Crime prevention

 An officer tests out a new toy on loan from Surrey

The number of crimes reported in Hampshire has fallen, according to new Home Office figures released last week.

Muggings are up 10%, burglaries up 12%, robbery is up 8%, domestic violence is up 23% and fraud is up 3%. Identity fraud is up 36%, knife crime is up 17%, gun-related crime is up 13%, road crime is up 26% and drug crime is up 29%.

However, against this backdrop of increased disorder and criminality stands the fact that nearly all of East Hampshire’s police stations have been closed down.

Detective Superintendant Plod said: “I am proud to announce, that in line with official guidelines, from next year Hampshire Constabulary - Eastern Division, will operate from one solitary police station.

“It is anticipated this will cut our overheads by some 35%. Furthermore, we will be selling existing police stations, and expect this action to raise £3.5M for police funds. This should enable us to invest in some shiny new cars and some of those rather splendid Segway scooter things.”

We asked DS Plod how it is we are being told crime has reduced in the area when the truth appears to be the complete opposite.

“Reported crime has fallen,” he told us. “You need to find a policeman, or speak to one on the telephone to report a crime, and from what we understand most victims simply give up.

“I want to reassure the public, that in the face of adversity, we, the boys in blue, are always there to help. If for any reason you need assistance or need to report a crime, please call our strategic nerve centre in Alton on 01420 999 999, on a Wednesday between the hours of 14:00 and 14:05.”

Police to adopt zero tolerance in Petersfield

Police in Petersfield have requested the help of the community as they look to adopt a zero-tolerance policy on traffic offences in the town.

PC Brigade, who patrols the town on a six-monthly basis, explained: “We have started issuing tickets to people parking where they shouldn’t be. It is a revolutionary idea but we think it might work.

“And we are adopting a zero-tolerance policy. On the rare occasion we may visit the town, if there’s anybody parked illegally we will issue a ticket – it will cost a minimum of £40, but does include a three-course lunch, welcome drink and a raffle, with all proceeds going towards the police benefit charity.

“But we can only ease the parking problem in the town with the help of the community, so we are asking residents not to park illegally. Again, it’s a simple idea but we believe it may prove more effective than yellow lines and no-parking signs.”

If the scheme is successful PC Brigade believes the police authorities may adopt it to deal with other issues.

He added: “It’s not inconceivable that we may ask people nicely if they could stop taking drugs, avoid breaking into people’s houses and refrain from punching each other’s lights out in the Square on a Friday and Saturday night.

“If they don’t we may be forced to post a polite note through their letterbox asking if they could spare the time to come down to the station and maybe undertake a visit to a local court.”

Hants police assisting with Tooting looting

We counted them in...

Shock was palpable in Petersfield as it was announced that Hampshire police had been redeployed to London to help tackle the widespread rioting and looting.

The shock was less to do with the redeployment but mainly because the Petersfield public didn't realise Hampshire still had a police force.

PC Hans Cuffed, speaking on behalf of the relocating officers, said: "We couldn’t wait.

"There's been some talk about us being keen to help our colleagues in the Met, but that's just paper talk, it's all bollocks.

"The truth of the matter is we wanted a piece of the action, what's the alternative, strolling around country lanes looking for lost cats? Nah, this is real policing."

PC Cuffed said he wasn’t nervous about the dangers that might lie ahead.

...and we counted them out

"Dangers?" he said quizzically, "We aren’t on the front line. We follow up behind the Met and are tasked with 'securing' looted stores.

"Hopefully this might include the likes of Hackett, Paul Smith and a couple of good quality electrical stores. Last night we ‘secured’ a Burberry in Tooting.

"And all on double time ... marvellous."

Last-minute drama at Petersfield Festival of Food & Drink

The heat proved too much for one

member of the Petersfield SWAT team 

Visitors to Petersfield's world-renowned Food & Drink Festival were forced to dive for cover this morning when an East Hampshire SWAT team swooped on a stall-holder selling organic Spanish cucumbers.

Six armed officers dropped into the town square from a hovering chinnook after Spanish farmer Juan Forderoad began selling the produce from a stall next to a bouncy castle.

Five of the officers surrounded Snr Forderoad's stall, while the sixth yo-yoed between the square and the helicopter after landing on the bouncy castle.

A stand-off ensued for half-an-hour with the SWAT team ordering the stall-holder to 'hit the deck', while he in turn threatened to force-feed a passing tourist with an organic cucumber.

A truce was called when the officers became too hot in their Kevlar tunics and began to strip off, causing more visitors to dive for cover and an 84-year-old town councillor to faint. She had only just recovered after seeing the size of Snr Forderoad's cucumber.

The confrontation was broken up when everybody was distracted by the appearance of a traffic warden. The armed officers then arrested the stall-holder and took him off to Costa Coffee where one of them was heard to yell: "HOW MUCH? Are you taking the p***!"

Tourist John Selwyn-Gummer witnessed the shocking events and said: "Culinary terrorism is a very real threat in the 21st century. We should be very proud of our boys in blue ... and black ... and metal protective clothing ... and night goggles.

"I heard people say this was an over-reaction but it was a necessary show of force. Disaffected minorities are increasingly turning to organic cucumbers and we must be vigilant at all times. This stuff is dangerous. Now excuse me, I'm off to buy some British beef..."

■ The Petersfield Festival of Food & Drink continues until late Sunday afternoon.

Police resources "stretched" without an editor...

Hampshire police's CCTV unit is up for a

BAFTA for 'best lighting on a speeding ticket'

Hampshire police has been criticised for having the entire Petersfield allocation of officers seconded to a CCTV speed camera team on the B2070 (Petersfield to Liss road) today.

A spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS) was incandescent with rage.

He said: “I’m incandescent with rage … at least that’s what I think I am. I’m sure I remember reading it somewhere. I’m not happy anyway. There were two vehicles at the Liss turning from London Road today … TWO! They were filming drivers of all things.

“Yet just a couple of miles away in Petersfield young people were dropping litter, wearing their trousers halfway down their backsides and laughing. What’s more Costa was charging in excess of £3 for a coffee. These are despicable acts. Why aren’t the police here targeting such wanton acts of criminality?”

A spokeswoman for Hampshire Constabulary confirmed all six officers scheduled to appear in Petersfield at any given time over the next decade were indeed working with the CCTV unit. But she denied it was a waste of valuable police resources.

“These are necessary staffing levels for the job these officers were required to do,” she said sheepishly. “It’s not just a case of having a driver and a cameraman in the CCTV van; you also need a director, a lighting engineer, a runner and a grip – whatever one of those is.

“That’s all six east Hampshire officers. We couldn’t stretch to an editor or costumier, so have been forced to make do. Residents should be grateful that the officers they have within their community are so multi-skilled. They might not catch many criminals but when they are captured on film, the lighting and production techniques are second to none.”

Extinct species spotted in Petersfield shocker

Petersfield children were afforded the rare sight of a flypast

by a policeman yesterday for the first time since VE Day

Petersfield Newswire has received an extraordinary photograph from one of our “adoring” readers, who couldn't believe his luck.

Ivor Fyne was both the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Petersfield yesterday and has the photographic evidence to prove it.

Fyne told us: “I got a bloody parking ticket. I was parked outside the Post Office for a couple of hours, in what used to be a 30-minute slot - but as we all know you can pretty much ignore that. When along comes the old bill and bingo, I've got a ticket.”

While such a scenario is extraordinary in itself, Fyne remains upbeat after benefiting from the sight of two rare occurrences happening simultaneously – rather like an eclipse.

“It was as I was taking a snap of the copper writing my ticket, I noticed that despite it being the middle of the day, and not a bank holiday or a Sunday ... there was no queue outside the Post Office,” said a dumbfounded Fyne.

Fyne now has a picture of this doubly unlikely event, which could be worth thousands to a collector of such unusual historical events. He could consequently make a substantial profit from the day - and the parking ticket will be a mere trifle in comparison.

Commenting on the presence of a police officer in the town, a spokesman for Hampshire Constabulary explained: “We had to have an officer in Petersfield at some time. The ConDem government is looking to cut 25 per cent of all police on the beat. And even a primary school child knows that a quarter of nothing is still nothing.

“This allows us to tick a few boxes after the comprehensive cutting review.”

Nick Clegg is 43.

Pull the other one

Rugger buggers out on the pull

Two of Petersfield’s major sports clubs will battle it out on the streets of Petersfield next weekend.

Petersfield RFC and Petersfield Town FC face a battle of strength along the High Street when they take part in a charity vehicle pull competition on Sunday, August 29.

The town’s biggest club, the golf club, declined to join in, with a representative saying that many of their members were unable to carry their own golf bag, so an event like this was completely out of the question.

The rugby club put on a tremendously successful field gun display at last year's festivities, and this seemed the next logical step.

Petersfield FC will pull any illegally parked cars to Chapel Street and Petersfield RFC will pull vehicles to College Street. The winning team will be the one that has moved the greatest number of vehicles at the end of the day.

Mark Etstall speaking on behalf of Petersfield Festivities told us: “We always have a huge problem with vehicles being parked where they shouldn’t be and in the knowledge that we have no traffic warden, everyone will be out to take the piss.

“The police are supposed to be concentrating some of their efforts on parking controls, but I understand they dedicated a few hours to traffic control back at the beginning of August, so we won’t see them again until September.”

Traffic Warden MA (Oxon) LLB MBA Etc.

Petersfield residents will expect parking violations to be

recorded in Latin in future: Non illigitamus carborundum

Hampshire Police and East Hampshire District Council expect to recruit incredibly well-qualified personnel for their new traffic patrol service after they let slip the pay rate.

Between them, the two organisations have agreed to fund 500 hours of traffic wardenry between now and April 2011.

Officials at Penalties Place have put aside £5,000 for the nine-month service and this figure is being matched by Hampshire Police.

So that’s £10,000 for 500 hours. Or an incredible £20 an hour. Wandering around Petersfield with a notebook and hat has never been so lucrative.