Petersfield just "too northern" insists candidate

The Greggs pie factory in Chapel Street,

with Emergency Ambulance parked outside

East Hampshire’s Keep Our Country Southern (KOCS) party candidate, Helen Hywater, has slammed the appearance of Petersfield’s Chapel Street claiming it resembles a “northern Chav estate”.

Ms Hywater, who left the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) because she “couldn’t believe in a party which encouraged voters to drift off to sleep”, believes residents of Petersfield are horrified at the recent change in the town centre thoroughfare.

She said: “Nowhere in the country has the economic downturn had such a dramatic effect as in Petersfield’s Chapel Street.

“Where once there were nick-nack stores and independent traders we have two turf accountants, a Poppins and, now, the final straw, a Greggs pie factory. You might as well be in down-town Barnsley. It’s simply not acceptable.

“Even the little hair-stylists co-operative at the northern end of the street has been infiltrated by a couple of common barber’s shops. This is East Hampshire, not Yorkshire or Merseyside.

“The last bastion of southernism in Chapel Street is now the gent’s outfitter which stocks all those clothes nobody will ever need. That’s what the south – and specifically towns like Petersfield – are renowned for.”

She ranted: “If I get elected I will ensure that no further northern influence is allowed in our towns and villages. If we don’t call a halt to it now we’ll soon have mills, factories and call centres springing up all over the place.

“The young people of Petersfield are easily influenced and the influx of northern habits, such as eating meat-and-potato pies, gurning and forcing unborn children to work up the chimney, must be eradicated.

“A vote for KOCS will ensure the south stays southern.”

Well-known northern espionage agent and local tattooist Stan Dupp responded by saying: “If t’lass gets in t’hell will freeze over…” – just before a volcano erupted in Iceland.