Petersfield at a standstill - residents panic buy pavement space!

Petersfield is currently at a standstill as three separate queues create a major gridlock.

Motorists are queuing for fuel in Dragon St with the tailback going as far back as Liss. This follows the advice of the Government buffoon Francis Maude who yelled “Panic!” as he was seen carrying Jerry cans and boarding a chartered flight to the West Indies.

Elsewhere, in Chapel Street, lardarses keen to take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather which ensures luke-warm pasties are not liable for VAT, have tailed back from Greggs to the square, where an enterprising kebab-van owner has already started offering cut-price cold pies to the back of the queue.

And confusion reigned when the pasty queue collided with the Post Office queue, which, despite normally snaking around the corner now heads off down Sheep Street and The Spain, as people look to stock up on first-class stamps before those bastards from the Royal mail put the prices up again.

An innocent bystander, who was caught up in the panic, said: “I’m a traffic warden. I only came here to give out some tickets but now I’ve got two books of first-class stamps, a steak and stilton pasty (hot – and therefore liable for VAT) and a bucket full of diesel. And I’ve only got a push-bike!”

Petersfield gym on a roll

A gym member celebrates the move to new premises  

A women’s gym in Petersfield has found a new home in the Festival Hall.

Muffin Tops, which used to be based in Lavant Street, left its old premises to set up in the hall earlier this week.

Gym owner and resident dietician Marsha Mellow said: “Lavant Street was at the top of the hill and most of our clients were too exhausted to work-out once they had walked up from Greggs the bakers.

“The new location is ideal as it is just a short stumble from the soon-to-be opened Netherregions pub.

“The main difference between Muffin Tops and other gyms is that we are a women-only environment. No men, no make-up, no mirrors, can’t be arsed - that is our motto.”

When asked, the middle-aged man peering into the gym through a steamed-up window refused to comment on the move.

Petersfield just "too northern" insists candidate

The Greggs pie factory in Chapel Street,

with Emergency Ambulance parked outside

East Hampshire’s Keep Our Country Southern (KOCS) party candidate, Helen Hywater, has slammed the appearance of Petersfield’s Chapel Street claiming it resembles a “northern Chav estate”.

Ms Hywater, who left the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) because she “couldn’t believe in a party which encouraged voters to drift off to sleep”, believes residents of Petersfield are horrified at the recent change in the town centre thoroughfare.

She said: “Nowhere in the country has the economic downturn had such a dramatic effect as in Petersfield’s Chapel Street.

“Where once there were nick-nack stores and independent traders we have two turf accountants, a Poppins and, now, the final straw, a Greggs pie factory. You might as well be in down-town Barnsley. It’s simply not acceptable.

“Even the little hair-stylists co-operative at the northern end of the street has been infiltrated by a couple of common barber’s shops. This is East Hampshire, not Yorkshire or Merseyside.

“The last bastion of southernism in Chapel Street is now the gent’s outfitter which stocks all those clothes nobody will ever need. That’s what the south – and specifically towns like Petersfield – are renowned for.”

She ranted: “If I get elected I will ensure that no further northern influence is allowed in our towns and villages. If we don’t call a halt to it now we’ll soon have mills, factories and call centres springing up all over the place.

“The young people of Petersfield are easily influenced and the influx of northern habits, such as eating meat-and-potato pies, gurning and forcing unborn children to work up the chimney, must be eradicated.

“A vote for KOCS will ensure the south stays southern.”

Well-known northern espionage agent and local tattooist Stan Dupp responded by saying: “If t’lass gets in t’hell will freeze over…” – just before a volcano erupted in Iceland.