Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Miaow Miaow - new threat

Petersfield gardeners fear they may have to cancel their annual spring show - as a UK-wide shortage of plant food supplement begins to bite.

"It's terrible!" exclaimed Reg Petal, chairman of the town's horticultural society. "We've never had such a bad year - my cucumbers are tiny, my daffs are limp and I don't think my tulips are ever going to come up.

"All our members are saying the same, and it's all because of a lack of mephedrone. There's just none around! I've tried all the usual websites and every single one is sold out - and I can't get near my local garden centre because it's surrounded by monged-out teenagers."

The great plant food shortage started last month as word was spread by headline-seeking local newspapers and councillor busybodies about the ecstasy-style effects of snorting plant food - and the fact that it was cheap, readily available and completely legal.

Some local rags even advertised its weight-loss side-effect, making it particularly attractive to young girls looking to lose their muffins as well as get off their tits for virtually nothing.

"It's simply irresponsible," added green-fingered Reg. "Until the papers started banging on about mephedrone - or compost as we gardeners call it - I could get as much as I wanted. It meant I could while away hours at my allotment completely mashed off my face. Now I'm gardening straight I've realised how ****ing dull it is."


  1. Urm, this is completely stupid, why would you have to cancel it, and I think this is totally stupid, I mean think. No teenager (I AM ONE!) is readily going to go to a garden centre to get a legal drug, besides you cant have looked very thoroughly because i;ve found some within 5 minutes. This post is OTT (Over The Top) and whoever posts these, you should really censor the bad language!

  2. You want to ease off that mephedrone stuff old chap - it's obviously not doing your teenage brain much good...

  3. Dear Anonymous 1,

    I congratulate you as a teenager for being able to spell 'censor' correctly.
    However, you appear to have missed the use of asterisks and to have mislaid your sense of humour.
    It is heartening that you take the subject so seriously but maybe, with that outlook, you may have stumbled across the wrong site.
    Keep smiling!

    Newswire Towers