Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Petersfield paper upsets reader with 'news agenda'

The head teacher at Bojangles School addresses
the press following the expulsion of six pupils

A Petersfield busy-body is up in arms after a news story about a posh school appeared in this week’s Petersfield Proust.

Local landowner Lucinda Forty-Acres dedicates her time to ensuring hundreds of pictures of her friends’ families get featured in local papers every week.

But this week she was horrified to see coverage of yet another end-of-term prom relegated to the back of the paper to allow for four paragraphs of coverage on a school drugs story leading her to believe the paper had a 'hidden news agenda'.

Six pupils from £10k per-term posh Bojangles School have been expelled after being caught in possession of cannabis and the town’s leading paper with a red masthead afforded the story coverage on page three.

This outraged Ms Forty-Acres who said: “There were plenty more pretty prom dresses to be featured not to mention at least a dozen local fetes which didn’t get featured in this week’s Proust – all so they could dedicate six paragraphs to this non-news event.

“I don’t spend 42p a week on my Petersfield Proust to read about things which are featured in national newspapers like the Daily Telegraph.

“The people at the Petersfield Proust should remember who their readership is: we want lots of line-ups of youngsters partaking in American pastimes, women-who-lunch giving up their time free-of-charge to smile at cameramen and animals, lots of animals.

“Stories like the one about Bojangles School are not of interest. After all cannabis is such a working class drug – at a fee-paying school they should be taking heroine like my daughter Jocasta.”

A spokesman for the Petersfield Proust refuted allegations that there was a ‘news agenda’ at the paper owned by profligate publishing company I’m Alright John Press.

He said: “I’m sorry Ms Forty-Acres is upset, but if she looks carefully at this week’s edition, she will notice there are only three or four stories which could ever be described as news.

"As always we have concentrated on contributed material largely made up of firing squad pictures of middle-class youngsters and ladies, who should, by rights, be members of the Women’s Institute.”

Monday, June 28, 2010

Westwood blows his own trumpet

John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood
with his new vuvuzela

Portsmouth Football Club’s self appointed Chief of Noise, John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood, had an opportunity to try out the FIFA World Cup’s instrument of choice, the vuvuzela.

Diehard Pompey fan and noise abatement nightmare Westwood said: “It’s fantastic, it’s like a dream come true. You can’t get any sort of a tune out of it and nobody could possibly expect you to.

“I’m always being asked how the hell it is possible that after decades of practice, I am still unable to get any sort of melody out of my bugle. Well I can now put those days behind me.”

After he was pressed on his tuneless bugle playing the Petersfield resident confided: “I can be quite harmonic when I’m sober, I’d like to see any member of the London Symphony Orchestra's brass section stand up and play after twelve pints of beer!”

So will Westwood be taking one of the new vuvus to Fratton Park next season?
“Absolutely”, he insisted.

“The timing isn’t brilliant, I’ve just splashed out on a new cavalry bugle and I can’t see me using that now. With one of these babies I can make all the racket I want and not be accused of being unmusical.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

East Havantshire's spending plans

In its emergency budget, the newly merged council of unequals has announced spending cuts on public services and a new tax on Petersfield families.

The new SNATCH (Send Nearly All The Cash to Havant) charge will be levied on all Petersfield homes from September. In a personal touch seldom seen in local government, "inspectors" from Havant's Leigh Park "collection agency" will call on homes throughout Petersfield demanding the money.

At the same time, public spending cutbacks could see significant changes in council services. However, East Havantshire has sought to reassure local people that some aspects of council activity are protected.

Speaking from its headquarters at Penniless Place, spokesman Owen Fortunes said: "While extravagant luxuries such as road cleaning and refuse collection could indeed be cut back, be assured that the council will never compromise on essential local services like Partners magazine and Butserfest."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Petersfield residents help to fund Colombian coke wagon

The generosity of Petersfield residents will help bus driver
Pablo Escobar get the kids to school on time

A group of children on the other side of the world will soon be taught the meaning of the word “traffic” thanks to the generosity of Petersfield shoppers.

Visitors to a fun day in Rams Walk last weekend helped to raise £894 towards the cost of a minibus which will be used for transportation of children and soft drinks in and around Fusa, a remote town in Colombia.

The fundraising event, organised by the South American Poor Society (SAPS) involved picking up loose change dropped in Rams Walk by Petersfield’s affluent population.

Ewen Meermugs, SAPS chairman, was delighted with the sum raised saying: “We planned this day knowing we were almost guaranteed to make a small fortune.

“It is well known that the shoppers who park in Petersfield’s dearer car park and shop at the expensive supermarket, don’t bother to pick up dropped coins. If it’s a pound or less they can’t be bothered, it’s deemed embarrassing.

“All we had to do to reach this magnificent total was gather all the loose coins that we could find on the day.”

Meermugs said the people of Fusa have been quite specific about the specification of the minibus. Designed to look like any normal Colombian school bus the vehicle must be bullet proof and fitted with a false floor.

While these enhancements may seem a little extreme to some, operating in such a volatile region, prone to ambush and attack, the Colombians insist it is imperative that the children’s school books can be hidden away safely.

With the safety of the children paramount, a further secret compartment will house a weapon for use by the driver in extreme circumstances. Further subtle defence systems may also be added if sufficient funding can be raised.

Meermugs was emphatic regarding the need for the minibus, advising how Fusans are currently having to use a clapped-out estate car for all school runs and coke deliveries.

"We need to raise £10,000” said Meermugs. “We already send £8,000 every month. This is needed for coke. That seems a lot of money for a children’s drink but we are assured this funding is absolutely necessary."

Monday, June 21, 2010

Capello method blamed for Petersfield slump

A spokesman for the Capello Management Technique© responds
badly to criticism from a Petersfield Newswire reporter

We apologise for the dearth of decent Petersfield Newswire stories lately - but we have been employing a new Capello management method.

In order to keep our writers, ahem, fresh, they are told just two hours before deadline whose turn it is to write today's story.

Unfortunately, so far, it has not proved as successful as we had hoped as writers have invariably been 'taking their son to athletics', 'watching Italy/Brazil/Argentina in the World Cup', or simply 'down the pub' when they get the notification - hence not giving them time to prepare.

In addition, those who have been aware of their selection have seemed disinterested, unable to string more than a couple of words together, and write like they've never met any other members of the Newswire team.

"We're beginning to suspect that this Capello management method is not as good as it was cracked up to be," said a Newswire spokesman. "We may have to revert to good old traditional 'kick and rush' style of writing which proved more successful in the past.

"And if that fails, we'll just lump a few story ideas to the big bloke up front."

Friday, June 18, 2010

All hail the Queen of East Havantshire

A map showing the rough outline of the area covered by the joint council

Following the news that East Hampshire and Havant councils are to be jointly run the newly enthroned Queen of East Havantshire has made her inaugural statement to her loyal subjects within the combined district.

Speaking from her the gold-encrusted power boudoir within Penns Palace, the Queen decreed: "It is easy to assume that East Hampshire and Havant are so different and incompatible that the new Kingdom of East Havantshire is an ill-conceived social experiment, certain to end in big Queenie tears.

"Yes, areas around Petersfield have many wealthy residents investing in public services by paying tax on large properties while places like Havant, er, haven't.

"But as your Queen, it is my solemn and regal duty to point out that Havant and Petersfield are in fact perfectly suited to each other.

"Petersfield is an affluent, leafy and creative market town which boasts a huge sense of local pride, successful schools and a strong beating heart at the centre of the community. And that's exactly what the people of Havant want too.

"People choose to live in Petersfield because they value the open spaces, the excellent transport links and its enviable position at the centre of the South Downs National Park. People in Havant share that envy.

"And Petersfield families have shown they know how to manage their money while people of Havant want some of it.

"See. A match made in Havantshire. Welcome to my world."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The grass is always Greener

Absolute Dobbin just outside the box

A horse named Absolute Dobbin made front page headlines in last week's Petersfield Post, when his owners kitted him out in full England kit.

This was all meant as something of a joke, but following England's opening match against the USA, Dobbin has received the nod from Fabio Capello, who is looking to use him in goal for the remaining group games.

Capello told us: "I now see my mistake. Clearly. James is England number one and I should have used him against the USA. I should take responsibility. Full responsibility."

England have requested that Absolute Dobbin be drafted in, and while these are unusual circumstances it is thought FIFA will allow us to exchange a horse for a donkey on the premise that he is team mascot.

Absolute Dobbin was today trying out his new England goalkeeper's kit and in a short practice session, any balls that were thrown straight at him bounced off and did not pass. A marked improvement on the current incumbent's ability.

Dobbin's owners who live in Rake are thrilled at the news, and are very much looking forward to seeing him on the TV.

They told us: "To be honest this all started out as somethig of a joke. We heard the Petersfield Post were struggling for a headline and we thought... I know, let's put a football shirt on Dobbin.

"Now of course desperate times call for desperate measures; we're just glad we can help in some small way."

Friday, June 11, 2010

You’re having a laugh…

You have to laugh

If you’ve just lost your job, you’re ill or clinically depressed (or possibly all three!), don’t worry.

Under a new scheme unveiled this week you’ll be able to waste some of the tiny amount of cash you have left paying someone to laugh at you.

The all-new P***-Taking Clinic has been set up by cynics lecturer Pat Ronise of Clanfield and the first session is just 50p (including a FREE folder to file handouts from future sessions which cost just £150 an hour).

“When I first started this I didn’t think for a minute anyone would take it seriously,” admitted Pat, who has been studying ‘econo-cynics’ since being bailed out by the public in her last job as a City banker.

“But then I got a massive free spread in my local newspaper - where the lack of staff means they’ll print any old drivel without checking it – and before I knew it people were actually demanding to have the p*** taken out of them. And paying me for it!”

Asked if the clinic might be ‘exploiting’ na├»ve and vulnerable people, she replied: “If these sad losers want to pay me to point at them and snigger, they actually need more help than I can give.

“But if they’re daft enough to hand over cash for something so patently stupid they deserve all they get – and they probably deserve to be the butt of a few jokes as well. Bloody losers!

“Besides, if they come to my ‘clinic’, they won’t be cluttering up doctors’ surgeries droning about being depressed. And if I can drive them swiftly towards a full-on breakdown, they can go straight to casualty at Portsmouth, thereby saving local facilities for all the old dears with bunions and so on.”

Further information on paying for p***-taking is available on

Monday, June 07, 2010

Sweet dreams

A small selection of the sweets available at the Festival

Petersfield Food Festival was hailed an unmitigated success by the partners of town dental practice, Ing and Iller.

Senior partner Phil Ing enthused: “It went better than we could ever have hoped to be honest”, beaming one of those white and gleaming smiles that gives away someone who works in a dental practice - or with money to burn.

Ing’s partner Dr Iller was equally effusive, adding: “The predicted thunderstorms stayed away and the ratio of stalls selling sweets and sugary fare was much higher than last year.

“You always get a few hippy do-gooders trying to sell straw-infused products, but I was more than reassured at the sight of sugar sweet mountains and stall after stall of liquorice, bon-bons and fudge.

Petersfield folk turned up in their thousands to this year’s event, and most could be seen munching their way along the stalls. There were vendors selling meat, cheese, curry, jam, paella, olives and bread. But for every cheese stall there were at least 10 selling sweets.

“We have been turning people away this morning,” Dr Iller confirmed. “One unfortunate soul chipped one of his molars on some stale bread and another was surprised to discover she hadn’t bought stoned olives.

“The real benefit for us is the investment in the future, not the odd ciabatta-related injury but the sustained rotting of teeth and the forming of bad habits for the years to come.”

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Sex shop demanded for Petersfield

Petersfield residents have overwhelmingly called for Ann Summers to open a shop in the town.

A survey on East Hampshire’s leading spoof news website, Petersfield Newswire, showed that almost 90 per cent of people polled wanted the sex aids chain to open in preference to yet another coffee shop.

A spokesman for the swingers’ group Petersfield Residents Inspiring Carnal Knowledge (PRICK) insisted the store would boost flagging sex lives in the town and provide a fillip to Boots, Superdrug and the Bran Tub, who all sell vitamins for the over-50s.

“An Ann Summers shop would have major benefits for the town’s economy,” said Oliver Closehoff.

“Petersfield is a very staid and closeted environment and there is an awful lot of repressed sexual energy here … you only have to watch one of the Petersfield Hi-Lights am-dram productions to see that.

“A shop selling sexy lingerie and love toys has been needed here for some time. The knock-on effects for other retailers would be very telling. For example with so many older ladies in the town they will certainly need to sit down and have a cup of tea or coffee or even something stronger, which is a bonus for the coffee shops and pubs.

“Plus, huge inflatable penises are a prerequisite for those chav teenagers who hire a stretch limo for their prom night or hen night. The benefits to the town are lengthy.

“I’m very excited about the prospect, as you can see if you look closely.”

However, unsurprisingly, the thought of a sex-aid shop in Petersfield has outraged some.

Ben Dover, from the group for the serially outraged, Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS) said: “This is just the sort of thing that might happen if we don’t do something.

“So I’m off to do something. And so is my sister-on-law. Where did you say the shop was?” he asked as he flung his car keys into a pre-Georgian bed pan.

A spokesman for Ann Summers said: “Petersfield? Where the hell’s that?”