Mitre been more careful

If you look closely you can just make out that Bishop X

has flicked screens from the Order of Service to the Newswire site 

A popular Church of England Bishop has been demitred after being spotted surfing a Petersfield website on his Episcopal laptop during the wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate Middleton yesterday.

The high-ranking clergyman who for legal reasons needs to be referred to as Bishop X, has said he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his actions, but hopes the Church can find it within itself to forgive him.

Bishop X went on to explain that the Newswire website had recently had an explosion in popularity and he could not resist logging on to see the latest news.

The Bishop was spotted looking at the internet site when an estimated 230 million viewers were watching him deliver a blessing to the happy couple. Many eagle-eyed viewers saw him looking at the increasingly popular website during the wedding rather than the Order of Service.

Bishop X provided fellow clergymen with evidence of the site’s popularity (see below), saying that he was addicted to it and couldn’t refrain from checking out the latest stories.

Bishop X's hard evidence 

The Bishop had persuaded Church of England officials to let him use a laptop rather than a standard Order of Service and that temptation had clearly proved too great.

Bishop X told us: “Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting, Daniel c.5 v.27.”

We asked him what this meant and he told us he wasn’t sure.

Shiny Happy People

The man in the shiny suit, in fancy dress, at the Petersfield Food Festival

It is the long-awaited day and the townsfolk of Petersfield, along with millions across the nation are set to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Petersfield show-off “The man in the shiny suit” caught the 9:18am train to Waterloo this morning so that he can be in London for the big day.

Newswire understands he will be making a bee-line for Pall Mall near Horse Guards Parade to possibly catch a glimpse of the bride's carriage as it trundles past.

To mark the momentous occasion he will unsurprisingly dress in one of his standard shiny suits, wearing his normal diamante bow tie, shiny top hat and gloves.

The man in the shiny suit told Newswire: “I know I’m leaving it a bit late but to be quite honest I just can’t be arsed with it all.

“Yes, yes, I know” he said, when it was pointed out that throngs of people had put in huge amounts of effort, travelling from around the world and camping out on the streets that line the route of the royal carriage for days.

“I know I have no chance of getting anywhere near the front but, so what.”

He told Newswire resignedly: “To be honest I was rather hoping for an invitation.

“I’ve met a few members of the royal family at various functions over the years and Prince Andrew even bought me a drink once!

“Every time I attend a royal event I wear one of these ruddy boiling bacofoil suits, waving union flags and sporting a fixed grin; this was their chance to show some sign of appreciation.

“Hugely disappointed, that’s how I feel.

“I’ll still go, I don’t want to ruin any chance I might have of getting an MBE, but an invitation would have been nice.”

Pizza The Royal Action

 A right royal feast 

  

With only one day to go until the royal wedding, Petersfield takeaway pizza outlet Papa Don’tretch, of Chapel Street, has designed a pizza that will be the envy of pavement artists up and down the land.

Franchise owner Pete Zarrman said: “So many people have royal wedding fever that we just had to do something special to cash in on this momentous occasion.”

The staff of the pizza emporium take about 15 seconds to create the pizza using a range of sickly toppings to create the stunning effect.

Kate Middleton’s veil will comprise mushrooms and her dress is made from a selection of cheeses including a little stilton for that something blue. William’s suit has been created from salami and peppers. To finish off the image an impressionistic confetti feel is achieved by adding capers, onion, tomato, beetroot, prawns, sweet corn and cauliflower.

“The public don’t have to have any skill at all,” Zarrman said. “You simply eat the pizza and then within 20 minutes we guarantee you will be creating your own spectacular pavement portrait of Wills and Kate.

“We recommend that you bend double to apply the mix, preferably with your face about three feet from the pavement.

“We also advise that you wear an old pair of trousers and shoes; the sort of thing you might wear to paint your house.”

Partying no longer black and white

Back in the days when you didn't have to pay to throw a party

East Hampshire District Council has labelled local people "party poopers" after none of them has paid for the council's Royal Wedding street party application form costing £21.

Angel D. Lite who heads the council's Department for Spoiling our Fun said: "We simply can't understand why people won't pay us lots of money for the privilege of filling in a form. Under the Government's Big Society plans, everybody should be filling in forms all the time, not just council officials between the hours of 9.30am and 4.30pm (3pm on Fridays)."

"We were so certain that everybody in the area would want these forms the councillors had planned to throw one belter of a party with the money we'd expected to raise. We'd even asked the Post Office how they deal with large queues so we could ignore their advice."

Without a properly filled-in form, the council will not permit any local resident to drink, play music, smile or laugh after dusk or indulge in any form of dancing. Special patrols will watch for unregulated gyrations and illegal rhythmic leg movement. Foot-tapping is a grey area.

Ms Lite said: "The Royal Wedding is the ideal time act on impulse and throw caution to the wind. We want to see spontaneous celebrations breaking out all over Petersfield, so long as we're given £21 and ten working days notice."

No china crisis in Petersfield

Royal wedding souvenirs come in all shapes and sizes

- but here one size fits all

A grovelling Petersfield businesswoman has come up with a unique souvenir for the forthcoming royal wedding between Princess William and some common woman called Katie Price.

Mrs Gabby Simpering-Subject has designed a ceramic forelock, which purchasers can tug with impunity before, during and after the upper-crust nuptials.

“Everyone I know is delighted about the royal wedding and has chattered of nothing else for months,” she wittered.

“I can’t think of a better tribute than a forelock because not only can we tug it to show our undying respect we can keep it for posterity because it will always remind us just what simpletons we are.

“We’ll be able to look back and recall how we were all cheered up by watching some rich folk fritter away millions of pounds on a pointless ceremony simply to rub our noses in it during the biggest economic recession in living memory…”

Mrs Simpering-Subject added: “I once stood behind someone in a queue at Stansted airport who knew the cousin of a lady-in-waiting who poop-scooped for the royal corgis - and she was the loveliest person you could ever meet.”

The oven-blasted forelocks will be available from Long May She Reign Over Us Ceramics for £2,500 each – all proceeds will be used to sponsor cheap plastic union jacks to be handed out to anyone who can no longer afford one to wave at the big event on April 29.

NB: UK media rules insist we advise you that other things to do on April 29 are available

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.