Operation Model Search

Dr Who?

No sooner have Albert Einstein's theories concerning the space time continuum been called into question, than ground-breaking time travel is now been rendered possible here in Petersfield.

When we recall famous scientific ventures we more often think of CERN's Large Hadron Collider or the launch site at Cape Canaveral, but this week it is Petersfield's Rams Walk that has made the headlines.

On Saturday morning an experiment conducted under the codename ‘Model Search’, saw 18 volunteers strut up and down Rams Walk and systematically travel forwards and backwards in time.

The 'singularity' that facilitates the ability to travel in time, and so reduce the need for lengthy stays in Petersfield’s increasingly expensive car parks, lies directly beneath the Waitrose clock.

Why not try this out for yourself? As you approach the clock from The Square, make a note of the time and walk in the direction of the Waitrose car park. Once you have passed under the clock, glance back over your shoulder at the clock and you will see that you have travelled back in time by 1 hours and 11 minutes.

Any concerns can be easily mitigated by walking back under the clock in the other direction and completely reversing the effect.

Trudy Wormhole, a spokesperson for Model Search said: “We were pushed into this by yet another increase in the car park fee. Now, if you are staying in town for more than two of our normal Earth hours, or if you are late returning to your car, you can avoid receiving a fine simply by passing under the Waitrose clock!

“In fact if you are staying for less than 1 hour and 11 minutes, you can avoid paying anything at all, by getting to your vehicle in time to stop yourself spending a pound on a ticket…”

Speaking on behalf of Waitrose, Pat Hay-Foygraz, said: “I really don’t know what to say, but I can confirm we are promoting two meals for £10 at the moment.”

We asked David Tennant, once famous starey-eyed time-traveller what he thought of the situation, he told Newswire: “Two meals for a tenner sounds alright to me.”

All change to no change

Petersfield parking tokens

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has announced that it expects to earn an extra 30 pence per day when the increased car park tolls take effect on October 1.

The minimum price is set to rise from 90p to £1, in Petersfield’s largest two car parks* but the reality is that most paying car park users shove a pound coin in the slot anyway.

Waitrose shopper May Dermunny said: “I really can’t be bothered to scratch around for change and always pop a pound coin in the machine.”

Bell Hill old-timer Arthur Wrytiz chimed in: “The Waitrose car park takes small change right down to a 5p piece, but I find it takes me ages to feed a number of coins into the machine, especially when it spits half of them back out again.”

Ray Kittin, manager of EHDC’s ‘Unwanted Gold’ campaign, explained: “First of all we want to make it quite clear that we are only raising the prices to improve the parking experience for all Petersfield residents.

“We all know what it’s like to stand in the cold when an annoying old duffer is struggling with his or her small change, or some inconsiderate yummy mummy is taking the opportunity to show her precious Hermione how to feed small coins into the machine.

“From October, not only will the price of a two-hour stay rise from 90p to £1 but also only pound coins will be accepted. Actually that’s not strictly true, two pound coins will also be accepted, but no change given. And that’s in the 50 per cent of machines that are actually in working order at any given time.

“While we accept that we will not make much profit from this increase, with most people already paying a pound, the small profits we do make should pay for the new signage and adaptations to the machines by 2043.”

*The calculation of which are Petersfield’s largest car parks does not include the town itself, which is to all intents and purposes one big car park these days.

Petersfield's town-centre survey reveals stuff

An artist's impression of how the town centre will

look in 2012 with, left, and without investment

A survey among Petersfield residents to discover which businesses should fill vacant lots in the town has thrown up few surprises.

Top of the list was a ‘second Waitrose with parking only for 4x4s’ closely followed by Barbour. ‘A Porsche dealership’ was third, while Primark had support from only one per cent of those surveyed coming out of Waitrose. Fortnum & Mason was another popular choice among the middle-aged.

Major Hold-Ups, a retired army veteran who now works for the Highways Agency, threw his weight behind an ‘Army Recruiting Office’.

“That’d sort ‘em out,” he blustered. “Oh, and an S&M club. Not much by way of that around here currently.”

A surprising number of people surveyed coming out of the 99p Store said they would welcome a 98p Shop as “times were hard”.

Teenagers admitted they preferred to shop “anywhere rather than Petersfield” and their most popular shops were those used either by their peers or by some twat on TV.

A DIY store and garden centre is sadly lacking according to Charlie Dimmock and Tommy Walsh, who live at Titchmarsh, near Alton.

Dimmock said: “We believe the town would benefit from a water feature and some decking; but since Focus closed there’s simply nowhere to buy the essential pieces.” 

Other popular choices included coffee shops, ‘upmarket’ charity shops, a store when you can buy extended guarantees and a delicatessen specialising in sun-dried tomatoes.

East Hampshire Council, which conducted the survey, admitted that most of the answers had been predictable and that the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money.

A spokesman said: “Most of the answers were predictable and the survey was, to all intents and purposes, a waste of money. It didn’t matter what stores people want they’re not going to move into Petersfield town centre until the rents drop substantially. And that’s not going to happen all the time the landlords want to turn the properties into flats.

“Without some investment the town centre could become a ghost town – or a car park, and it’s well on its way to that as anybody visiting on a Sunday will tell you.”

The drugs issues were so last year

 One of Bojangles sandpits yesterday

Petersfield’s Bojangles School has hit the news again after a sex-fuelled romp by 13-year-old students was splashed across the national papers.

It is claimed several children indulged in a sex-crazed orgy in the school sandpit after drinking whisky stolen from Waitrose.

Head teacher Al Truist asked Newswire to emphasise the whisky came from Waitrose.

He said: “We have a long-standing relationship with Waitrose, and I wouldn’t want the public to think that our students obtain their commodities from any other Petersfield store.”

When quizzed on the sandpit-alcohol-fuelled-sex romp he didn’t seem at all surprised or worried.

He added: “It’s all about the kind of clientele we are trying to attract; we pride ourselves here at Bojangles in moulding the students’ necessary life skills – the qualities they will need as they venture out into the big wide world.

“These requirements vary from establishment to establishment, but here we have to cater for the needs of the progeny of the rich and famous.

“Jude Law is one of our current group of high profile parents and former pupils have included model Sophie Dahl, actor Daniel Day-Lewis and pop star Lily Allen.

“It is simply not enough to tutor these people how to make clay pots ... Sex and drugs and rock and roll definitely need to be on the syllabus and these pupils were simply involved in a ‘practical’.”

"A site for sore eyes" says journalist with sore eyes...

Renoir's Bloke Smoking Carrot is one of the many

valuable works of art on display in the cultural town of Petersfield

Life in Petersfield magazine has launched an investigation into how Petersfield Newswire has been nominated for recognition in the publication’s annual community awards.

The spoof news website is on a shortlist of three for the arts and entertainment award – a decision which shocked the magazine’s deputy editor, Ed Vertisement.

He said: “I suspect foul play here as how a largely irrelevant and unfunny website such as Petersfield Newswire can be more popular than some of the other candidates in a town with such a cultural pedigree is beyond me.

“Look at some of the worthy groups and facilities who have been left off the list. There’s that bloke in the shiny suit who turns up to the opening of a crisp packet; that young stand-up comic lady with the downmarket magazines at the top of Rams Walk; and the town’s world-renowned gallery of Comedy Club signs.

“All of these are far more worthy than a website – it doesn’t even carry advertising for heaven’s sake!”

Other groups and events who have expressed disappointment at being omitted from the list include the Petersfield Philharmonic Orchestra, a touring production of Chekhov’s little-known play Uncle Vanya Visits a Farmers’ Market, Owen’s Ring Cycle Shop Operatic Society, Bojangles School’s exhibition of business-class gap-year air tickets, a bloke called Keith who can play La Marseillaise on a 19^th century copper kettle and the hilarious South-West Trains timetable.

A spokesman for Petersfield Newswire, who was prepared to be known only as Jeffrey Archer, admitted: “It came as a shock to us too. We didn’t realise anybody actually read our stuff. There has been a suggestion that residents of Bordon have been voting in order to subvert the awards but I have many family members in Bordon and I refute the allegation that any of them have voted more than eight times each.

“Obviously we’re delighted to be nominated if we win; if we don’t win, we’ll just dismiss it as a meaningless piece of corporate chicanery designed to make people feel valued. We suspect it will probably be the latter.”

Voting for the Life in Petersfield community awards arts and entertainment category has now closed. Any votes you make now will not be counted but you may still be charged through the nose, particularly if you visit Waitrose or the farmers’ market.

Petersfield's market survives 'class-war' scare

Normally the sight of fresh fruit and veg is

sufficient to keep away the working classes...

The monthly Farmers’ Market in Petersfield Town Square went off without a hitch yesterday – despite the appearance of several working-class families.

Organiser Felicity Price-Hike admitted she breathed a sigh of relief when the unexpected guests finally moved on to the 99p Store without deterring any of the regular, affluent 4x4-driving customers.

She said: “Petersfield is hugely proud of its multi-cultural nature, mixing as we do white middle class families with white lower-middle-class families.

"Market days are a great example of this multi-culturalism. Every Wednesday and Saturday the lower orders may come into town to pick up cheap school uniforms, boxes of broken biscuits, ethnic clothing and egg-and-bacon burgers.

“But once a month the square is turned over to a market for a better class of people. It sells things the working classes would never contemplate – soap for example.

“It was always our intention to create a sort of al fresco Waitrose, only more expensive. It never occurred to us that working-class people would consider purchasing small portions of goat’s cheese for £4 a time or a loaf of bread at £2.50.

“Yesterday’s influx of lower-caste specimens came as something of a surprise and there was a stand-off on a stall selling pheasant and pigeon when one of the newcomers opined ‘How much? You’re ‘avin a larf mate…’ But thankfully that was the closest we came to actual confrontation.”

She continued: “They even went to the effort of wearing country-check shirts, wax jackets and wellies, but we weren’t fooled. For a start the mothers didn’t have bob haircuts and they were driving rear-wheel drive cars – a dead giveaway.

“After about 10 minutes laughing and pointing at price-tags they moved off to get a coffee and wandered down to the 99p Store. Fortunately we had a local member of the Working-Class Watch Scheme keep an eye on them.”

Admiral Carr-Insurance Retd, of Toff Totty Drive, Steep, confessed he had not noticed any strangers.

“We were all too busy doing our monthly shop,” he smiled. “I picked up a whole sackful of game, bread and cheese for under £500 and I was too busy telling my friends about it and thrashing the valet to notice any ‘incidents’.”

Police confirmed the market went off without a hitch.

Constable Haywain said: “We did hear reports of insurgents in Petersfield, but as none of us have a clue where Petersfield is we just let nature take its course.”

Oh dear: Petersfield Newswire budget cut

F ll wing the G vernment’s ‘C mprehensive Spending Review’ the Petersfield Newswire has had its budget slashed by 1/26th .

C nsequently all news items in future will be written with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’.

A sp kesman f r Newswire said: “Unf rtunately we are as liable t cuts as any ther w rthless b dy and theref re have taken the brave – s me might say f lhardy decisi n – t d away with the letter , spelt ‘ h’, in all future news items.

“We sympathise with readers – particularly th se wh d n’t live in Petersfield – but they will s n bec me used t d ing with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’. This is just ne f the many knee-jerk cutbacks f rced up n s ciety by the C n-Dem c aliti n, but ur readers will have n truck with that as they v ted f r them in the first place.”

Petersfield Newswire is n t the nly east Hampshire rganisati n t be hit hard. Defence cuts mean East Hampshire MP Julian Hindsight will n l nger be able t sit n de-fence and will have t pr ffer a view  n the issues f the day.

Residents are likely t find prices rising in Waitr se, with  rganic, gluten-free Italian bread retailing at s mewhere near the gr ss d mestic pr duct f a small East African republic.

It’s n t all bad news, h wever. Prime Minister David ‘James’ Camer n – the direct r f such epics as Titanic, Avatar and The Bullingd n Club 2: This Time It’s n Expenses – and Chancell r Ge rge sb rne-H use are n t affected by the cuts.

A sp kesman c nfirmed: “The c untry can sleep safe in the kn wledge that b th gentlemen are immune fr m the cuts as they have rather large family estates up n which they can rely.”

Outspoofed … hook, line and sinker

Done up a kipper

A leading Petersfield online news site has slammed a town supermarket for undermining its spoofing ability.

The protest follows a real life bomb scare at Waitrose after staff and police got scared by a bag full of, er, fishing tackle (no honestly).

The incident left the store closed for nearly two hours with large parts of the central car park cordoned off by police, who sat around in cars waiting for a bomb disposal team to deal with the floats, hooks and split shot.

“This put us to shame,” said a red-faced spokesman for Petersfield Newswire, which had earlier in the week blamed the incident on a ‘sun-dried tomato and organic hummus sandwich’…

“How were we to know the real scare was even more ludicrous than we could have imagined?” wailed Newswire frontman DJ. “They’ve made us look like a right bunch of Charlies – if I wasn’t paranoid I’d say they’d done it deliberately just to set us up.”

A police spokesman said “We have to take all incidents of this kind very seriously - for all we knew it could have been a suicide angler.”

Get your kitsch out for the lads...

REVEALED (in a tabloid style): The last set of tacky Petersfield souvenirs as created by three groups you've never heard of who are calling the town 'The Windermere of the South'.

SNOWDOME

Just one shake brings a light flurry of flakes to this charming street scene which is at a total standstill because of the snow.

(MORE) POST OFFICE QUEUEVENIRS

End Of The Line: Own this classic shot by local photographer Len Scap which depicts the start of the Post Office queue in its typical location at the bottom of Lavant Street. Available for £25 in the library or £130 in Waitrose.

PJs welcome at Waitrose

A Petersfield supermarket has declared war on Tesco's pyjama ban by welcoming shoppers wearing nightwear.

Waitrose boss Nigel Side-Parting said: "We have no objection to anyone nipping in near closing time wearing their PJs - unless they're made by George at Asda of course.

"What we definitely don't like to see is fat women in tight leggings, those daft Peruvian hats, and people wearing track suit trousers when it's quite evident they haven't indulged in any form of exercise since they were at school."

A spokesman for Morrisons at Horndean added: "We don't care if you dress like a ****ing tramp as long as you're spending money."