News on the dark side

A shot in the dark 

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

 Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.

Pull the other one

Rugger buggers out on the pull

Two of Petersfield’s major sports clubs will battle it out on the streets of Petersfield next weekend.

Petersfield RFC and Petersfield Town FC face a battle of strength along the High Street when they take part in a charity vehicle pull competition on Sunday, August 29.

The town’s biggest club, the golf club, declined to join in, with a representative saying that many of their members were unable to carry their own golf bag, so an event like this was completely out of the question.

The rugby club put on a tremendously successful field gun display at last year's festivities, and this seemed the next logical step.

Petersfield FC will pull any illegally parked cars to Chapel Street and Petersfield RFC will pull vehicles to College Street. The winning team will be the one that has moved the greatest number of vehicles at the end of the day.

Mark Etstall speaking on behalf of Petersfield Festivities told us: “We always have a huge problem with vehicles being parked where they shouldn’t be and in the knowledge that we have no traffic warden, everyone will be out to take the piss.

“The police are supposed to be concentrating some of their efforts on parking controls, but I understand they dedicated a few hours to traffic control back at the beginning of August, so we won’t see them again until September.”

Traffic Warden MA (Oxon) LLB MBA Etc.

Petersfield residents will expect parking violations to be

recorded in Latin in future: Non illigitamus carborundum

Hampshire Police and East Hampshire District Council expect to recruit incredibly well-qualified personnel for their new traffic patrol service after they let slip the pay rate.

Between them, the two organisations have agreed to fund 500 hours of traffic wardenry between now and April 2011.

Officials at Penalties Place have put aside £5,000 for the nine-month service and this figure is being matched by Hampshire Police.

So that’s £10,000 for 500 hours. Or an incredible £20 an hour. Wandering around Petersfield with a notebook and hat has never been so lucrative.

Petersfield traffic chaos due to coffee prices shocker

Petersfield is likely to remain without a traffic warden for some time - because the town's coffee shops are too expensive.

East Hampshire District Council is desperate to prevent the quadruple parking in the town which is becoming commonplace. But attempts to recruit a new traffic warden have proved fruitless.

One applicant, who wished to remain anonymous, was only too happy to tell Petersfield Newswire why he did not take the position.

Kerr Parker said: "Being a traffic warden is a solitary pursuit - and you don't have many friends. That doesn't particularly bother me as I'm a Conservative and a football referee, so I'm familiar with the feeling.

"But the only rest and chance for sustenance when you're wandering the streets is to pop in for a cup of coffee. And on a traffic warden's salary that's just not possible in Petersfield. The average cost for a cup of coffee here is more than £2.50 and my wife only gives me £3 as a daily allowance.

"The cheapest place to get a coffee is the town's football club where it's just 50p. But they only serve it at half-time when there's a game at Love Lane, so that's no use to me."

A spokesman for East Hampshire District Council said: "This is news to us. We weren't aware there were any coffee shops in Petersfield. Perhaps one of us should get out from behind our desk and actually go and see what's happening in the town. Tell me, do they still have a livestock market and stocks?"

MOD documents deny existence of traffic warden

Documents released today by the Ministry of Defence (MOD) have cast doubts over recent sightings of a traffic warden in Petersfield.

More than 6,000 pages of reports describe people’s experiences with unidentified objects, mainly of the flying kind. Government correspondence, local newspaper reports and details of RAF investigations all feature in the files.

And there have been reports over the last 24 hours of the sighting of a traffic warden in the East Hampshire market town, reports which the MOD is keen to play down.

Professor ET Fonhom, from the Department of Denying All Culpability, at the University of Saturn, explained: “These files clearly show that many sightings can be explained by the presence of aliens or people in fancy dress. The recent sighting of a traffic warden in Petersfield would have to be filed under U for ‘unconfirmed’.

“It is highly improbable that such a thing exists – and if it did it would hardly be likely to turn up in Petersfield, home of the world’s largest active car park (reports passim).

“We would need to see hard evidence such as a parking ticket or a photograph. Many such sightings can be explained by the imbibing of too much alcohol.”

But the explanation did not convince one local resident who insists he saw a traffic warden only this morning.

“I came staggering out of the Square Brewery after a heavy breakfast and there was a glowing yellow light moving closer toward me,” said Noah Waiting.

“Once I refocused my eyes the light became a glowing band around a hat and the traffic warden approached me bearing what appeared to be a pad of parking tickets. I race inside the Square Brewery to tell everybody but when we re-emerged the traffic warden had vanished.

“Nobody believes me but I know what I saw…"