Crime prevention

 An officer tests out a new toy on loan from Surrey

The number of crimes reported in Hampshire has fallen, according to new Home Office figures released last week.

Muggings are up 10%, burglaries up 12%, robbery is up 8%, domestic violence is up 23% and fraud is up 3%. Identity fraud is up 36%, knife crime is up 17%, gun-related crime is up 13%, road crime is up 26% and drug crime is up 29%.

However, against this backdrop of increased disorder and criminality stands the fact that nearly all of East Hampshire’s police stations have been closed down.

Detective Superintendant Plod said: “I am proud to announce, that in line with official guidelines, from next year Hampshire Constabulary - Eastern Division, will operate from one solitary police station.

“It is anticipated this will cut our overheads by some 35%. Furthermore, we will be selling existing police stations, and expect this action to raise £3.5M for police funds. This should enable us to invest in some shiny new cars and some of those rather splendid Segway scooter things.”

We asked DS Plod how it is we are being told crime has reduced in the area when the truth appears to be the complete opposite.

“Reported crime has fallen,” he told us. “You need to find a policeman, or speak to one on the telephone to report a crime, and from what we understand most victims simply give up.

“I want to reassure the public, that in the face of adversity, we, the boys in blue, are always there to help. If for any reason you need assistance or need to report a crime, please call our strategic nerve centre in Alton on 01420 999 999, on a Wednesday between the hours of 14:00 and 14:05.”

Undercover Police Work

One of our boys in burberry

A police officer working in Tor Way in Petersfield, has been accused of using underhand tactics to catch speeding motorists.

PC Burberry caught Owen Lee Meselftoblame on his speed camera, after leaping out from behind an oak tree and catching the driver by surprise.

Meselftoblame was then stopped further down Tor Way by another officer who fined him £60 for not wearing a seatbelt.

“This is so unfair” said Meselftoblame. “My seatbelt popped out when the officer dressed as a chav startled me; I mean you don’t expect an officer of the law to be throwing shapes behind a camera in the hedgerow do you?”

We asked PC Burberry why he was dressed like a twat and whether this was a new police tactic?

PC Burberry told us: “When I arrived for work this morning, I found Petersfield Police Station had been closed down. I can’t get in and my uniform is hanging in my locker.

“I have no alternative but to carry out my duties wearing my own clothes. I know it’s not ideal but there you are.”

Since speaking to PC Burberry Newswire understands the old Police Station has been broken into, as a spate of local burglaries continues. The officer should now at least be able to get into the building to get his uniform back.

Shock at police station closure

Petersfield Police Station seen here being used for the last time

back in 1958

There was widespread shock across Petersfield today when it was announced that the town’s police station was to close because of cutbacks – mainly because not one single resident realised it was still open.

“I thought it closed in the ‘90s,” said passing burglar Ivor Swagbag. “I certainly haven’t seen a copper on foot in the town since…ooh I can’t remember.”

Another dodgy-looking character, Pete O’File, who was hanging around the nearby churchyard, commented: “What? There are coppers in that building. Bloody hell! I must be going.”

Drinkers in the newly reopened Fogfusions bar opposite the station were equally mystified. “A police station you say,” mused one. “Thankfully, they never seem to notice any of our lock-ins, fights, or noise.”

Petersfield’s MP Damian Hindsight waded into the debate, saying: “I’m definitely backing town residents in calling for a full review into this closure, although voters must understand we all have to tighten our belts and pull together, or something.

“There simply is no alternative to cutting costs to pay for bankers’ bonuses, er, I mean fund the black hole of debt left by the last government.

“It seems the only way we could afford police in the past was because Labour was frittering away money on public services. God, these people will be asking for a decent pension next!”