year-old Petersfield man is looking to involve the town’s residents more after over the running of the town’s Festivities.

Pen Ury, a lecher at a women’s gym and part-time editor of What Scone? Monthly, has lived in Petersfield all his life and aims to carry on a family tradition.

Pen explained: “My family has a long association with big projects like the Festivities and an outstanding track record.

“My great-great grandfather was the navigator on the Titanic, my great-great uncle was one of the drivers involved in the Wall Street Crash and the Nuremburg Rally, and my grandfather invented the papier-mâché internet.

“All of which could have turned a profit had things turned out differently. So I have confidence in my entrepreneurial genes.”

To attract more participation Ury is looking to incorporate events that will appeal to Petersfield’s residents.

He said: “The Highland Games, in the Highlands of Scotland, and the Eisteddfod, in the Eisteds of Wales, both attract a lot of local people because it taps into the history and the culture of the region – and that’s what I’ll be looking to do in Petersfield.”

Events under consideration for the new-look Festivities include tossing the grissini, throwing the Jimmy Choo wellington boot and artisan-cheese rolling.

For the youngsters there will be pin the tail on the Lipizzaner; hungry free-range hippos; private Operation – where somebody does it for you; Manhunt, where a butler secrets himself in one of the many domestic quarters around the town; Musical Statues, accompanied by the Petersfield Chamber Orchestra playing the whole of Wagner’s Ring cycle; and a new version of Postman’s knock, where the person who collects the most discarded red elastic bands gets to jump to the front of the queue at the town’s Post Office.

Local schools have been quick to throw their support behind the event with one young girl from fee-paying Dunnannying already planning several fundraising events.

Tamsin Hedge-Fund, mother of nine-year-old Jocasta, said: “Jocasta and some of her friends are keen to help raise some funds to support Pen’s ideas. Four of them have offered to fly economy on their winter ski trips, with the money saved being handed over, and Jocasta is planning to sit in a bath of edamame beans for 24 hours.”

With apologies to Ben Errey and with our best wishes in his efforts to make the Petersfield Festivities a success.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Petersfield's gap-year boost

Melissa Bufton-Tufton is seen here helping out the needy in Petersfield

Petersfield is hoping for an economic boost as applications surge from affluent foreign students to spend their gap year helping the downtrodden in the town.

Applications started flooding in when a leading Roman Catholic cardinal described Britain as 'a third world country', and Petersfield was pinpointed following the BBC's decision to film a Boys From The Blackstuff-style documentary about the unemployed in the area (see Badger story).

"I was going to spend my year off in Timbuktu helping one-legged orphans learn to use an iPad, but since I heard about this desolate outpost of poverty in East Hampshire I knew at once I had to offer to fly in," said Osama Bin Loaded of Riyadh.

Even Melissa Bufton-Tufton, of Monks Orchard, has put off her Cambridge degree course in managing a paternal trust fund to help out in her home town after getting 37 A* grades at Bojangles School.

"It's great," she said. "I'll be able to improve my CV without travelling to some awful place in Africa where I might not be able to plug in my straighteners. I'll be mostly doing community work - waitressing at Pizza Express and stuff like that."

Monday, October 04, 2010

An absolute shower

The 12th green at Celtic Manor, Wales 

The agency, responsible for the PR for Wales and the Ryder Cup, have proudly announced that Petersfield is a new client, this is off the back of their recent staggering performance at Celtic Manor.

People from across the world have tuned in and read about the horrendous weather conditions that threaten to greet you should you venture into Wales . On top of this, the huge delays on approach roads and tales of how spectators had to spend hours in their cars, with nothing to do, made headlines across the world.

A spokesman for Who Said There's No Such Thing As Bad PR, or WSTNSTABPR as the company is catchily known, was elated at the news.

"I can confirm that we have been contracted to do some work for Petersfield by Mr Phil Anthropist, I must stress that this contract is not supported or paid for by Petersfield Town Council, who unfortunately have yet to be convinced about the merits of our appointment."

Mr Anthropist was delighted that WSTNSTABPR had accepted the challenge. He told us: "This is a turning point for our quaint old market town.

"For months now developers have been banging on about how necessary it is to build an extra 36,000 homes in the surrounding area. How Petersfield is a place where everybody wants to be, and how we need to be able to accommodate all comers. We are sure our friends at WSTNSTABPR will be able to change all that.

"The remit is simple, just do what they did in Wales and ensure nobody wants to come here.

"Even the money-grabbing developers won't build here if they really believe that they will struggle to sell their homes for big profits.

Speaking on behalf of developers Stack 'Em High, Sly Back-Hander defended the position of developers associated with the local projects. He said: "We have carried out a cost-effective assessment of the need for new housing in the area, and all our tests have proved conclusively positive.

"We have had researchers out for over an hour, establishing how busy roads in the area, and as you probably already know they are very, very busy.

"If there is traffic, this is an area where people want to be, so there is clearly a need to build new homes.