‘Braveheart’ candidate launches election campaign

Braveheart candidate Jocky McJock insists

he is not a stereotype Scot

The Scottish National Party is to field a candidate in Petersfield for the first time in the coming general election – and says “only English arrogance” can stop a Braveheart victory.

Compulsory kilt-wearing, the addition of deep-fried Mars bars to every chip shop menu, and enforced supporting of “anyone but England” in the World Cup are high on the agenda for candidate Jocky McJock.

“Why should we be restricted to standing only in Scottish seats?” asked McJock. “It’s just typical of the English to try and keep us out; it’s been going on for centuries.

“We demand the right for Scottish voices to be heard - especially when whinging on about what a harsh deal we get from trailing along on England’s coat-tails.

“We may already get free care for the elderly, free university education and free prescriptions in Scotland, while the English pay through the nose to subsidise us, but you owe us for hundreds of years of treating us like unintelligible (caber) tossers.”

He then rambled on for hours during which the only discernible words were “Culloden”, “Bannockburn”, “English bastards”, “Mel Gibson” and “North Sea oil”.

McJock also claimed to be the “local” candidate as he has lived all his life in East Hampshire - although he pointed out his grandfather was half-Scottish, he has taken at least three caravan holidays in the Highlands, and always wears a Scotland shirt whenever watching their rugby or football matches on TV.

A passing voter commented: “Sounds like a complete Celt to me…”