Internet bosses declare cyber war on EHDC

Thrilling stuff

Porn barons have joined forces with  Farcebook and Twatter bosses in a furious reaction to East Hampshire District Council’s decision to show council meetings live online.

“I’m furious!” declared Stevie Sleeze, marketing director for boobsonline. “How can we compete with that? It’s all right for them with their exciting debates about footpaths, bus-stops and environmental health licensing – but they’re paying for this internet dominance with taxpayers’ money.

“I mean they’re even talking about a live feed of the debate about dustbin collection times for goodness sake. All I can offer is ‘lusty milfs on bikes’ and ‘teenage vampires in thongs’ – who’s going to be interested in that now?

“It’s a disgrace! During a recession councils should be doing more to encourage entrepreneurs like me, not putting us out of business with their subsidised online excitement.”

Even Farcebook chief executive Marky Zukerberg-Friendslist took time out from tinkering with the format of nine billion users’ home pages and siphoning away the personal information of everyone on the planet to declare: “I’m seriously worried. If this thing takes off, we’re finished – look what happened to those losers at MySpace.”

And Twatter boss Mark ‘Elvis’ Costolo said: “I 8 ths, so unfr bit.lyurlehdc…”

More Miaow Miaow nonsense

A decision is needed on the way forward

Hand-wringing and talking complete b******s will be the order of the day at a public meeting called to discuss the threat of ‘legal high’ Miaow Miaow.

The gathering at The Old Dumb on April 22 will be completely ignored by all teenagers, who couldn’t give a toss about the growing crisis over mephedrone - the plant food turned scourge of the nation.

But organiser Dudley Dogooder said: “We’ve called this meeting as a matter of urgency to settle on a proper nickname for the drug.

“If we’re going to fight this threat to society we need to know what it’s called – whether it’s M, cat, M-cat, or Miaow Miaow. For God’s sake one local paper even referred to it as Meow Meow – if journalists can’t even spell it, what chance is there for the rest of us?”

He added for good measure: “This is also a great chance for those of us who know absolutely nothing about it to make ill-informed knee-jerk complaints about the way young people behave these days.

“I’d never heard of this carpet cleaning drug until a few days ago and I don’t know anything about it - but obviously it should be banned.”