How the council spends your money

As easy as pie

 

Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.

 

Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.

 

Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.

 

The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .

 

Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

PRATS - Petersfield's vocal locals

Cam Payne, Petersfield's biggest PRAT

A new website has been launched to enable Petersfield residents to object to the many things they object to “in a more organised manner”.

The man behind the website, Cam Payne, chairman of the vocal local organisation Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes this is a major step forward in the town’s ability to complain irrationally about all manner of topics.

He said: “Petersfield residents are renowned for objecting – whether it’s against planning applications, the closure of the Town Square, car parking, pavements, the lack of organic five-a-day vegetables, the increasing appearance of fog or a failure to increase oxygen levels for old people.

“While these are all valid objections, as a town we need to have a more co-ordinated approach. Too often the protests are limited to individuals posting leaflets on telegraph poles or somebody writing a letter of ill-informed complaint to the local newspaper.

“The launch of the new website will enable us to protest in a more organised manner. And it will also lead to more concerted and visible campaigns. For a start, this week, following on from the much publicised ‘Occupy’ protests in New York and London , we are holding an Occupy Cloisters march.

“It will start at the statue in the centre of the square and culminate at the Cloisters coffee bar where protesters will occupy all the tables, pausing only to order the occasional latte and eggs Benedict.

“And if, as expected, the protest gathers momentum we will be able to nip across the square to Milletts and purchase some thick socks or even a tent. For most people this will only differ from their normal day in that they will be ordering eggs Benedict instead of a smoked salmon bagel – but the important thing is we have to start somewhere. And the website has enabled us to do that.”

The website comprises a simple content management system into which visitors add in relevant information in order to generate a campaign. These include ‘cause of ire’; ‘action required’; ‘how many angry residents do you require?’; and a multiple-choice section for ‘required action’, which includes tick-boxes for ‘angry letter to the paper’; ‘angry photograph in the paper’; ‘poster pinned up angrily in the library’; or ‘angry stall in town square at next event organised by an angry Ben Errey.

Olympic torch to bypass Petersfield?

Hardly a shining example

 

Plans for the Olympic torch to be brought to Petersfield in July could be thrown into chaos because of unregulated parking in the town.

Sebastian Coe, the former Olympic gold medallist turned Conservative party mouthpiece, admitted the health and safety of the runner could not be guaranteed in Petersfield.

He said: “Petersfield has become renowned for the haphazard and unregulated parking which has been encouraged by the town’s independent shopkeepers.

“It is not right to ask somebody carrying the Olympic torch to weave in and out of badly parked cars just to visit a tin-pot Hampshire market town. We have to be able to guarantee the safety of the runner and we can’t currently do that.

“In addition, the predilection for local farmers to muck spread and fill the town with noxious gases on warm days in July and August does not sit well with the idea of a naked flame. Hence we are currently reconsidering our initial route.”

The news will horrify the town’s residents who are still reeling from the news that a giant screen planned for the town square during the Olympics has been banned owing to fears of a loss of trade by pan-pipe buskers.

But news of the potential re-routing was welcomed by local jeweller Matt Tress, head of a local independent traders group. He said: “I welcome people double-parking illegally outside my shop – it means they’re more likely to come in and pay through the nose for their purchases. It’s good to see that people are thinking of the small shopkeeper for once.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised a full investigation into the issue and is likely to favour whichever option can provide him with the most votes and the best PR.

Police to adopt zero tolerance in Petersfield

Police in Petersfield have requested the help of the community as they look to adopt a zero-tolerance policy on traffic offences in the town.

PC Brigade, who patrols the town on a six-monthly basis, explained: “We have started issuing tickets to people parking where they shouldn’t be. It is a revolutionary idea but we think it might work.

“And we are adopting a zero-tolerance policy. On the rare occasion we may visit the town, if there’s anybody parked illegally we will issue a ticket – it will cost a minimum of £40, but does include a three-course lunch, welcome drink and a raffle, with all proceeds going towards the police benefit charity.

“But we can only ease the parking problem in the town with the help of the community, so we are asking residents not to park illegally. Again, it’s a simple idea but we believe it may prove more effective than yellow lines and no-parking signs.”

If the scheme is successful PC Brigade believes the police authorities may adopt it to deal with other issues.

He added: “It’s not inconceivable that we may ask people nicely if they could stop taking drugs, avoid breaking into people’s houses and refrain from punching each other’s lights out in the Square on a Friday and Saturday night.

“If they don’t we may be forced to post a polite note through their letterbox asking if they could spare the time to come down to the station and maybe undertake a visit to a local court.”

What have the Romans ever done for us?

Rare Roman parking tablets, left, and Upforanorgy, still looking for that perfect bone.

  

Excavations at the Ill Intent have resulted in extraordinary and groundbreaking finds that have excited Petersfield's incredibly popular archaeologist Claudia Upforanorgy.

She said: "If you recall, last week I predicted that there was a good chance that the Roman settlement that was here nearly two thousand years ago, reflected the current usage of the site. What we have found is astonishing.

"We didn't find teeth bleaching products that vain Romans might have used in an expensive dentist, nor did we find urns that would have contained ale and wine. If that sounds disappointing, what we found far surpassed those hopes and our wildest imagination. We found Roman parking tablets!"

These incredible artefacts have not been found anywhere in the world let alone at a British outpost.

The five parking tablets are in fantastic condition and clearly show an extortionate parking fine of one million Dinar.

"This really is like the Holy Grail," declared Upforanorgy. "Equally remarkable is the slightly less decipherable but still fairly clear small print on the back.

 You wouldn't want to fight this fine.

  

"So not only did the Romans give us straight roads and metalled surfaces, they also introduced the notion of unfeasibly high parking fines, with enforcement. This is a defining moment in Roman excavation.

"This has been such a fantastic weekend, surpassing my wildest dreams. The Time Team boys have been fantastic with some of the real men helping me out with a dig of my own. My legs are going weak again at the thought of it."

The landlord of the Ill Intent, Phil Harup was quick to offer his opinion.

"Lovely carpets," he said. "But boy can those Time Team buggers drink. Also that Claudia whatserface managed to break one of our beds. Idiot.”

Real reason for Ugandan twinning is revealed

This Ugandan Big Issue seller shows more entreprenurial spirit than Petersfield's

Workers from Uganda have been searching for a credible reason to visit Petersfield for years. Now, the realisation that their Queen Elizabeth National Park almost shares its name with our local amenity has provided the perfect excuse.

Other similarities between the two parks can be found in their size, climate and wildlife. Uganda's national park consists of 770 square miles of rich safari parkland populated by African wildlife - lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) - while ours is a hill on which some dogs once got lost.

But the real attractions for our Ugandan visitors are in Petersfield itself. By studying our world-famous approach to urban planning, our legendary Post Office queuing system and our advanced traffic management techniques, the visitors will learn a range of skills they can later introduce to Ugandan society.

One of the visiting Ugandans whose name we, like the Petersfield Proust, didn't risk trying to spell said: "Coming to Petersfield has taught me how you can replace a single traffic warden with a complex system of residents' parking permits, kerbside restrictions and extended Sunday parking charges and still end up no better off. Now I understand the decline of the British Empire."

Other tips the Ugandans might learn include how to hold an election without your country decending into violence and how to avoid sentencing practising homosexuals to death. All useful skills in the 21st century.

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
 

The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”

Extinct species spotted in Petersfield shocker

Petersfield children were afforded the rare sight of a flypast

by a policeman yesterday for the first time since VE Day

Petersfield Newswire has received an extraordinary photograph from one of our “adoring” readers, who couldn't believe his luck.

Ivor Fyne was both the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Petersfield yesterday and has the photographic evidence to prove it.

Fyne told us: “I got a bloody parking ticket. I was parked outside the Post Office for a couple of hours, in what used to be a 30-minute slot - but as we all know you can pretty much ignore that. When along comes the old bill and bingo, I've got a ticket.”

While such a scenario is extraordinary in itself, Fyne remains upbeat after benefiting from the sight of two rare occurrences happening simultaneously – rather like an eclipse.

“It was as I was taking a snap of the copper writing my ticket, I noticed that despite it being the middle of the day, and not a bank holiday or a Sunday ... there was no queue outside the Post Office,” said a dumbfounded Fyne.

Fyne now has a picture of this doubly unlikely event, which could be worth thousands to a collector of such unusual historical events. He could consequently make a substantial profit from the day - and the parking ticket will be a mere trifle in comparison.

Commenting on the presence of a police officer in the town, a spokesman for Hampshire Constabulary explained: “We had to have an officer in Petersfield at some time. The ConDem government is looking to cut 25 per cent of all police on the beat. And even a primary school child knows that a quarter of nothing is still nothing.

“This allows us to tick a few boxes after the comprehensive cutting review.”

Nick Clegg is 43.

Pull the other one

Rugger buggers out on the pull

Two of Petersfield’s major sports clubs will battle it out on the streets of Petersfield next weekend.

Petersfield RFC and Petersfield Town FC face a battle of strength along the High Street when they take part in a charity vehicle pull competition on Sunday, August 29.

The town’s biggest club, the golf club, declined to join in, with a representative saying that many of their members were unable to carry their own golf bag, so an event like this was completely out of the question.

The rugby club put on a tremendously successful field gun display at last year's festivities, and this seemed the next logical step.

Petersfield FC will pull any illegally parked cars to Chapel Street and Petersfield RFC will pull vehicles to College Street. The winning team will be the one that has moved the greatest number of vehicles at the end of the day.

Mark Etstall speaking on behalf of Petersfield Festivities told us: “We always have a huge problem with vehicles being parked where they shouldn’t be and in the knowledge that we have no traffic warden, everyone will be out to take the piss.

“The police are supposed to be concentrating some of their efforts on parking controls, but I understand they dedicated a few hours to traffic control back at the beginning of August, so we won’t see them again until September.”

No Mourning Clampers

Sundance Security gunning for ya.

A ban on wheel-clamping has been welcomed by the Petersfield protest group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS).

Legislation to be introduced in November will result in anyone clamping a vehicle or towing it away on private land facing tougher penalties, the government has said.

And the move has delighted campaigners in Petersfield.

Cam Payne, the founder member of PRATS, said: “This is not something we have been campaigning against and it is great that it has been brought to our attention in time for us to contact a local newspaper in order to be pictured celebrating.

“It’s particularly encouraging in a town like Petersfield where an increasingly aging population often pause to capture their breath only to find their leg has been clamped by an unscrupulous security guard.

“For example, there is a jeweller in town where if people spend too long browsing the window, they will be clamped and towed away to the 99p Store.”

However, critics of the plans fear drivers could exploit the move by parking without thought on other people’s property.

Jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress said: “This legislation will allow for more window shopping which does not pay the bills. Clamping old people and charging them £80 to be released does pay the bills, however. This is just a fact of life and such legislation does is not worthy of the Tory government most of us in Petersfield wanted.”

Regional and local transport minister Norman Baker said “cowboy clampers” had had “ample opportunity to mend their ways but the cases of bullying and extortion persisted”, arguing that rules governing parking on private land needed to be “proportionate”.

But Butch Cassidy of Sundance Security denied that wheel clampers were cowboys.

“Yeehaa!,” he said. “Ya’ll just tryin’ ‘a make a livin’…

“People should just get off their high horse and drink their milk…”