More Miaow Miaow nonsense

A decision is needed on the way forward

Hand-wringing and talking complete b******s will be the order of the day at a public meeting called to discuss the threat of ‘legal high’ Miaow Miaow.

The gathering at The Old Dumb on April 22 will be completely ignored by all teenagers, who couldn’t give a toss about the growing crisis over mephedrone - the plant food turned scourge of the nation.

But organiser Dudley Dogooder said: “We’ve called this meeting as a matter of urgency to settle on a proper nickname for the drug.

“If we’re going to fight this threat to society we need to know what it’s called – whether it’s M, cat, M-cat, or Miaow Miaow. For God’s sake one local paper even referred to it as Meow Meow – if journalists can’t even spell it, what chance is there for the rest of us?”

He added for good measure: “This is also a great chance for those of us who know absolutely nothing about it to make ill-informed knee-jerk complaints about the way young people behave these days.

“I’d never heard of this carpet cleaning drug until a few days ago and I don’t know anything about it - but obviously it should be banned.”

Miaow Miaow - new threat

Petersfield gardeners fear they may have to cancel their annual spring show - as a UK-wide shortage of plant food supplement begins to bite.

"It's terrible!" exclaimed Reg Petal, chairman of the town's horticultural society. "We've never had such a bad year - my cucumbers are tiny, my daffs are limp and I don't think my tulips are ever going to come up.

"All our members are saying the same, and it's all because of a lack of mephedrone. There's just none around! I've tried all the usual websites and every single one is sold out - and I can't get near my local garden centre because it's surrounded by monged-out teenagers."

The great plant food shortage started last month as word was spread by headline-seeking local newspapers and councillor busybodies about the ecstasy-style effects of snorting plant food - and the fact that it was cheap, readily available and completely legal.

Some local rags even advertised its weight-loss side-effect, making it particularly attractive to young girls looking to lose their muffins as well as get off their tits for virtually nothing.

"It's simply irresponsible," added green-fingered Reg. "Until the papers started banging on about mephedrone - or compost as we gardeners call it - I could get as much as I wanted. It meant I could while away hours at my allotment completely mashed off my face. Now I'm gardening straight I've realised how ****ing dull it is."