Friday, December 23, 2011

Ho ho ho.

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Petersfield: Sleepy market town

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming  Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Survival not nailed-on certainty

 Richard Bingham, behind closed doors since 1974

In a dramatic turn of events, a shop about which few people have heard and even fewer use, is in danger of closing unless more people know about it and use it.

The Unitary bookshop is located in a series of underground tunnels originally built in the 60s to house right-wing Conservative councillors in case of a left-wing revolution. As the Cold War due to a close, Glasnost prevailed and Tony Blair headed the Labour Party, all fears of the left-wing ever having a voice again faded completely and one of the dark tunnels was turned over to the entrepreneurial Archbishop of Herne Farm who inaugurated a secular, yet highly religious bookshop within.

Now, after more than 30 years of waiting for somebody to come through the door, the bookshop is in danger of closing. It is news which has saddened several of the volunteers who work there.

Richard Bingham, the seventh Earl of Lucan, has volunteered in the shop since 1974 and was distraught to learn of its possible closure.

With his words spoken by an actor, he said: “I’ve been hidden here for more than 30 years and the thought of having to move somewhere else if the shop should close is heartbreaking. It’s come as something of a shock – almost as much of a shock as that day in 1987 when somebody came in. But he was looking for the Physic garden and we were able to send him on his way.

“By the way, what IS a Physic Garden ?”

A spokesman for rival capitalist bookshop Hellstones, Lucifer Dark-Lord, said: “It’s such a shame that in a largely secular society there is no room for a shop such as this: one selling cards, books and wooden toys designed to brainwash people into denying science.

“Mind you the authors of those books have been around for years trying to flog their wares. It’s time for the new bright young authors like Richard Dawkins to have a chance at hitting the bestseller lists.”

The Unitary Bookshop is a family run business still managed by three generations: father, son and holy nephew. A spokesman recalled: “We’ve always had a variety of books. The first book was Genesis – we sold a lot of those until people started bringing them back having thought they were a biography of a 70s rock band.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Petersfield news ... from Petersfield papers

A round-up of the best stories from
this week's Petersfield media...

 Bonfire fodder

Error leads to aphtae epizooticae mix-up

An administrative error at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) is being blamed for the deliberate burning of 15 paintings at the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists Gallery in Selborne.

A spokesman for DEFRA admitted: “It was an easy mistake to make particularly as the pictures concerned were all of a bovine nature. It is disappointing, but, on the other hand, it is reassuring to know we can act so promptly to allay public fears.”

Top comic may be Hounded out


The Christmas show at Petersfield Comedy Club may or may not be headlined by a top TV comedy act depending on whether he gets a better paying gig. Or not.

There will be other comedians on the bill, however, and if audience members who have paid to see the TV star, who may or may not participate, are disappointed they may be able to get their money back. Or not.

Old Bill on the Liss

 You're nicked me olde beauty

The lack of police coverage in East Hampshire was illustrated last week when a talk on the police was given at the Liss Area Historical Society.

Local policing as history. It doesn’t need us to say any more, does it?