Friday, February 26, 2010

Woof, woof, nudge, nudge, say no more

Crunch time for dog biscuit traffickers

Dog owners around Petersfield have been living in fear since the arrival of the latest drug craze in the town.

All town mutts have become the target for ill-informed vigilantes since a group of nosey parents discovered the deadly ‘Woof Woof’ narcotic – by infiltrating young persons’ interweb site thingy Farcebook.

"We found out that young people have been grinding up dog biscuits and eating them," said concerned mum Amelia Churchgoer-Nonce (not her real name).

"Perhaps unsurprisingly, it can lead to vomiting and loss of appetite – but the police just aren’t interested, so we’ve had to take the law into our own hands.

"We’ve got to somehow stop the supply and we believe some dogs have been blatantly leaving their unwanted biscuits just lying around – especially if skinflint owners buy Asda own brand."

Following the disappearance of several canines since the discovery of the deadly ‘Woof Woof’, Mrs Churchgoer-Nonce said: "If the police won’t act, we’ll just have to take the lead … er, if you know what I mean."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pub gets all-clear - but thumbs down from local oik

In what has been described by somebody middle-class as ‘a further victory for common sense’ a popular old Petersfield pub is to be allowed to keep using its mediaeval latrine.

The 17th century The Marrow, at Steep, has also been cleared of breaching the Equal Opportunities Act after undercover investigators discovered no working-class customers during the whole month of January.

A report put before the EO commission stated that ‘only local land-owners appeared to frequent the establishment. During our time there we did not see one youth with his jeans hanging down from his buttocks’.

It added: “The talk was all of local people, their children’s private schools, their horses and how they could no longer maintain a full domestic staff AND two holiday homes. Not once did we hear talk of Cheryl Cole or Big Brother – it seemed wholly exclusive.”

But regular customer Giles Farmer insisted: “Hullo. Hullo. Hullo. What? It just so happens that those are the subjects we prefer to discuss. And we prefer to wear our trousers at waist level – or in some cases, held up by string or hoisted up to our rugby-shirt-covered chest.

“Take the toilet facilities: many of us have domestic staff who still have no indoor plumbing facilities so it’s nothing unusual for us. The sight of somebody leaning out of a first-floor window and emptying a bucket of effluent into the street is a centuries-old British tradition, so we’re delighted to hear it will continue.

“People are too softened by things such as the Human Rights Act these days. If you want breath-mint dispensers, Dyson Airblade hand-dryers and ‘plastic’ food, there will be a Netherboons opening soon in Petersfield. However, if you want proper, decent home-cooked fare and traditional country customs you go to the Marrow.

“It has nothing to do with Class, but everything to do with class.”

Petersfield Newswire sent unemployed, drug-addled teenager Chas Chavley undercover to the Marrow to see how he fared.

He said: “It was shit! There was no jukebox, no pool table, no Sky Sports, no room to lean up against a wall and puke when you’re drunk… rubbish.

“And the bar staff were no good. They were polite and didn’t have their tits hanging out. They offered me something called 'ale' and didn't have any Stella. As for the food, it was full of fresh stuff, vegetables and shit in the soup. No fries anywhere. And the bread was warm for f***’s sake. It’ll never catch on.

“What's more they wouldn't accept credit cards. What's the point of me swiping me mum's plastic if I can't use it? I’m heading back to town.”

Upon hearing this, Newswire editor, DJ Upwardly-Mobile, left his desk, grabbed his jacket and departed with the words “If you need me I’ll be at the Marrow for a lunch of a brie ploughman’s…” hanging in the air.

Monday, February 22, 2010

All downhill from here

How Petersfield's Leigh Park-inspired Olympic flame would look

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) has made a surprise bid to stage the 2018 Winter Olympics.

I C Roads speaking on behalf of PTC said: "We have been monitoring the situation in Vancouver very closely and think we are up to hosting the event in 2018.

"This may sound a bit pie in the sky, but Vancouver had some bad snow like us, theirs has all melted, so they are having to get fresh snow shipped in or manufactured by snow machines.

"The Canadian event has been plagued by parking, transport, and hospitality problems and we think we can at least match what they have achieved.

"I see most events being held on Butser Hill or Harting Down, with some of the other sliding nonsense taking part on some of the downhill stretches of the A3, which at this time of year won't be gritted.

"To add a contemporary feel we can call upon our neighbours in Leigh Park to provide the eternal flame, they can keep those cars alight for weeks so this would hardly be a challenge."

Friday, February 19, 2010

Simply outrageous

Coming to a car park near you from Monday

S&M has announced it is to start charging customers to use its Petersfield car park from Monday, February 22.

The cheapest car park in town, will, over the course of Sunday night, become the most expensive, with customers having to fork out £2 for the first hour and £4 for stays of up to 90 minutes.

In a carefully worded announcement S&M is at pains to point out that this should not affect any of its real customers because the £2 is refundable once any customer spends £10 or more in the store.

The introduction of this system would cause outrage among the customers of many stores, but of course at S&M £10 is pretty much a minimum spend.

We sent our reluctant ace reporter to buy his lunch there today; he came back to HQ with a free-range ham sandwich on pumpkin-seeded malted brown bread, a bottle of old-fashioned lemonade and lime, and a bag of hand-crafted cheddar and chive crisps with a hint of oregano - the cost was £23.12.

We spoke to Claire Duncan-Biscuit who clarified the reasoning behind the change.

She said: “You need to understand that our target customer is aged over 80 with poor eyesight.

“Our customers like to be able to park without any regard for the guide lines that map out the parking bays and they like to have enough room to get in and out of their cars with ease.

“From our studies we estimate that from Monday our car park should be at least 80 per cent empty, giving our loyal customers as much room as they need to swing their car doors open.

“I would also like to reassure our loyal customers that Ray Gunn, our enforcement officer will be on duty to keep the car park clear of 99p Shop oiks. This is not just any car park; this is an S&M car park.”

This is a bold move at a time when car parking in the town centre has never been cheaper. Any visitor to Petersfield knows you can now park anywhere for as long as you like for free.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

MOD documents deny existence of traffic warden

Documents released today by the Ministry of Defence (MOD) have cast doubts over recent sightings of a traffic warden in Petersfield.

More than 6,000 pages of reports describe people’s experiences with unidentified objects, mainly of the flying kind. Government correspondence, local newspaper reports and details of RAF investigations all feature in the files.

And there have been reports over the last 24 hours of the sighting of a traffic warden in the East Hampshire market town, reports which the MOD is keen to play down.

Professor ET Fonhom, from the Department of Denying All Culpability, at the University of Saturn, explained: “These files clearly show that many sightings can be explained by the presence of aliens or people in fancy dress. The recent sighting of a traffic warden in Petersfield would have to be filed under U for ‘unconfirmed’.

“It is highly improbable that such a thing exists – and if it did it would hardly be likely to turn up in Petersfield, home of the world’s largest active car park (reports passim).

“We would need to see hard evidence such as a parking ticket or a photograph. Many such sightings can be explained by the imbibing of too much alcohol.”

But the explanation did not convince one local resident who insists he saw a traffic warden only this morning.

“I came staggering out of the Square Brewery after a heavy breakfast and there was a glowing yellow light moving closer toward me,” said Noah Waiting.

“Once I refocused my eyes the light became a glowing band around a hat and the traffic warden approached me bearing what appeared to be a pad of parking tickets. I race inside the Square Brewery to tell everybody but when we re-emerged the traffic warden had vanished.

“Nobody believes me but I know what I saw…"

Monday, February 15, 2010

Tar for the cover-up

A section of the damaged road before and after repair
Deep pot holes in College Road between The Good Intent public house (GI) and the United Reform Church (URC), created by the recent snow, have been repaired almost faster than they appeared.

College Street resident Bee Wildered said: “It’s incredible. We normally have to wait months for any sort of repair. I can only assume we have a senior councillor or someone influential living in the street.”

However, there are suspicions that the reason for the incredibly swift repair might be the result of a 'back-hander' to the council as images of the damaged road surface come to light.

The picture above was provided to us by Canon Cann, after visiting Petersfield to hold Eucharist at the URC. On close inspection you can just about make out traces of tesserae, possible evidence of Roman occupation.

So why the swift cover-up?

The extent of the hurried repairs is clear

It has been suggested that either the landlord of the GI or the rector of the URC insisted on immediate repairs fearful that if news got out about the archaeological remains, Channel 4’s Time Team could be invited in to dig up the area. Such a project would inevitably mean disruption and loss of custom. The repairs do indeed look hurried and at best temporary.

Phil Harding, the one from Time Team who looks like he needs a shower before he has even started digging, was asked what he thought of the situation.

“Why it’s a dream come true,” he said.

“Looking at this photo, the remains definitely look Roman, which I can tell you will make them pre WWI.

“I have dreamed of a dig like this since the early days of Time Team, can you imagine it? We could dig up the road when the sun is shining and when it rains concentrate on the floors inside both the church and the pub, where we would be sheltered and warm.

“All this, and beer would never be more than a few yards away, superb. When can we start?”

Neither the rector of the GI nor the landlord of the URC were available for comment.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Town council bans Toyotas

Signs have been erected already

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) has imposed an outright ban on all Toyota vehicles driving through the town centre.

With no traffic warden, Petersfield's traffic is often at a standstill with cars and lorries parked on both sides of all roads.

Flo Murreezily, speaking on behalf, of PTC said: "The last thing this town needs is cars with faulty brakes. Anyone who has driven around town recently knows very well that you will use your brake more than your accelerator pedal and so we thought this ban would be a prudent measure."

Sly Dingstop, a senior executive at Toyota. is incensed by the ban. He said: "I should like to point out that Toyota see the issue with the brakes as something of a feature rather than a fault.

"All the greenies these days bang on about carbon emissions and Toyota thought they would do their bit.

"Everyone knows that the faster you drive, the more carbon emissions you produce. Based upon our calculations, since our recent announcements, all Toyota drivers have been driving far more economically and subsequently saving the planet."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Anglers fail to take the bait

Hundreds of fish have hailed Petersfield Angling Club’s decision to leave the town’s lake as “a victory for common sense”.

The club has allowed its lease with Petersfield Town Council to run out after several outbreaks of blue-green algae in the water killed thousands of fish.

But while a spokesman for the club expressed disappointment, the fishes’ representative, Frank Pike, has hailed the move.

He said: “We will now be able to get on with our lives without the fear of being pulled out of the water at all times of the day and night for the amusement of a few individuals.

“Heaven only knows what they get up to in those sleeping bags and bivouacs that give them those disgusting stains. It is a victory for common sense. It's enough to make you believe there is a cod!”

A spokesman for the town council added: “While we are naturally disappointed that the angling club has taken this step it does have a couple of benefits. For a start people can walk round the lake with their children without being told to ‘Shush!’ by the great unwashed.

“And obviously with the lake not in use we can fill it in and use it as a car park like we have done with the High St.

“Everyone’s a winner really…”

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Safe as houses

Soon to be a museum
Petersfield's last remaining council house is to be turned into a museum - as a reminder of the days when ordinary people were allowed to live in the town.

The news follows a report on the homes shortage from the local branch of the Citizens' Advice Bureau, which has been inundated with queries about affordable housing in East Hampshire.

The average price of a family home in Petersfield is now estimated at £2.5million (likely to be more by the time you read this) and all the local authority houses (except the upcoming museum in Cranford Road) have been sold off in a move regarded as a huge success (mainly by people who bought three-bed semis for about 57p and are now sitting on a fortune).

CAB spokesman Mrs Belinda Worthy-but-Pointless said: "We've calculated that those leaving TPS this summer will qualify for a place in an OAP care home long before they reach the top of the council house waiting list."

Monday, February 08, 2010

PJs welcome at Waitrose

A Petersfield supermarket has declared war on Tesco's pyjama ban by welcoming shoppers wearing nightwear.

Waitrose boss Nigel Side-Parting said: "We have no objection to anyone nipping in near closing time wearing their PJs - unless they're made by George at Asda of course.

"What we definitely don't like to see is fat women in tight leggings, those daft Peruvian hats, and people wearing track suit trousers when it's quite evident they haven't indulged in any form of exercise since they were at school."

A spokesman for Morrisons at Horndean added: "We don't care if you dress like a ****ing tramp as long as you're spending money."

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Petersfield enters the record books

Petersfield has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for the first time – as the world’s largest active car park.

Delighted councillors have been patting themselves on the back upon hearing the news, which follows their failure to recruit another traffic warden for the town.

One said: “This really puts Petersfield on the map – the only problem being that when people visit they won’t be able to get into the town because of the number of cars blocking the roads.”

A spokesman for the Guinness Book of World Records confirmed Petersfield’s entry.

He said: “There are larger car park areas in the world - such as those at Disney in Florida -but many of them allocate ‘live’ areas meaning they’re not always in use.

“But it appears that any area in Petersfield is currently open to use as a car parking space. It’s an innovative scheme which is sure to bring the town to people’s attention, particularly when there’s an emergency and the fire brigade and ambulances can’t get through.”

News of the town’s status has already attracted celebrity interest with Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes confirming he is planning to put together a team to make it through the town on a market day.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Letter to the editor

Another missive from our regular letter writer Harold Backhouse.
Please keep them coming Harold - we love 'em.
Send your letters to

Dear Newswire Jonnies,

There you go again - being downright rude and offensive about someone who has worked their socks off to get on (I refer to the banker in your recent rant about cows' noise).

Yes, of course the chap deserves some peace and quiet after making Lord knows how much income for the Treasury in his invaluable work. (And yes, a few well-earned pounds for himself)

Why can't you concentrate on the good news around you? Take a look at the Petersfield Post - it's always brimming with upbeat local news: "Churchers' pupils bring delight to Spanish hockey" and "Churchers' trip rebuilds African country" or "Churchers science pupils discover cure for all diseases."

That's the sort of thing people want to read about - ordinary Petersfield folk at private schools, succeeding through their own hard work and enterprise.

I'm sure if you ring up the headmaster he will give you a 'Good News' exclusive all to yourself.

Yours sincerely

Harold Backhouse

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

A cock and bull story

A sign of the times

An East Meon farmer has been issued with a noise abatement notice to stop his cows moo-ing and his sheep baa-ing.

The move follows a successful gagging order on Colin the cockerel, whose early morning crowing upset neighbours in the nearby village of Ramsdean, who apparently couldn’t believe they were living in a rural idyll.

A clearly distraught Colin was last seen heading for London to pursue a career as a children’s TV character – or at least gain a place on Britain’s Got Talent.

However, the battle between those who want the countryside to clean up its act and belligerently loud farm animals has escalated with a herd of Friesians and a flock of lambs next in the firing line.

"I didn’t blow my £2.5million bonus on a weekend cottage in the countryside to put up with animal noises all day and night," moaned complete banker Sir Nigel Moral-less, who works for City investment group Blowitt & Fuckem and has launched the latest legal bid for rural silence.

"After working my arse off for a couple of hours each week I come out to my country retreat for some peace and quiet and don’t expect to have to put up with wild beasts like cows and sheep marauding around making weird noises.

"The smell of some of these animals is downright appalling too – we’ll have to put a stop to that next. Some of them simply crap in the field where they stand! Surely farmers should have more control over their products than that?

"And when I head off back to town in my 4x4 I don’t expect to have to dodge bloody great pheasants – who seem to think they can walk wherever they like – or drive my pristine machine through mud and God knows what else!

"Can’t these tractor drivers wash off their tyres before taking them on the public highway?

"As far as I can see the countryside is an absolute disgrace and most of the residents seem to live like, well, er, animals."

A passing cow whispered: "Mooo-ve out then you twat!"

Monday, February 01, 2010

Bloomin' 'eck - we can all win

Petersfield in Bloom organisers have added several new categories for the 2010 event to widen the parameters of entry.

A spokesman confirmed to Petersfield Newswire that seven new categories had been added to the private garden section and one for commercial property.

These include:
  • Most rusting kids' toys
  • Potted plant on untaxed car
  • Most colourful mattress
  • Random bits of timber as modern art
  • Car engine as flower pot 
  • Broken furniture with ivy
  • Glass bottles awaiting recycling
  • Best decorated skip
The spokesman confirmed: "In the past there has been criticism that the competition was 'elitist' - that it attracted entries only from a certain type of person.

"While we refute that claim these changes should appeal to the, shall we say, less house-proud citizens of the town and be hugely competitive."

This year's event is sponsored by Papa John's and Domino's, whose leaflets are expected to feature highly in the gardens of the above categories.

Entries to this year's Petersfield in Bloom competition should be written on a McDonalds take-away bag and left to rot in the gutter, in keeping with the new categories of the competition.