More Miaow Miaow nonsense

A decision is needed on the way forward

Hand-wringing and talking complete b******s will be the order of the day at a public meeting called to discuss the threat of ‘legal high’ Miaow Miaow.

The gathering at The Old Dumb on April 22 will be completely ignored by all teenagers, who couldn’t give a toss about the growing crisis over mephedrone - the plant food turned scourge of the nation.

But organiser Dudley Dogooder said: “We’ve called this meeting as a matter of urgency to settle on a proper nickname for the drug.

“If we’re going to fight this threat to society we need to know what it’s called – whether it’s M, cat, M-cat, or Miaow Miaow. For God’s sake one local paper even referred to it as Meow Meow – if journalists can’t even spell it, what chance is there for the rest of us?”

He added for good measure: “This is also a great chance for those of us who know absolutely nothing about it to make ill-informed knee-jerk complaints about the way young people behave these days.

“I’d never heard of this carpet cleaning drug until a few days ago and I don’t know anything about it - but obviously it should be banned.”

Woof, woof, nudge, nudge, say no more

Crunch time for dog biscuit traffickers

Dog owners around Petersfield have been living in fear since the arrival of the latest drug craze in the town.

All town mutts have become the target for ill-informed vigilantes since a group of nosey parents discovered the deadly ‘Woof Woof’ narcotic – by infiltrating young persons’ interweb site thingy Farcebook.

"We found out that young people have been grinding up dog biscuits and eating them," said concerned mum Amelia Churchgoer-Nonce (not her real name).

"Perhaps unsurprisingly, it can lead to vomiting and loss of appetite – but the police just aren’t interested, so we’ve had to take the law into our own hands.

"We’ve got to somehow stop the supply and we believe some dogs have been blatantly leaving their unwanted biscuits just lying around – especially if skinflint owners buy Asda own brand."

Following the disappearance of several canines since the discovery of the deadly ‘Woof Woof’, Mrs Churchgoer-Nonce said: "If the police won’t act, we’ll just have to take the lead … er, if you know what I mean."