Blooming marvellous

 

 The stunning display at what was the White Hart

‘Petersfield in Bloom’ judges may have a difficult decision to make when deciding this year’s winners - unbelievable really when nearly all townsfolk thought the matter was going to be a mere formality.

The facade of The Ill Intent is such a splendid splash of colour this year that presenting the coveted award to anyone else did seem as though it would be a complete travesty.

The transformation of the front of the popular pub has been achieved in the worrying knowledge that the building could have been levelled at any time to make way for a Roman excavation.

But, there’s a new kid on the block.

What was once a rival pub, The White Hart has turned itself into a vertical garden and is a fantastic display of greenery with a splash of colour in the way of roses to set off the ivy. Even the ‘for sale’ signs have been removed to enhance the effect.

A passing Charlie Dimmock, who has struggled to find work on the telly lately, acknowledged the quality of the building. The bra-less dibber said: “This is architectural gardening of the highest order. You need to consider the healthy and vigorous growth and the fantastic form.

 Dimmock, trying to get somebody interested

in her water features

  

“This type of structural display doesn’t just happen, it takes years of planning and I understand the owners have been insistent that nobody parks anywhere near to the greenery to ensure healthy growth.

“This is a real ‘tour de force’; gardeners will come from miles around to see this.

“Do you know how I can get hold of the owners? Firstly I really think this display would benefit from a water feature here at the front. Secondly I need to speak to somebody about the clamp on my car...”

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Churches may foot bill for 'illegal parking'

 Penny Pinching

East Hampshire District Council has hit upon a unique way of boosting its flagging finances – it’s started clamping illegally parked piles of snow in its car parks.

Penny Pinching, the council’s finance officer, explained: “At a hastily convened council meeting, a resolution was passed to treat piles of snow as we would any other illegally parked item.

“Admittedly the wheelclamps have had to be modified slightly but at £400 per day we believe that, across all our parks, we will soon have sufficient funds to send all our officers and councillors on a free ‘fact-finding mission’ to the Caribbean before any more snow falls.”

Ms Pinching accepted that the policy might be difficult to enforce but insisted the full force of civil law would be brought to bear on transgressors.

She added: “One might imagine that ownership of the snow might be difficult to substantiate, but if it has been piled up by an individual or corporation then that person or corporation is culpable and will be fined accordingly.

“And if ownership can not be proved in this realm then we will simply bill all the local churches, for if they believe in and worship God, then it is only right and proper they are prepared to pay His debts.

“The charges will accumulate on a daily basis because extensive research has shown us that towing away snow is like trying to nail water to a wall.”

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
 

The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”

No Mourning Clampers

Sundance Security gunning for ya.

A ban on wheel-clamping has been welcomed by the Petersfield protest group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS).

Legislation to be introduced in November will result in anyone clamping a vehicle or towing it away on private land facing tougher penalties, the government has said.

And the move has delighted campaigners in Petersfield.

Cam Payne, the founder member of PRATS, said: “This is not something we have been campaigning against and it is great that it has been brought to our attention in time for us to contact a local newspaper in order to be pictured celebrating.

“It’s particularly encouraging in a town like Petersfield where an increasingly aging population often pause to capture their breath only to find their leg has been clamped by an unscrupulous security guard.

“For example, there is a jeweller in town where if people spend too long browsing the window, they will be clamped and towed away to the 99p Store.”

However, critics of the plans fear drivers could exploit the move by parking without thought on other people’s property.

Jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress said: “This legislation will allow for more window shopping which does not pay the bills. Clamping old people and charging them £80 to be released does pay the bills, however. This is just a fact of life and such legislation does is not worthy of the Tory government most of us in Petersfield wanted.”

Regional and local transport minister Norman Baker said “cowboy clampers” had had “ample opportunity to mend their ways but the cases of bullying and extortion persisted”, arguing that rules governing parking on private land needed to be “proportionate”.

But Butch Cassidy of Sundance Security denied that wheel clampers were cowboys.

“Yeehaa!,” he said. “Ya’ll just tryin’ ‘a make a livin’…

“People should just get off their high horse and drink their milk…”