Petersfield at a standstill - residents panic buy pavement space!

Petersfield is currently at a standstill as three separate queues create a major gridlock.

Motorists are queuing for fuel in Dragon St with the tailback going as far back as Liss. This follows the advice of the Government buffoon Francis Maude who yelled “Panic!” as he was seen carrying Jerry cans and boarding a chartered flight to the West Indies.

Elsewhere, in Chapel Street, lardarses keen to take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather which ensures luke-warm pasties are not liable for VAT, have tailed back from Greggs to the square, where an enterprising kebab-van owner has already started offering cut-price cold pies to the back of the queue.

And confusion reigned when the pasty queue collided with the Post Office queue, which, despite normally snaking around the corner now heads off down Sheep Street and The Spain, as people look to stock up on first-class stamps before those bastards from the Royal mail put the prices up again.

An innocent bystander, who was caught up in the panic, said: “I’m a traffic warden. I only came here to give out some tickets but now I’ve got two books of first-class stamps, a steak and stilton pasty (hot – and therefore liable for VAT) and a bucket full of diesel. And I’ve only got a push-bike!”