Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

24/7 Surveillance

RoboWarden hits the streets of Petersfield

David Cameron’s idea of employing a SuperCop for London has resulted in Petersfield getting its own RoboWarden.

Colin Allcars, speaking on behalf of Petersfield Town Council, said: “Like London, the situation in Petersfield is out of control; except we don’t have rioters, we have mindless parking violators.

“People think they can simply park anywhere, and up ‘til now, who would stop them. This is where Petersfield’s similarity with London ends, in the capital the police were at times powerless; down here they simply couldn’t be arsed.

“But now we have RoboWarden. Things are definitely going to change around here.”

We asked Allcars how much it was going to cost Petersfield’s townsfolk to employ the 6’ 4” tungsten enforcer.

“Only $12,000 a month, that’s around £7,500 and our conservative estimate of what he will bring in per day is around £3,000, and that’s before you take into account car sales.

“We have increased our fines and failure to pay on the spot will result in vaporisation, with the car, if a wreck, being crushed immediately. In cases where the car has some value, it will be sold on to increase profits.

“Congestion in the town will soon be a thing of the past. 

We also understand RoboWarden will be making an appearance at the town’s Summer Festival, where thugs and disgruntled drivers will be able to throw apples, gathered  from the tree outside the library, at the tungsten ticketer for only £5 a go. Long queues are anticipated.