Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Petersfield news in brief

Egg rolling

Queen Elizabeth Country Park will host this year’s annual egg-rolling event on April 5. Eggs to roll are available from the Visitor Centre and cost £1 each.

Following huge confusion, disappointment and queues at last year’s event, the organisers wish to make it absolutely clear that egg rolls are not available from the Visitors Centre - only eggs for rolling.

Easter is relatively early this year so participants are being reminded to check that their eggs have actually been laid in time for the event. Experience shows they roll less well when they're still inside a chicken as the birds tend to get snagged on tufted grass as they tumble down the hillside.

Romance of the era before email

Max M E Cross will be giving a talk next Monday, at Liss Area Hysterical Society, entitled “The Romance of the Letter Box” explaining his sadness at the demise of the written letter in favour of electronic mail.

Anyone wishing to attend the talk must contact Mr Cross by emailing him at

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Top that

You can now get one job interview
free with every job interview (Tuesdays only)

Papa John's pizzeria has received a financial boost following the news that East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has promised to help fund the takeaway service.

Young people struggling to find any sort of employment who are being forced to take up the most embarrassing and low paid of jobs, are to be supplied with mopeds so they can deliver pizza for Papa John's.

The 'Wheels to Work' programme will provide 12 fully taxed and insured 50cc mopeds for a nominal charge of £12 per week each.

Pizza Transportation Technicians can reap a salary of £3.57 per hour (the minimum wage) plus all drunken overpayments, which can be substantial.

Drew Bennie Fitz, Jobcentre Plus manager for Petersfield, said: "EHDC is helping us to get the unemployment figures down ahead of the impending election. I think this is a great initiative and should enable us to place some of those individuals that we had considered unemployable.

“Appearance can be important for some employers, but by working in the dark and wearing a helmet we should be able to find jobs for some of the spottiest mingers.

"We'll also spend some of the money on safety training - when delivering pizzas stacked with cheese you have to ride very caerphilly.”

Monday, March 29, 2010

Not just any climbdown

Flight of fancy? - S&M’s shortlived helipad

Posh supermarket S&M have been forced to make an embarrassing turnaround after their implementation of prohibitive parking charges at their Petersfield branch.

In an effort to diffuse the situation, S&M spokesperson Claire Duncan-Biscuit said: “There is no blame culture here at S&M, but it’s all the signwriters’ fault, the signs should never have read £10 - this was a typo."

New signage is now in place stating that the car park still costs £2 for an hour, but that this is refundable after a minimum in-store spend of £5, not £10 as originally intended.

However, despite Duncan-Biscuit blaming the £10 charge on the signwriter, we have evidence that the £10 charge was completely intentional, and that S&M’s original plans simply backfired.

One disgruntled employee, Michelle Festacker said: “The intention was always to clear the car park, and this worked perfectly. We were then going to have a helicopter pad, as I believe you originally reported. But, S&M couldn’t get agreement from the Civil Aviation Authority to have helicopters land at the site and that has forced this massive turnaround."

We put this to Duncan-Biscuit and she was very defensive.

“Nonsense, as I said it was an unfortunate error, and that has now been rectified," she insisted.

“We are now concentrating our efforts to stop all the chavvy parents parking here both in the morning when they drop off their oik kids and later in the day when they want to go to the 99p shop.

“We feel that a £2 fee should deter this type of character; surely they’d rather spend this kind of money on a bottle of Stella or cider."

Car park attendant Ray Gunn has been forced to hand back the table tennis bats that he was going to use to guide in the helicopters, and is once again focusing on what he calls “the criminals who park here illegally”.

Gunn added: “I can’t wait to get back to normal. At the moment word hasn’t got around and so the car park is still empty. S&M is reluctant to advertise the reduction because it looks pretty bad. They are hoping the news will spread on the grapevine.

“I rely on there being a certain number of cars in the car park for me to hide behind. Until things pick up, there is not much chance of me racking up any decent fines.”

Friday, March 26, 2010

Time called at Jolly Sailor

The Jolly Sailor today, where Stack 'Em High have already moved in and are preparing to distribute free ear plugs to the locals

A south Petersfield pub, The Jolly Sailor, is to be razed to the ground, to make way for a car park for excavation machinery.

Consultant Phil Fee-Rich, who represents developer Stack ‘Em High, told us: “With the upcoming work on the Causeway Farm Estate about to be given the green light, we are obviously going to need somewhere to park all that noisy machinery.

“The works are bound to mean upheaval, upset and inconvenience for many people; and we are duty bound to keep the number of people affected as low as possible.

“Purchasing this plot will mean we can contain any disturbance and keep it to the cheap end of town. This should minimise any complaints from anyone with any real influence."

When asked when he thought work would start on demolishing the pub, Fee-Rich was quick to respond.

“I’ve heard some mutterings about the building being ‘iconic’ and the word ‘landmark’ was even used. The last thing we want is to face a petition for it to be left standing, so it will be knocked down fairly quickly. Possibly tomorrow morning if I can hire one of those big swinging ball things!

“The real bonus here is that once the Causeway Farm Estate has been completed we will be able to use the site for something else.

“If we were to put in a planning application for a block of flats now, it would never be passed, but … if we wait until the value of the area has been reduced by the new estate, I reckon we will be able to push this through and start planning for a five storey building. Kerching!”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Petersfield man gets norovirus on cruise

A Petersfield man is seeking legal advice after he contracted the norovirus during a once-in-a-lifetime cruise on the Heath Pond.

Ivan Oar complained that he was already suffering stomach cramps as his rowing boat left the wooden jetty. By the time he'd passed a couple of swans his complexion had turned as green as the algae in the water and as he rounded the island the full force of projectile vomiting consumed him.

Consultant maritime analyst Aron C Rescue said: "The perils of the water are many. You can lose a lot of seamen from a tossing vessel."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Petersfield traffic chaos due to coffee prices shocker

Petersfield is likely to remain without a traffic warden for some time - because the town's coffee shops are too expensive.

East Hampshire District Council is desperate to prevent the quadruple parking in the town which is becoming commonplace. But attempts to recruit a new traffic warden have proved fruitless.

One applicant, who wished to remain anonymous, was only too happy to tell Petersfield Newswire why he did not take the position.

Kerr Parker said: "Being a traffic warden is a solitary pursuit - and you don't have many friends. That doesn't particularly bother me as I'm a Conservative and a football referee, so I'm familiar with the feeling.

"But the only rest and chance for sustenance when you're wandering the streets is to pop in for a cup of coffee. And on a traffic warden's salary that's just not possible in Petersfield. The average cost for a cup of coffee here is more than £2.50 and my wife only gives me £3 as a daily allowance.

"The cheapest place to get a coffee is the town's football club where it's just 50p. But they only serve it at half-time when there's a game at Love Lane, so that's no use to me."

A spokesman for East Hampshire District Council said: "This is news to us. We weren't aware there were any coffee shops in Petersfield. Perhaps one of us should get out from behind our desk and actually go and see what's happening in the town. Tell me, do they still have a livestock market and stocks?"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Miaow Miaow - new threat

Petersfield gardeners fear they may have to cancel their annual spring show - as a UK-wide shortage of plant food supplement begins to bite.

"It's terrible!" exclaimed Reg Petal, chairman of the town's horticultural society. "We've never had such a bad year - my cucumbers are tiny, my daffs are limp and I don't think my tulips are ever going to come up.

"All our members are saying the same, and it's all because of a lack of mephedrone. There's just none around! I've tried all the usual websites and every single one is sold out - and I can't get near my local garden centre because it's surrounded by monged-out teenagers."

The great plant food shortage started last month as word was spread by headline-seeking local newspapers and councillor busybodies about the ecstasy-style effects of snorting plant food - and the fact that it was cheap, readily available and completely legal.

Some local rags even advertised its weight-loss side-effect, making it particularly attractive to young girls looking to lose their muffins as well as get off their tits for virtually nothing.

"It's simply irresponsible," added green-fingered Reg. "Until the papers started banging on about mephedrone - or compost as we gardeners call it - I could get as much as I wanted. It meant I could while away hours at my allotment completely mashed off my face. Now I'm gardening straight I've realised how ****ing dull it is."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Banding Together

Ella's Triangle

Liss Brass Band has been inspired to undertake a recruitment drive so they can participate in the BBC’s national competition, “Band for Britain”.

If you can play, and importantly own, a cornet, trumpet, French horn, trombone, tuba, violin, viola, cello, double bass, harp, penny whistle, flute, oboe, clarinet, bassoon, snare drum, bass drum, set of bongos, timpani, glockenspiel, tambourine, grand piano or cymbals, then there is a place waiting for you in the LBB.

Alternatively, if you have a large hall that can be used for practise sessions once or twice a week, please contact Ivana Waiver-Baton on 01234 12341234, who would love to hear from you.

Waiver-Baton said: "Anyone who would like to have played the triangle should be aware that at present this place is filled by 97-year-old Ella Vanoyse; although having a reserve lined up might not be a bad idea".

Friday, March 19, 2010

Comedy night at The Foppy


Comedy night at The Foppy, this Monday

Damian Hinds, prospective parliamentary candidate for East Hampshire reads from the Conservative Party election manifesto.


Courtesy of Conservative leader David 'Call me Dave' Cameron

A Ford Bandwagon upon which to jump at every opportunity.
No purchase necessary.

Terms and conditions apply: Our views can go up as well as down. Your chances of being elected may be lost if you do not keep up with public opinion.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Get your kitsch out for the lads...

REVEALED (in a tabloid style): The last set of tacky Petersfield souvenirs as created by three groups you've never heard of who are calling the town 'The Windermere of the South'.


Just one shake brings a light flurry of flakes to this charming street scene which is at a total standstill because of the snow.


End Of The Line: Own this classic shot by local photographer Len Scap which depicts the start of the Post Office queue in its typical location at the bottom of Lavant Street. Available for £25 in the library or £130 in Waitrose.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pub rumours are rumours about a pub insists spokesman

The former Red Lion is a 200-year-old coaching inn
once frequented by Beefeaters

The owners of the former Red Lion pub in College Street have denied rumours circulating about the current conversion. 

Netherregions, the national chain which purchased the 200-year-old inn for £800,000 last year, insists there is no issue with adapting the listed building to fit its new requirements.

Netherregions spokesman Jack Daniels (£1 per shot, two for the price of one before 1am) confirmed there was no problem with the building as far as the pub chain was concerned.

“I can confirm there is no problem with the building as far as the pub chain is concerned,” he said, indicating lazy journalism.

“If there is an issue it’s because we’ve run out of cash and that the builders keep finding unopened barrels of beer. We are charged extra if we use the scaffolding after 5pm, although we can have two workmen on it for the price of one between 1pm and 3pm Monday to Friday.”

Work on the pub, which was originally scheduled to re-open in January, was held up during the winter months while workmen built a large snowman and the refit is not expected to be completed until the new estate on The Causeway is built.

East Hampshire District Council council spokesman Murphy Guinness (£1.50 a pint during extended happy hours) explained: “They are proceeding along with their plans, which they have outlined to repair the building.

“As far as we are concerned the work they have carried out so far is in accordance with all the planning obligations that were set for them. We didn’t expect the work to be completed until after the Causeway Ghetto was completed – after all that’s exactly the sort of demographic Netherregions looks for in its drinkers.”

Local haberdasher, jeweller and self-appointed spokesman for Petersfield traders Matt Tress said: “We are obviously concerned about binge drinking. If Netherregions doesn’t open soon where are we going to do it?

“Petersfield is not overly endowed with good binge-drinking pubs. After all you can’t get anything for under a fiver in the Bad Intentions and nobody over the age of 20 ventures into The Gorge.

“And since the off-licence closed in Chapel Street there’s nowhere to buy cheap cider unless you schlep all the way to Tesco.”

Mr Daniels added: “We never give exact opening dates for any of our pubs. Usually the first people know about it is one day when vomiting teenagers stagger into the road at about noon.”

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Petersfield man on way to Petersfield?

Petersfield's top athlete could be heading for Love Lane

Pompey's dire financial plight might see the club's number one fan transferred to his local non-league team, Petersfield Town.

The Premiership's crisis club have threatened to ban their most easily recognisable fan, John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood, if he does not refrain from standing during matches.

A club spokesman said: "We have budgeted only for fans to sit down during matches. Standing puts an extra strain on the concrete and could necessitate immediate repairs which, quite frankly, we can't afford.

"If John does not sit down we may have to transfer him, bell and all, to somewhere more suitable."

The news was greeted with delight by John's local club Petersfield Town which plays in the Non-Existent County League division one.

Club spokesman Lois 'Love' Lane said: "We would welcome John with open arms. This club is ideal for him. He can stand in the bar drinking for 90 minutes and still watch the game, which you can't do at Premiership level.

"And the residents nearby would like nothing more than to hear a bell, bugle and drum ringing out every other Saturday afternoon and Tuesday evening. Indeed, one of the residents contacted me only the other day asking if we could make more noise at matches in preparation for when the new skatepark opens.

"If John comes to watch our games it would seemingly suit everybody."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Causeway Farm No Cause For Alarm

Artist’s impression of the Causeway Farm skyline

The people of Petersfield have been given their first glimpse of the proposed “low-impact” development to be built on the Causeway Farm site, south of the town centre.

Housing consultants Minimal Integrity were delighted to unveil the plans and hope that this artist’s impression will reassure anyone who may have had concerns over the build.

The developers believe the new plans will alleviate growing pressure on Petersfield’s social housing waiting list by optimising the number of dwellings that can be squeezed onto the site.

Ivor Bung, speaking on behalf of East Hampshire District Council, said: “In view of the fact that we were given such a small footprint to work with, we feel we have managed to maximise accommodation whilst blending seamlessly with the surrounding architecture and environment.”

Consultant Phil Fee-Rich, who represents developer Stack ‘Em High, said: “All the necessary back-handers and brown envelopes have changed hands and although we expect a little resistance from the folk who live on The Causeway, there is nothing that can stop this now.

“I can’t wait to see the first bulldozer trundle in and take out that stupid tree with the ladder leaning up against it.”

Friday, March 12, 2010

Riff-raff removed

One gas-guzzler, parked in the "with child" section for extra space

S&M today announced that the preliminary stage of its car park transformation has been an unmitigated success.

“Just look at the results”, beamed S&M spokesperson Claire Duncan-Biscuit, waving at the empty space.
Looking around it was clear that all those former customers, who once popped in for a small shop of a few items had been successfully discouraged from visiting. Presumably driven, quite literally, to Waitrose or Tesco.

Only one shiny 4x4 stood in the car park. “That’s close to the kind of customer base that we are trying to attract” enthused Duncan-Biscuit.

“We want to attract a different class of customer; one that doesn’t mind spending a bit extra for an enhanced shopping experience and doesn’t give a stuff about the environment.

“It was always our intention to make this bold move, and we will shortly be taking the next even bolder step. We will be turning this once overcrowded and popular car park into a helipad.

“Gone will be the bills for £7.20, our new customers will fly in from miles around and spend hundreds of pounds on their arrival. It is high time S&M’s helicopter-owning elite had somewhere to shop, and this will be it.”

Car park attendant Ray Gunn has not been busy of late, but he looked excited about his new role and showed us his brand new table tennis bats issued early so he can get in some practice.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Take home a piece of Petersfield

Last week we reported the launch of a new range of Petersfield souvenirs.

As we revealed, three groups you've never heard of are calling the town 'The Windermere of the South' and have joined forces to produce an attractive selection of Petersfield souvenirs.

Today we continue our look at what's on offer.


What home is complete without this delightful painting of the area's official seat of power, Penns Palace? Painted over a 10-year period by the increasingly senile local artist Daventry McAllister, the painting is realised in oil, pastel, crayon and dribble.

See how the work captures the very essence of the Palace, a structure whose architectural brilliance has inspired so many local planning decisions.


Badges: proudly show your pride and achievement with the "I survived the Q" honour button badge or demonstrate your commitment to supporting the community with this "I will Q 4 U" design.

We will reveal more increasingly tacky souvenirs next week.

Have you any ideas for your own kitsch Petersfield souvenirs? If so email your ideas to us at

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The pitch is back

A view of the all-weather pitch from across The Causeway

Petersfield’s all-singing, all-dancing all-weather pitch is finally open – after being held up by … er, the weather.

"It’s fantastic!" said head teacher at the town’s Big School Ms Dee Tention.

"All the pupils will be able to play football, hockey and cricket in all weathers from now on.

"Well, unless it snows obviously. Or if it’s too icy, and possibly if it’s a bit too rainy or windy. But it should be fine for a three-day window of sunny weather just before we break up for Easter. But only up until 8pm..."

The development has also been welcomed by residents of the nearby Causeway who have been basking in the new floodlights.

Richard Malcontent, 83, said: "It’s only been open for a couple of days and I’ve already managed to save around a tenner on my electricity bill by turning all my lights off and simply drawing back the curtains.

"I’ll soon have enough to cover my first broken window when the cricket season starts."

Monday, March 08, 2010

Toyota recall for drivers

Toyota has been forced to recall its 4x4 models from owners around Petersfield.

However, the world's largest auto producer has denied there are mechanical problems with the vehicles.

"This has nothing to do with any faults," stressed spokesman Wata Loadatoshi. "It’s just that the owners appear to be driving like TWATS!"

He said the recall would involve at least the All New Land Cruiser, the RAV4 and the Hilux models.

"The problem is worst in the morning around local primary schools where mums seem to think that if they’re driving a 4x4 they can just stop in the middle of the road to get their little darlings out as close as possible to the gates. God forbid that the little sods should actually have to walk a few yards!

"These same drivers also appear to believe they can plough roughshod over any pavements in the town – although bizarrely they don’t like to get too close to hedges in narrow lanes in case they get their shiny 4x4s a little bit dirty."

Mr Loadatoshi urged BMW, Land Rover, VW and Jeep to follow suit.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Post Office hits back at Christmas criticism

A Royal Mail spokesman has jumped to the defence of the postal service after it was criticised for taking two months and five days to deliver a Christmas card to London from Petersfield.

Rick Ordeddelivery explained: “This isn’t actually as bad as it would first appear. We have actually been a victim of our own high standards of customer service.

“In the run-up to Christmas there was such a queue at Petersfield Post Office that we actually went down the queue offering to postmark people’s cards and letters there and then to save them time when they actually reached a cashier.

“So while the Christmas card delivered to Ms Woods may have a December postmark it was received by her only 48 hours after the sender finally reached the front of the queue and spoke to a cashier.

“And as anybody who uses the Petersfield Post Office regularly will tell you, queuing only for two months to get served is actually a ‘right result’.”

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Weather tis nobler...

We are delighted to have received the following letter from four keen weather watchers...

To the chaps at Petersfield Newswire.

We should like to go public to thank you most whole heartedly for the valuable public service you provide.

We do not refer to your welcome reportage, which succinctly summarises and presents to us, in manageable chunks, the news that most affects us in our locale.

No, no. we refer specifically to the on-line weather forecasting system that has proved so incredibly accurate.

No need to listen to the boring old News at Ten any more, waiting for what seems like an eternity for some weirdo or floozy, with windmill arms, who is more intent on stamping their personality on their little three-minute slot, only to find that Petersfield's own distinct microclimate once again isn't worthy of a mention.

Each morning we simply get up (quite separately I would like to add), log on to Newswire, and look at the masthead to see what the day ahead will bring.

Keep up the excellent work.
Gus T Windz
Annie Mometer
Gail Warning
Mack Relsky

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Braking news: Motability scooters in safety recall

Petersfield Motability Centre has announced a mass recall of scooters following reports of a critical fault on some of its vehicles.

The fault appears to concern the brake pedal which is understood to be "getting in the way of other stuff".

Dedicated scooterbility enthusiast Gerry Atrick explained: "I like to put at least five bags of Waitrose groceries on my scooter so they swing into the path of cyclists when I turn a corner.

"I also like to strap a roll of carpet remnants to the front, take a bin bag of clothes to the charity shop and pick up bundle of foam from that man at the market. That pesky brake pedal is a frightful obstruction."

This morning, concerned Motability users organised a mass convoy to see officials at Pennsioners Place but their batteries ran flat just beyond the Heath.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Petersfield welcomes tourists

Petersfield is set to be a magnet for tourism as the South Downs National Park and then, soon after, the A3 tunnel open.

Already, three groups you've never heard of are calling the town 'The Windermere of the South' and have joined forces to produce an attractive selection of Petersfield souvenirs.


Winner takes all in the ultimate game of capitalist greed, now set in Petersfield. Move round the square hoping to land on a space, spend a fortune at the railway station, enjoy free parking and put little red houses wherever you like. Then go home and play this game.

The Petersfield Monopoly is designed to appeal to locals


Both striking and anatomically correct, this scale model of Petersfield's central landmark comes in three sizes: tacky, tackier and tackiest. Limited edition 'Friday night' model has realistic vomit effect to the plinth.

Various sizes of hand are available

We will bring you more of Petersfield's new souvenir range next week.

All images courtesy of manufacturer PPPP Ltd (Petersfield's Piss-Poor Plastics)

Monday, March 01, 2010

Green campaign to save Heath plants

Popular: People come from miles around to admire the colours at Petersfield lake

Fans of green algae have hit out at fishermen who are spoiling their fun.

Members of the Green Algae Growers’ Association (GAGA) claim their favourite marine plants are under threat from anglers.

The Petersfield Hookers Angling Club wants to clear the Heath lake of green algae to create more room for fish – but this has led to a furious uprising among plant lovers.

"We just like to spend hours on end sitting under umbrellas on the bank looking at the algae – it’s harmless fun," ranted GAGA chairman Mr C.Weed.

"Some of our members may also like to wear big rubber boots and daft hats – but that doesn’t make them weirdos with no life.

"I’ve been watching the algae at the Heath since I was a boy, and I’ve travelled all over the south to stare pointlessly at rivers and ponds.

"Some of our members can while away a whole weekend at the Heath doing absolutely nothing except glare at anyone who walks past.

"It is NO WAY an excuse just to get away from my wife and kids for a few hours by pretending to have a hobby. That’s an outrageous slur and I’ll sue anyone who suggests it."

A spokesman for the Greening Petersfield campaign denied this was exactly what they had been demanding...