Petersfield's explosive verdict on election

Tory candidate Mr Julian Hindsight attempts

to look working class at a football stadium

A YouWhat poll commissioned by Petersfield Newswire has discovered that 98% of voters are more concerned about the Icelandic volcano disrupting their holidays than who wins today's general election.

Out of a sample of 100, just Conservative candidate Julian 'Job for life' Hindsight and his wife Mrs Hindsight said the election was more important ... and Mrs Hindsight said she had already had three holidays this year.

More typical was the reply from Mr E Lecter who said: "I was torn between spoiling my ballot paper and voting for that Justice nutter candidate, but if that bloody Eyjafjallajokull starts spouting off again before my trip to Spain I might have to kill someone - especially if it means taking the kids to Devon again."

Other suggestions included a boycott of Iceland stores, a ritual burning of Bjork CDs in the Square, and a petition to get fish-loving football star Eidur Gudjohnsen transferred to Petersfield Town.

"That would serve the volcano-lovers right," said a passing voter.

Petersfield just "too northern" insists candidate

The Greggs pie factory in Chapel Street,

with Emergency Ambulance parked outside

East Hampshire’s Keep Our Country Southern (KOCS) party candidate, Helen Hywater, has slammed the appearance of Petersfield’s Chapel Street claiming it resembles a “northern Chav estate”.

Ms Hywater, who left the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) because she “couldn’t believe in a party which encouraged voters to drift off to sleep”, believes residents of Petersfield are horrified at the recent change in the town centre thoroughfare.

She said: “Nowhere in the country has the economic downturn had such a dramatic effect as in Petersfield’s Chapel Street.

“Where once there were nick-nack stores and independent traders we have two turf accountants, a Poppins and, now, the final straw, a Greggs pie factory. You might as well be in down-town Barnsley. It’s simply not acceptable.

“Even the little hair-stylists co-operative at the northern end of the street has been infiltrated by a couple of common barber’s shops. This is East Hampshire, not Yorkshire or Merseyside.

“The last bastion of southernism in Chapel Street is now the gent’s outfitter which stocks all those clothes nobody will ever need. That’s what the south – and specifically towns like Petersfield – are renowned for.”

She ranted: “If I get elected I will ensure that no further northern influence is allowed in our towns and villages. If we don’t call a halt to it now we’ll soon have mills, factories and call centres springing up all over the place.

“The young people of Petersfield are easily influenced and the influx of northern habits, such as eating meat-and-potato pies, gurning and forcing unborn children to work up the chimney, must be eradicated.

“A vote for KOCS will ensure the south stays southern.”

Well-known northern espionage agent and local tattooist Stan Dupp responded by saying: “If t’lass gets in t’hell will freeze over…” – just before a volcano erupted in Iceland.

Anger erupts over volcano disruption

Anna D'Venture is struggling to cope,

stuck as she is in the Maldives

Up to several Petersfield families are stuck abroad as a result of the Effyoffyukkipuffi volcano which is in the north somewhere and therefore an enemy to the south.

Speaking from the Maldives, local drama queen Anna D'Venture gave Petersfield Newswire a personal insight into her ordeal.

She said: "It's a total nightmare. We have no idea when we'll be able to leave this dreadful place we paid thousands of pounds to holiday in. We only booked a one-week break, taking sea-plane transfers to this all-inclusive idyllic island retreat and staying in a luxury water bungalow.

"Now we've been stuck here for over a fortnight and there's no end in sight. Pass the oysters darling."

Meanwhile distraught Petersfield children continue to endure an agonising wait in places like Jamaica, Goa, Kuala Lumpar, Kenya and DisneyWorld when they should be in local schools preparing to fail their exams.