An appeal to our loyal readers ... from a reader

Dear Newswire,

I was wondering if you would consider using the massive reach of your excellent web site to publicise a very deserving local cause?

As you know, a bus runs back and forth between Penns Place and the town centre. This, I assume, is for the (free, I sincerely hope) use of EHDC employees, to save them - and the environment, bless them - from using their cars to go into Petersfield.  

Until recently, when paying the 90p for the town centre car parks, many other motorists fed a £1 coin into the machine and did not concern their well-heeled selves about the 10p they lost in the transaction. Those 10p overspends were duly collected up and used to provide free snacks, treats and sustaining drinks on the above mentioned bus, to sustain EHDC employees as they journeyed to and fro.

Now, alas, the parking fee has risen to £1 and so all those 10p "donations" are no more.

As a result, the poor wretches from EHDC have to travel un-fed and un-refreshed. So I am asking your fine readers to subscribe to a fund that has been set up, to once more provide Kit Kats, Tizer and other necessities for this beleaguered workforce. 

Please make your donation at www.bornandgottobekept.co.uk. 

Bless you all,

Harold Backhouse

Internet bosses declare cyber war on EHDC

Thrilling stuff

Porn barons have joined forces with  Farcebook and Twatter bosses in a furious reaction to East Hampshire District Council’s decision to show council meetings live online.

“I’m furious!” declared Stevie Sleeze, marketing director for boobsonline. “How can we compete with that? It’s all right for them with their exciting debates about footpaths, bus-stops and environmental health licensing – but they’re paying for this internet dominance with taxpayers’ money.

“I mean they’re even talking about a live feed of the debate about dustbin collection times for goodness sake. All I can offer is ‘lusty milfs on bikes’ and ‘teenage vampires in thongs’ – who’s going to be interested in that now?

“It’s a disgrace! During a recession councils should be doing more to encourage entrepreneurs like me, not putting us out of business with their subsidised online excitement.”

Even Farcebook chief executive Marky Zukerberg-Friendslist took time out from tinkering with the format of nine billion users’ home pages and siphoning away the personal information of everyone on the planet to declare: “I’m seriously worried. If this thing takes off, we’re finished – look what happened to those losers at MySpace.”

And Twatter boss Mark ‘Elvis’ Costolo said: “I 8 ths, so unfr bit.lyurlehdc…”

Council don’t see big picture

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

 

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

 

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

 

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

 

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

 

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

 

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

All change to no change

Petersfield parking tokens

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has announced that it expects to earn an extra 30 pence per day when the increased car park tolls take effect on October 1.

The minimum price is set to rise from 90p to £1, in Petersfield’s largest two car parks* but the reality is that most paying car park users shove a pound coin in the slot anyway.

Waitrose shopper May Dermunny said: “I really can’t be bothered to scratch around for change and always pop a pound coin in the machine.”

Bell Hill old-timer Arthur Wrytiz chimed in: “The Waitrose car park takes small change right down to a 5p piece, but I find it takes me ages to feed a number of coins into the machine, especially when it spits half of them back out again.”

Ray Kittin, manager of EHDC’s ‘Unwanted Gold’ campaign, explained: “First of all we want to make it quite clear that we are only raising the prices to improve the parking experience for all Petersfield residents.

“We all know what it’s like to stand in the cold when an annoying old duffer is struggling with his or her small change, or some inconsiderate yummy mummy is taking the opportunity to show her precious Hermione how to feed small coins into the machine.

“From October, not only will the price of a two-hour stay rise from 90p to £1 but also only pound coins will be accepted. Actually that’s not strictly true, two pound coins will also be accepted, but no change given. And that’s in the 50 per cent of machines that are actually in working order at any given time.

“While we accept that we will not make much profit from this increase, with most people already paying a pound, the small profits we do make should pay for the new signage and adaptations to the machines by 2043.”

*The calculation of which are Petersfield’s largest car parks does not include the town itself, which is to all intents and purposes one big car park these days.

Partying no longer black and white

Back in the days when you didn't have to pay to throw a party

East Hampshire District Council has labelled local people "party poopers" after none of them has paid for the council's Royal Wedding street party application form costing £21.

Angel D. Lite who heads the council's Department for Spoiling our Fun said: "We simply can't understand why people won't pay us lots of money for the privilege of filling in a form. Under the Government's Big Society plans, everybody should be filling in forms all the time, not just council officials between the hours of 9.30am and 4.30pm (3pm on Fridays)."

"We were so certain that everybody in the area would want these forms the councillors had planned to throw one belter of a party with the money we'd expected to raise. We'd even asked the Post Office how they deal with large queues so we could ignore their advice."

Without a properly filled-in form, the council will not permit any local resident to drink, play music, smile or laugh after dusk or indulge in any form of dancing. Special patrols will watch for unregulated gyrations and illegal rhythmic leg movement. Foot-tapping is a grey area.

Ms Lite said: "The Royal Wedding is the ideal time act on impulse and throw caution to the wind. We want to see spontaneous celebrations breaking out all over Petersfield, so long as we're given £21 and ten working days notice."

Refuse collectors refuse collections

Choose a bin, any bin...

Owing to the snow, the bin collections in Petersfield are up the spout. But Petersfield Newswire is here to simplify EHDC's new arrangements for you:

• Recycling and ecological green waste should go in the black bins which may look white due to the amount of snow on them.
• Non-green waste should go in the green bins, which also may look white for the same reason.
• Houses with odd numbers in the north of the area that did not get their refuse collected last week but were expecting a recycling collection this week won’t.
• Houses with even numbers that did receive a recycling collection last week shouldn’t have. This will be returned but transferred into your green bin.
• Houses with names, not numbers, can pay for private collections.
• Bins should be left on the pavement which you can find under the snow.
• Bins must not cause an obstruction. Under no circumstances leave bins on pavements.

Full details from East Hampshire District Council - experts in waste.

Heath Rd residents learn the hole story

This CCTV shot shows the damage inflicted

- and the party responsible

East Hants District Council has made a breakthrough discovery which is certain to delight the townsfolk who live in the posh big houses opposite the Heath.

For years now, the road surface in Heath Road, has been dug up and repaired on what sometimes seems like a daily basis.

Council workmen are regularly rushed to the scene after the rich people in the street ring up to complain that there is “another hole”. Often held to ransom by the influential people who make the call, the council feel duty bound to swiftly make good the damage before it inconveniences or embarrasses local residents.

Nobody had any idea who or what was causing the damage, but this week a surveillance team, set up to watch the road, caught the culprit red-handed, or perhaps that should be red-clawed.

The perpetrator was a mole.

EHDC employee, Doug Rhodes, who spotted and captured the mole, said: “This is no ordinary mole; its claws are unbelievably sharp. It cut me to ribbons trying to grab hold of the little bugger. I’m sure it’s some sort of mutation. Good job I was on double time.”