Bird-brained plan

Finger lickin' good, and that was just the pole-dancing club

Residents could pay a heavy, finger-lickin’ price after the ex-White Hart was snubbed in this year’s Petersfield In Bloom.

Owner Max Prophet has come up with a zinger of a plan to hit back at the ‘floral snobs’ who overlooked his ‘Victorian wild meadow’ effort to win the top horticultural accolade.

“How can someone with a couple of dried up window boxes beat my offering?” he moaned. “My installation has been described by professionals as akin to a vertical Kew Gardens, put in place for the delight of the Petersfield public.”

But Prophet has sworn vengeance on the town and has come up with a nightmare scenario.

“At first I considered turning the White Hart into a lap-dancing club, with massage parlour upstairs,” he revealed in an exclusive Newswire interview. “But then I realised that most members of PRAT (Petersfield Residents Against Things) would actually be it’s biggest customers – albeit by sneaking in the back door, so to speak.

“Then I hit on a scheme to really bring shame on the area. I can’t say too much about it but it’s a joint project with a certain Colonel from, er, Kentucky and it will give me revenge by the bucketload…bargain buckets, you might say.”

Blooming marvellous

 

 The stunning display at what was the White Hart

‘Petersfield in Bloom’ judges may have a difficult decision to make when deciding this year’s winners - unbelievable really when nearly all townsfolk thought the matter was going to be a mere formality.

The facade of The Ill Intent is such a splendid splash of colour this year that presenting the coveted award to anyone else did seem as though it would be a complete travesty.

The transformation of the front of the popular pub has been achieved in the worrying knowledge that the building could have been levelled at any time to make way for a Roman excavation.

But, there’s a new kid on the block.

What was once a rival pub, The White Hart has turned itself into a vertical garden and is a fantastic display of greenery with a splash of colour in the way of roses to set off the ivy. Even the ‘for sale’ signs have been removed to enhance the effect.

A passing Charlie Dimmock, who has struggled to find work on the telly lately, acknowledged the quality of the building. The bra-less dibber said: “This is architectural gardening of the highest order. You need to consider the healthy and vigorous growth and the fantastic form.

 Dimmock, trying to get somebody interested

in her water features

  

“This type of structural display doesn’t just happen, it takes years of planning and I understand the owners have been insistent that nobody parks anywhere near to the greenery to ensure healthy growth.

“This is a real ‘tour de force’; gardeners will come from miles around to see this.

“Do you know how I can get hold of the owners? Firstly I really think this display would benefit from a water feature here at the front. Secondly I need to speak to somebody about the clamp on my car...”

A rum deal

Land ahoy!

A Bermudan sea captain found himself marooned in the middle of Petersfield on Monday and he has absolutely no idea how he got here.

Captain Skat was clearly still suffering from shock when he told Newswire: "Shiver me timbers. I was heading sow-sow-west towards Haiti from Bermuda when all-a-sudden there was this blinding flash and me ship started to pitch violently, I was about to batten down me hatches.

"Afore the ship's bell could chime twice, we seemed to have run aground and I was here in what I now understand is the car park of the Olde White Hart. I was standing face to face with a figure in black who I thought was Old Davey Jones, I thought my time was up and I'd weighed anchor for the last time.

"The ghastly figure grinned a semi-toothless grin and handed me a small piece of parchment, I was convinced it was the accursed black spot … but the chitty read ‘Parking Violation’."

While Captain Skat was understandably glad to have survived the ordeal, he is bewildered as to how he could have been transported from an infamous stretch of the Atlantic Ocean to the car park of the White Hart.

"It's the Devil's work", he insisted.

The mysteries of this feared stretch of water are well documented, although none of them are understood. And Petersfield Community Support Officers are dumbfounded at the misfortune of the visiting skipper.

"I caaaaan't believe me luck either," said Captain Skat "To have fallen prey to the malevolent power of the Bermuda Triangle…"

"It's not so much that" said the attending PCSO, "it's to have ended up in the White Hart car park of all places, perched on a tow-trolley, incurring a mooring-fee-cum-parking-violation of £2500 – now that’s unlucky."

However, the attention to detail of the enforcement troops of the White Hart has inspired the Royal Navy which is considering utilising their talents off the Somali coast where pirates regularly hijack vessels of all sizes.

Cmdr C Shanty, from the Ministry of Defence’s little-known parking division, said: “These chaps might prove ideal in our fight against Somali pirates. If they can clamp a few of them that would be spiffing; if on the other hand a few of them were shot by the pirates they won’t be missed. Everyone’s a winner as I believe they say in the lower echelons of society.”