Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Kyle be damned

A Havant resident causes havoc in Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square
when he gets hold of the remote

Petersfield town's residents' hopes of being able to watch the 2012 Olympics on a big screen look set to be dashed.

It had been hoped that the people of Petersfield would be able to enjoy the Olympics next year together, and in something of a carnival atmosphere, but this is now looking unlikely to happen.

In a recent meeting between East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) and Havant Borough Council (HBC) the possibility of sharing use of a large screen was discussed.

With the weekly cost of hiring a big screen in excess of £6000, sharing looked to be the only affordable option; but the problems of sharing a screen with Havant look insurmountable.

Jim Nastics, from EHDC, said: "The problem is that some of the main events such as the men’s 100 metres final and the opening ceremony clash with things they would want to watch in Havant, in these two specific cases... Jeremy Kyle.

 Leigh Park’s Duane Jenkins would love to have made it onto the big screen

“We have tried to come to some sort of compromise, but May Karfist, the chairman of HBC was quite insistent that Havant folk would definitely want to see their relatives or friends, should they feature in a show.

“My lot would not be happy if we paid out for a big screen only to miss a guest appearance by one of our more colourful characters. I’d ‘ave me windows put through or me Subaru torched.”

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Beautiful results in Petersfield

 Betty would never have been used for a 2011 results photoshoot

Bojangles, Petersfield’s posh school has celebrated a record year for A level results.

A spokesman for the school confirmed that in 2011 no ugly girls or any boys received A level results – only attractive young girls, as shown by the pictures sent to the Petersfield Proust and the Times Educational Supplement (TES).

The spokesman admitted: “Naturally we always get good results at Bojangles – parents who pay through the nose to send their snotty kids here would not expect anything else. But in previous years boys and unattractive girls – some right mingers among them – have achieved high grades.

“This year we were delighted it was only pretty girls who achieved their results. We were sadly short of a set of blonde twins, but we feel we did quite well with what was available to us. What’s more they were ideally unable to keep hold of the pieces of paper upon which their results were printed, constatly throwing them into the air for dramatic effect." 

“There is great competition among schools, particularly in the private sector, to produce stunningly beautiful A* students and we are proud we seem to have surpassed our rivals in this field.

“It’s all very well getting five A*s and a good degree at Oxbridge, but only high cheekbones will ultimately allow you to find a millionaire husband. At Bojangles we specialise in producing students ideally equipped for this challenge of society. Plus we also run some extra-curricula courses in cannabis growing for those unfortunate enough not to have the perfect figure.”

The TES confirmed that Bojangles had sent the newspaper “pictures of girls celebrating their GCSE results. None included male students or ‘dowdier’ girls”, while a message “from Badminton School , in Bristol , said “Just wanting to give you some details of some absolutely ‘beyootiful’ girls we’ve got here who are getting their A level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories ... They’re amazing girls.”

Following today’s release of GCSE results, a spokesman for Petersfield Big School said: “We were bitterly disappointed with our GCSE coverage this year. Even though our pass rate was up, we made the classic mistake of offering up an overweight, spotty boy for the press picture.

“He has 12 A-stars and was offered a place at both Cambridge and Oxford to read law but unfortunately he was deemed ‘not the right media profile’ for any coverage at all. Plus he was unable to jump more than a couple of inches while waving his results notification..." 

Let’s face it kids, if you don’t get A levels plastic surgery is the only option.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

You Cant be serious

 Somebody should be thrown through the arched window...

The rationale behind the new monstrosity in Petersfield has been defended in an effort to calm irate townsfolk. 

Beside Petersfield’s central car park, in a corner previously occupied by quaint old shops, rises an incongruous brick edifice, details of which have been largely kept a secret from the public. 

Newswire can reveal that the design of the building is loosely based upon a combination of a Swiss chalet and, curiously, a design from the old BBC favourite, Play School . 

The architect, Swiss born Emma Entahl told journalists: “I visited Petersfield during the winter and noticed how this car park was like a scene in Switzerland , sheet ice, with piles of snow all around, like a black run at Gstaad. When asked to give my thoughts on this new build, I thought a chalet would be the perfect design.

“I was however conscious of the need to incorporate something very English into the blueprint and, after some research, decided upon the old children’s favourite Play School . You know with Brian Cant and Floella Benjamin.

 Fewer windows than the new build

“I feel the chalet style blends seamlessly with its surroundings whilst there is the subtle nod towards English eccentricity with the inclusion of a round window, an arched window, a square window, and also because I had some spare wall space... a triangular window.”

The building will be home to a new furniture store with affordable accommodation in the roof space.

On a more positive note, the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), which has recently declared words such as 'aerodrome' and 'charabanc' as extinct, told Newswire that this building has singularly rescued the word 'carbuncle' from archival.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Clear forward planning required for Petersfield

Fuzzy planning calls for fuzzy pictures as used by the local press
Busybodies in Petersfield will hit the jackpot when the South Downs National Park Authority hosts a ‘Petersfield Plan’ workshop next month.

The authority’s chairman, Marge Inallyinterested, said: “This is really, really special; quite unique. And we need the people of Petersfield to tell us what they want for their town for the future.

“Clearly, if we just went ahead and did things, the people of Petersfield would simply write ill-informed letters of complaint to the local newspaper – that’s what they do.

“So we thought we’d invite 70 of them to come for a day’s all-in wrestling at Petersfield’s The Big School, to express their opinions.

“It’s clear to us that there will be a lot of people who will want to pedestrianise the town square while a similar number would oppose it. That’s just the sort of animated discussion which could last all day. And ultimately which way we vote will be determined by two falls or a submission.

“We don’t want all the usual suspects to come forward – those who are always volunteering to help. We want the busybodies who moan and bicker about everything and get people to sign worthless petitions. Those are the people whose opinions we really want to ignore.

“For me it is about saying ‘you work here’, ‘you live here’, and ‘you moan constantly about everything here’ so why not come and have your say? We can’t ignore your views if we don’t know what they are.”

A pedantic resident added: “It can’t be ‘quite unique’; it’s either unique or it isn’t.”

The 70 places on the day-long workshop on September 10, will undoubtedly be snapped up by people who don’t have to work and therefore will be hugely representative of the town.

Cam Payne, a spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), said: “Bizarrely, I’m quite up for this. It will give me the opportunity to gainsay every view put forward. I’m not hypocritical. I’m against every thing, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. And if I’m not you can be damned sure I know somebody who is. Or isn’t, as the case may be…”

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A breath of fresh air in Petersfield

Prestatyn yesterday

The festival that takes place in Petersfield, during the summer has been renamed the Petersfield Summer Festival.

Lance Alott and Percy Vahl two members of Petersfield Round Table have taken over the running of the event and wanted to freshen up the branding, making it attractive to potential festival goers.

Alott said: “We thought about getting in some branding specialists, you know the sort of experts who you pay a few thousand pounds to and they come up with a catchy name. But on reflection we thought we could probably come up with something ourselves.

“So we sat down for a few hours, over several pints and ran through a number of options... Two of the best early ideas were Nantwich Autumn Exhibition and Prestatyn Spring Sales. Both of these names are kind of catchy in their own way, but each has their own problems.

“The event won’t be in Nantwich or Prestatyn, it will actually take place between spring and autumn and the main event is neither an exhibition nor a sale.

“Then after four and a half hours, and quite a few pints... I won’t say how many, it hit us. Why not call it the Petersfield Summer Festival.

“Petersfield Summer Festival will be pretty much the same as previous years, same music, same stalls, same entertainers, same old children’s farm; but we believe we have breathed new life into the event with this fantastic new name.”

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

24/7 Surveillance

RoboWarden hits the streets of Petersfield

David Cameron’s idea of employing a SuperCop for London has resulted in Petersfield getting its own RoboWarden.

Colin Allcars, speaking on behalf of Petersfield Town Council, said: “Like London, the situation in Petersfield is out of control; except we don’t have rioters, we have mindless parking violators.

“People think they can simply park anywhere, and up ‘til now, who would stop them. This is where Petersfield’s similarity with London ends, in the capital the police were at times powerless; down here they simply couldn’t be arsed.

“But now we have RoboWarden. Things are definitely going to change around here.”

We asked Allcars how much it was going to cost Petersfield’s townsfolk to employ the 6’ 4” tungsten enforcer.

“Only $12,000 a month, that’s around £7,500 and our conservative estimate of what he will bring in per day is around £3,000, and that’s before you take into account car sales.

“We have increased our fines and failure to pay on the spot will result in vaporisation, with the car, if a wreck, being crushed immediately. In cases where the car has some value, it will be sold on to increase profits.

“Congestion in the town will soon be a thing of the past. 

We also understand RoboWarden will be making an appearance at the town’s Summer Festival, where thugs and disgruntled drivers will be able to throw apples, gathered  from the tree outside the library, at the tungsten ticketer for only £5 a go. Long queues are anticipated.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The burning issue

Incredible shopping opportunities ahead

The newly opened Hindhead Tunnel, just north of Petersfield on the A3 was forced to close last week when there was a problem with the overhead signs.

The electrical fault resulted in both northbound carriages being closed for 40 minutes while technicians wrestled with the embarrassing technical hitch.

A series of signs, designed to remind motorists where they are heading, should read “The Grim North” but for some reason displayed the words “London Riots”.

Di Ode, a spokesman for Sparks R Us, the electricians who have won the contract to provide maintenance for the tunnel told press: “This is all very embarrassing and the error was corrected as soon as possible.

“That said, the signs weren’t actually inaccurate, so I don’t know what all the fuss was about.”

Friday, August 12, 2011

Hants police assisting with Tooting looting

We counted them in...

Shock was palpable in Petersfield as it was announced that Hampshire police had been redeployed to London to help tackle the widespread rioting and looting.

The shock was less to do with the redeployment but mainly because the Petersfield public didn't realise Hampshire still had a police force.

PC Hans Cuffed, speaking on behalf of the relocating officers, said: "We couldn’t wait.

"There's been some talk about us being keen to help our colleagues in the Met, but that's just paper talk, it's all bollocks.

"The truth of the matter is we wanted a piece of the action, what's the alternative, strolling around country lanes looking for lost cats? Nah, this is real policing."

PC Cuffed said he wasn’t nervous about the dangers that might lie ahead.

...and we counted them out

"Dangers?" he said quizzically, "We aren’t on the front line. We follow up behind the Met and are tasked with 'securing' looted stores.

"Hopefully this might include the likes of Hackett, Paul Smith and a couple of good quality electrical stores. Last night we ‘secured’ a Burberry in Tooting.

"And all on double time ... marvellous."

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Baby of the Year Competition

 Daniel and Jessica, a couple of early
entries into the nought to nine months category

Newswire’s annual Baby of the Year Competition is officially open; paving the way for all the proud parents of Petersfield to submit photos of their progeny and establish bragging rights over their peers.

Don’t forget, looks aren’t important. What really matters is having a large and loyal band of yummy-mummy friends who are willing to dedicate time and money voting for your child.

The little darlings will be split into four initial age bands: up to nine months; 10 months to 18 months; 19 months to three years; and the over-threes.

The winners will be decided entirely by public vote, so the competition couldn’t be fairer. With no one person being able to vote more than once during any 10-minute period.

So if you have an organised grandparent, with nothing better to do, who has an untreatable sleep disorder, they could actually vote up to 144 times in any one day.

Klaus who has been entered a few times,
tries his luck in the over threes category

Don’t delay, get your pictures in today and put yourself in with a chance of winning a framed photo of your child from Bread-and-Butter Photography.

Len Skloth, speaking on behalf of Bread-and-Butter Photography, said: “We are delighted to be associated with this competition. Many of the parents whose child doesn’t win a prize end up paying us a fortune for a compensatory photo shoot. You simply can’t buy this type of advertising.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Town pays for lack of JD Sports outlet

 A warm summer's evening in Manchester

Petersfield hoodies have been branded “amateurs” and “apathetic” after absolutely NO rioting occurred in the town.

While the rest of the country burned, teenagers as far afield as Steep Marsh and Langrish could only hang their heads in shame at the lack of destruction on offer in the vicinity.

A milk bottle was knocked over in Durford Road on Monday night and on Tuesday morning a resident of Monks Orchard discovered a scratch on his Bentley – although he later admitted it may have occurred while he was driving past the rose bush on his drive.

“I feel sadly let down,” moaned community youth leader Dudley Doright. “Our young people can usually be relied upon to show their mettle – but they’ve really messed up this time.

“Surely they must be furious at Petersfield Youth Theatre only getting £60,000 in that TV vote…and there was that change to the opening hours of the Taro swimming pool.

“Perhaps they’re so beaten down by poverty and lack of opportunity they can’t even bring themselves to smash a few shop windows. It just shows what a bunch of apathetic amateurs they have become."

Other residents were left wondering whether it was the lack of a JD Sports outlet, or the overwhelming presence of two Police Community Support Officers that have kept a lid on protest in Petersfield.

But one passer-by summed up: “I think most of the town’s teenagers are on a geography field trip, or possibly spending time in their parents’ Tuscan villa.”

Monday, August 08, 2011

Riots hit Petersfield

Breaking news: Rioting spread to Petersfield this afternoon on the Tilmore Road allotment where gloved men were seen burning leaves and turning over soil.

And in a nearby arts and crafts centre several people who should know better were seen to be throwing pots…

And in related news:

Middle-classes to take looting lessons

Friday, August 05, 2011

Petersfield time capsule hangs in balance

David Weeks' shiny suit could be buried under Petersfield square

Plans to bury a time capsule under Petersfield’s town square hang in the balance after officials could not decide what to include.

Initially, council officials wanted local residents to suggest ideas but a straw poll in the square this week revealed the majority of people had nothing contemporaneous to offer up as most had merely been waiting in the Post Office queue since 2005.

One councillor has faced calls to resign – pronounced “Resign!” – after he suggested burying Bordon, while others believe that rather than bury items, in such a precarious economic climate the town’s chattels should be sold off at a car-boot sale.

A popular choice for burial would appear to be David Weeks’ shiny suit – although Weeks himself is apparently reluctant to part with it.

Another suggestion, which would illustrate the plight of the homeless in the early 21st century, would be to include Mona, the Big Issue seller.

Cllr Ivan Idea added: “We need to include things that represent Petersfield in 2011, so I suggest we cram the box with toy cars so there’s no room for much else. We could squeeze in some pizza delivery leaflets, one of those plastic collection bags distributed by the myriad charity shops in the town and a loan application form showing the extent to which some people would go to buy a round of coffees in Costa.

“Waitrose has kindly offered to supply us with some sun-drenched tomatoes to illustrate the town’s eating habits, while we will also include a vial of water from the lake just in case somebody in 2111 has come up with a cure for those bloody algae.”

Not everybody is in favour of burying a capsule, however. Cllr Kerr Mudgeon insists the town square already has a sealed time capsule.

He said: “The Market Inn pub has been sealed up for as long as I can remember and there seems no likelihood of it being reopened. I would therefore suggest we leave that as the town’s time capsule and just decorate the outside, perhaps with some paint or something.

“I’m sure, if it was opened up in 100 years time – or later if the economy hasn’t picked up by then – the contents would be very interesting: some empty beer cans, the odd used prophylactic, empty syringes, BNP newsletters and some copies of the Daily Mail all left by the last customers to leave.

“It would be fascinating. And almost certainly the news agenda and stories in the Daily Mail would be very similar, if not identical, to today.”

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Petersfield residents react angrily ... again!

Petersfield residents have reacted angrily to the town mayor’s comments following the opening of the Hindhead tunnel.

The Petersfield Proust reported that Cllr George Watkinson believes the tunnel will increase house prices in the town, which will put it out of the financial reach of some people who want to live here.

He said: “The commuter belt will move further down which will make house prices increase. This is a disaster for Petersfield as we’re trying to build cheap houses for people who need them and increasing prices won’t allow this to happen.”

But Cam Payne, the chairman of inaction group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), insisted that was exactly what residents DID want.

He said: “The majority of our members moved to Petersfield for the very reason that they didn’t want to live with the working classes. What exactly is an ‘affordable home’ anyway? We can afford to buy houses in Petersfield and surely that’s enough.

“If they mean low-cost houses, well of course we don’t want them. That goes without saying which is why I’m saying it. If the council is so keen on having low-earners living in the town why don’t they have more Labour Party members on the council?

“They don’t, which speaks for itself and which is why I’m speaking about it. Of course the lower classes want to live in Petersfield – it’s a bloody nice middle-class town. But it wouldn’t stay that way if we let in tradesmen and shop workers now would it?”

Payne insisted his group was not comprised entirely of middle-class snobs and social climbers, despite their avowed intention to not allow any houses worth less than £500,000 to be built in the area.

“Admittedly many of our members are middle-class snobs,” he explained. “But to say that PRATS is comprised entirely of middle-class snobs and social climbers is forgetting Alan, who is a stockbroker and was born in Bordon.

“Indeed many of our members are against social climbers, hence the reason we wish to keep the working classes out of the town. But we are not anti-working-class per se. Many of us employ dozens of them and only this week I had two round all morning to repair the hot-tub.

“But if affordable housing means we would be forced to have them living in our midst then we are against the idea. They have to be realistic – after all, how could they afford to pay £3.50 for a cup of coffee every day.

“I think Cllr Watkinson has this one wrong, after all he is meant to represent the views of his existing ward, not those who might come into it if some unscrupulous developer was able to build a four-storey block of flats on a manhole cover.”

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

'Bored vandals' relish opportunity to preserve reputation

Trug of war: 'bored vandals' or a cottage industry?

A group of Petersfield youngsters have labelled an East Hants District Council (EHDC) spokesman ‘lazy’ and ‘clichéd’ after he described them as “bored vandals”.

The teenagers were shocked to see themselves described thus in last week’s Petersfield Proust by EHDC’s contract monitoring officer Greg Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square, after he claimed they had climbed an apple tree outside the library “so apples could be taken and used as missiles”.

But one of the youngsters, Grant Application, insisted Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square had merely jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Application said: “To describe us as ‘bored vandals’ is at best generalisation and at worst lazy and clichéd. Surely he could only state that as fact had he seen ‘bored vandals’ climb the tree.

“In fact this was a concerted effort by a group of determined home-made preserve activists to avoid wasting good apples.

“We may have dropped one or two as we loaded them into our trugs but the majority made it home with us and will return at the next food festival in various vastly overpriced jams and chutneys. Indeed this is the basis for my Duke of Edinburgh Award for preserve-making and naked capitalism.

“We were deeply hurt by the remark and if we ever see Mr Christmas-Hut-on-the-Square around town we will pelt him with jars of pumpkin relish.”