Mitre been more careful

If you look closely you can just make out that Bishop X

has flicked screens from the Order of Service to the Newswire site 

A popular Church of England Bishop has been demitred after being spotted surfing a Petersfield website on his Episcopal laptop during the wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate Middleton yesterday.

The high-ranking clergyman who for legal reasons needs to be referred to as Bishop X, has said he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his actions, but hopes the Church can find it within itself to forgive him.

Bishop X went on to explain that the Newswire website had recently had an explosion in popularity and he could not resist logging on to see the latest news.

The Bishop was spotted looking at the internet site when an estimated 230 million viewers were watching him deliver a blessing to the happy couple. Many eagle-eyed viewers saw him looking at the increasingly popular website during the wedding rather than the Order of Service.

Bishop X provided fellow clergymen with evidence of the site’s popularity (see below), saying that he was addicted to it and couldn’t refrain from checking out the latest stories.

Bishop X's hard evidence 

The Bishop had persuaded Church of England officials to let him use a laptop rather than a standard Order of Service and that temptation had clearly proved too great.

Bishop X told us: “Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting, Daniel c.5 v.27.”

We asked him what this meant and he told us he wasn’t sure.

Shiny Happy People

The man in the shiny suit, in fancy dress, at the Petersfield Food Festival

It is the long-awaited day and the townsfolk of Petersfield, along with millions across the nation are set to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Petersfield show-off “The man in the shiny suit” caught the 9:18am train to Waterloo this morning so that he can be in London for the big day.

Newswire understands he will be making a bee-line for Pall Mall near Horse Guards Parade to possibly catch a glimpse of the bride's carriage as it trundles past.

To mark the momentous occasion he will unsurprisingly dress in one of his standard shiny suits, wearing his normal diamante bow tie, shiny top hat and gloves.

The man in the shiny suit told Newswire: “I know I’m leaving it a bit late but to be quite honest I just can’t be arsed with it all.

“Yes, yes, I know” he said, when it was pointed out that throngs of people had put in huge amounts of effort, travelling from around the world and camping out on the streets that line the route of the royal carriage for days.

“I know I have no chance of getting anywhere near the front but, so what.”

He told Newswire resignedly: “To be honest I was rather hoping for an invitation.

“I’ve met a few members of the royal family at various functions over the years and Prince Andrew even bought me a drink once!

“Every time I attend a royal event I wear one of these ruddy boiling bacofoil suits, waving union flags and sporting a fixed grin; this was their chance to show some sign of appreciation.

“Hugely disappointed, that’s how I feel.

“I’ll still go, I don’t want to ruin any chance I might have of getting an MBE, but an invitation would have been nice.”

Pizza The Royal Action

 A right royal feast 

  

With only one day to go until the royal wedding, Petersfield takeaway pizza outlet Papa Don’tretch, of Chapel Street, has designed a pizza that will be the envy of pavement artists up and down the land.

Franchise owner Pete Zarrman said: “So many people have royal wedding fever that we just had to do something special to cash in on this momentous occasion.”

The staff of the pizza emporium take about 15 seconds to create the pizza using a range of sickly toppings to create the stunning effect.

Kate Middleton’s veil will comprise mushrooms and her dress is made from a selection of cheeses including a little stilton for that something blue. William’s suit has been created from salami and peppers. To finish off the image an impressionistic confetti feel is achieved by adding capers, onion, tomato, beetroot, prawns, sweet corn and cauliflower.

“The public don’t have to have any skill at all,” Zarrman said. “You simply eat the pizza and then within 20 minutes we guarantee you will be creating your own spectacular pavement portrait of Wills and Kate.

“We recommend that you bend double to apply the mix, preferably with your face about three feet from the pavement.

“We also advise that you wear an old pair of trousers and shoes; the sort of thing you might wear to paint your house.”

Party Poppers for Party Poopers

Petersfield has been the scene of huge confusion that has seemingly deterred many from throwing street parties to celebrate the imminent royal wedding.
 
The residents of the South Downs National Park town are renowned up and down the land for popping open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot or six at the drop of a top hat, but East Hants District Council (EHDC) has confirmed that no-one wants to party to celebrate William and Kate's nuptials.

 Not much of a bang for Wills and Kate

A headline in the Petersfield Proust indicated that following an edict by EHDC, party poppers would cost £21, and this appears to have deterred many from wanting to join in on the day.

Annie Hicks-Kews, a self-declared royalist who always likes to let her hair down explained why there was such a level of disinterest.

“It's all down to the party poppers thing dahling,” she said. “It’s a bit like Christmas crackers; you wouldn’t be seen dead pulling a Christmas cracker which had come from a box costing less than say £60.

“Fortnum’s do reasonable Crimbo crackers and you can always fall back on Harrods if you are completely stuck, but the branding is the key.
 
“With the party poppers, I can't bear to think what sort of cheap tack these are going to be if they only cost £21? Will they be from that cheap Norwegian shop? Widdle, or whatever it's called.

“And of course it has a knock-on effect: if the price is too low, the standard of hors d’oeuvres and crudités will inevitably drop. Then before you know where you are, you’re drinking second-rate champers and every oik in the street would be wanting to join in.

“It simply won’t do.”

Worlds Apart

The helmet that is looking to take over Petersfield

  

Newswire has received pictures throughout the year from some of its adoring fans, capturing the far-flung places from which they have logged on to catch up on events back in Petersfield.

Some show readers logging on in Ulan Bator, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and even Liverpool, although that reader did latterly have his laptop stolen.

But there was absolutely no contest for our 2010 winner, who managed to log on to the lunar version of our website whilst walking on the moon.

Our congratulations go to a local property developer, who treated himself to a journey into space with some of the profits he has made over the last couple of years.

He said: "It's simple, you take over a pub that isn't doing too well, close it down, if necessary make it into an eyesore and then get planning permission to turn the building into 50 or so flats.

"There is no limit to the amount of profit you can reap this way, providing you don't mind making yourself a little bit unpopular. As they say kids, Infinity and beyond!"

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.